In recent years, the rise of cyber bullying has drawn attention to the many diverse forms bullying can take. At the same time, however, parents and teachers remain under-informed about many aspects of this harmful behaviour pattern. Not only does this make it more difficult to understand the trauma many children and teens endure, it limits our ability to give them helpful advice. This post is a follow-up to my post on preventing bullying published last year.
Understanding Bullying: What It Is and How It Works
In order to prepare young people to deal with the possibility of bullying, we must first define what bullying is. Most experts today describe bullying as any unprovoked, intentional harmful behaviour (either verbal or physical) that is repeated on an ongoing basis. Furthermore, bullying is seen as an attempt to exploit an imbalance of power. While this sometimes takes the form of a larger child bullying a smaller one, the power imbalance may be far more subtle and complex than a difference in physical size. Some bullies take advantage of their victim’s gender, race, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, or position in the social hierarchy (at school or online), for example.
While the definition of bullying is fairly clear-cut, the reasons why bullies do what they do are still shrouded in myths and misconceptions. Moreover, many common anti-bullying strategies have been proven ineffective by current research. Before giving your child advice on how to deal with bullies, consult the list of “facts and fictions” below:
1. Bullies always suffer from low self esteem.
While it’s true that people who feel bad about themselves tend to occasionally lash out at others, bullies usually do not fall into this category. Surprisingly, modern research has shown that many bullies actually have above-average self esteem. What they really lack is empathy. However, this is not necessarily their fault; many bullies come from homes with aggressive parents who model poor conflict resolution tactics. These parents fail to teach their children how to empathize with others, so some bullies literally lack the insight needed to understand how much harm they’re causing.
Building on this research, many anti-bullying programs today attempt to teach empathy skills rather than trying to build the bully’s self esteem. These programs are showing a great deal of promise in reducing the severity of bullying.
2. If you just ignore a bully, he’ll go away.
Few myths about bullying are as harmful as the idea that bullies generally desist if you simply fail to pay attention to them. In reality, the opposite tends to be true: Ignoring a bully will often provoke him and actually escalate the behaviour. Why? What the bully really craves is a sense of control (not attention), and he’ll often go to great lengths to obtain it.
When a child is told to “just ignore” a bully, what usually ends up happening is that the victim in question suffers in silence. As such, you should encourage your child to seek out adult intervention persistently and often if he or she is being bullied. While doing so won’t stop the bully overnight, it’s proven to be a more useful long-term strategy than simply looking the other way.
3. Bullying is just a phase and therefore nothing to worry about.
While many children do in fact experiment with bullying, these experiments are usually occasional and brief. Chronic, sustained bullying, on other hand, usually represents something deeper and far more troubling: A marked lack of empathy for others. Without careful intervention, this lack of empathy tends to become a way of life for most bullies. Bullying in the workplace, bullying in care facilities, and abusive relationships often have their origins in childhood aggression that was never properly addressed. While bullying tends to change as people get older (it usually becomes more nuanced and manipulative), it seldom ever goes away on its own. Ergo, adults must take all cases of bullying seriously and seek treatment for the bully, either in the form of an anti-bullying program or one on one therapy with a mental health professional.
4. The only way to deal with a bully is to stand up to him.
This myth relies on the assumption that bullies are inherently timid—that they are cowards who will run away at the first hint of real conflict. Alas, this is seldom the case. Because bullies are usually taking advantage of an imbalance in power between themselves and their victims, they understand that they have the upper hand. As long as their victims are acting alone, they will persist in tormenting them, confident in the knowledge that they will win.
The only way to address the aforementioned imbalance in power is to instruct the victim to seek outside aid, preferably from an authority figure. Additionally, the victims of bullying often benefit from peer support groups. Interacting with other people who have been bullied can help them feel less isolated and vulnerable.
5. Reporting bullying will make the situation worse.
This myth is only true when authority figures fail to intervene decisively after learning of an incidence of bullying. If, on the other hand, parents and teachers work together to stop the bully’s harmful behaviour, both the victim and the bully often benefit. The victim is helped to overcome feelings of shame, fear, and isolation, while the bully is connected with the assistance he or she needs to develop greater empathy and compassion.
Most experts believe that bullying often goes unreported, which could explain why this destructive behaviour remains so prevalent in schools (and workplaces). To really have a positive impact on the incidence of bullying, we need to develop a rational and thorough response system wherein reporting generates solutions. Only timely empathy-based interventions can alter the hurtful patterns bullies exhibit.
