We all want to protect our children from disappointment and ensure they have the best possible opportunities in life, but lawnmower parents take these natural desires to extremes. Unlike helicopter parents, who closely monitor their children’s lives and offer sometimes excessive support, lawnmower parents proactively intervene in their children’s affairs. They may take drastic measures to achieve success for their kids; e.g., fighting with educators to raise their child’s grades or bribing colleges to secure admission, even if their child clearly hasn’t earned such privileges.
Though lawnmower parents can behave aggressively towards people they perceive as being unfair to their children, they often have good intentions: They want to prevent their children from experiencing self-doubt, discomfort, or failure. They also hope to secure a bright, prosperous future for their kids, because they believe their kids deserve the very best in life.
Unfortunately, while lawnmower parents see themselves as being loving and involved, their actions don’t facilitate optimal growth and development. Kids need to make age-appropriate choices, and experience the consequences of their own decisions, to learn problem-solving, organization, and impulse control skills. When we protect our children from life’s obstacles, we deprive them of the opportunity to build both their cognitive abilities and their confidence, which leads to reduced resilience, motivation, and competence in adulthood. The children of helicopter parents also struggle to ask for help from other adults, like teachers, relatives, and law enforcement, because they’ve been taught to rely on their parents for everything. This creates feelings of isolation, helplessness, and anxiety.
Lawnmower parenting is bad for parents, too: Because this parenting style is a full-time job, it leaves little time for parents to attend to their own needs. Between the demands of arranging schedules, seeking special accommodations, and completing work their children should be responsible for, lawnmower parents become exhausted, frustrated, and overwhelmed. Their adult relationships often suffer as a result of their preoccupation with parenting, and they may lose sight of their own interests and identity. Over the long-term, this high-stress lifestyle can lead to physical and mental health problems, like high blood pressure, insomnia, digestive issues, depression, and anxiety. Recognizing the signs of lawnmower parenting can help you protect your own well-being, and the well-being of your children.
5 Signs You’re a Lawnmower Parent (and What to Do About Them)
You choose your child’s friends.
Most parents want their children to steer clear of bad influences, but lawnmower parents place very rigid restrictions on who their children can socialize with. Their child’s friends are expected to conform to unnaturally high standards of behaviour, too; for example, they may be expected to always play fair and never argue, even if the lawnmower parent’s child does not behave similarly.
What you should do instead:
When you assess one of your child’s friends, look for larger patterns of behaviour rather than fixating on minor lapses in judgment. Does the friend usually treat your child well, and do they generally enjoy each other’s company? Do they share similar interests and motivate one another to engage in productive activities? If you answered “Yes” to these questions, you can probably rest assured the friendship is a healthy one.
You always intervene in your child’s disagreements.
Like adults, kids need space to resolve verbal disagreements on their own. If you get in the middle of even minor arguments and speak on your child’s behalf, you’ll deprive her of the chance to learn healthy conflict resolution skills.
What you should do instead:
Give your child helpful phrases she can use to smooth out verbal disputes before they escalate, and help her practice using them. Only intervene in her conflicts if she asks for help, or if you see any of the children involved become verbally or physically aggressive. (Bullying of any kind should never be tolerated.)
You treat your child like she (or he) is perfect.
As precious as our kids are to us, they’re still human, and they’re going to make mistakes. Lawnmower parents almost always refuse to acknowledge this: When their child is in the wrong, whether she’s failed a test, gotten into a fight, or even violated the law, lawnmower parents usually blame someone else for the issue. As a result, the children of lawnmower parents never learn how to take responsibility for their actions or apologize. They may also develop an unhealthy fear of failure, because they’ve never learned how to bounce back from it on their own.
What you should do instead:
Recognize your child’s errors as teaching opportunities. Don’t punish your child harshly for her mistakes, but do explain the consequences of her actions and suggest alternative behaviours. If your child needs to make amends to someone, help her develop a plan for doing so. Reiterate that it’s okay to fail; making mistakes is how we learn. This way, your child will know that failure isn’t the end of the world.
You micro-manage your child’s academic career.
Lawnmower parents go above and beyond to make sure their kids always get perfect grades. They may complete homework assignments and major projects for their children or correct their existing work. They’ll also put everything aside to deliver forgotten homework or books to their child’s school, even if their child makes little effort to remember such items on her own.
What you should do instead:
If your child is over the age of six, give her the tools she needs to stay organized, then encourage her to use them without your direct oversight. Suggest that she keep a daily journal detailing upcoming tests and assignments, along with any special supplies she needs to bring to school. Likewise, you should help your child create a realistic schedule for homework assignments and large projects, then step back and let her do the actual work on her own. If she’s really struggling to find a specific answer, help her find the right research material or walk her through the steps needed to solve the problem (don’t just give her the answer).
If you think your child is experiencing more advanced academic issues, ask your child’s educators for help. Your child may need extra tutoring or specialized testing to identify areas of difficulty.
You want your child to receive special treatment.
Some kids, like those with allergies and disabilities, genuinely need special accommodations. Lawnmower parents ask for extreme accommodations for their kids, however, even if their children are healthy and able. They may ask for their child to be exempt from rules, classes, or activities they don’t like, for example, or ask their child’s teacher to modify the classroom environment to suit their child’s preferences.
What you should do instead:
Recognize that your child is strong enough to cope with temporary discomfort. If your child is having a hard time adjusting to a new environment, rather than trying to alter the environment, offer her emotional support. You can also find small ways to make your child’s day better, like leaving a caring note in her lunchbox or being there to pick her up after school.
If you think your child has special needs, have her assessed by a doctor or qualified mental health professional before you develop a plan of action. A professional can tell you what accommodations your child needs, if any.
Parenting is a very complicated job, so you shouldn’t feel guilty if you realize you’ve been overprotective of your children. Remember that distant, neglectful parenting can be just as harmful as lawnmower parenting, if not more so. Model resilience for your child by forgiving yourself for your mistakes, then create a gradual plan for change. (If you’re not sure how to modify your approach to parenting, a family therapist can identify your triggers and help you modify entrenched behaviours.) By making a conscious effort to balance your parenting style, you can blend the caring, involved aspects of lawnmower parenting with more relaxed, realistic expectations - and ultimately become the best parent you can be.
