As any parent knows, kids are prone to worrisome behaviour. Whether it’s throwing explosive tantrums, telling fibs, ignoring the boundaries of others, or being sarcastic, children of all ages display odd and often unhelpful quirks. Many parents react to these behaviours with concern: What if they indicate the presence of a character flaw? What if they’re a sign of developmental problems?
Fortunately, these fears usually aren’t warranted. Kids who act in ways that adults (and even other children) find annoying seldom have malicious intentions. In fact, annoying behaviour is completely normal, and researchers now believe that it serves a valuable purpose. Many of these actions are a form of social “testing” that furthers cognitive development. They appear perplexing to adults because we already understand why these behaviours are unhelpful or unnecessary.
Lying, for example, is integral to a child’s emerging idea that other people are separate from himself. Infants don’t realize this; they think mom, dad, and their siblings are extensions of themselves. When a young child fibs, it means he’s starting to understand that others can have different beliefs. He can tell you that he’s getting dressed, for example, and you’ll believe that—even if he’s still playing with his toys. Because kids learn by doing, these behaviours are necessary to developing a personal “theory of mind.” (An awareness of the fact that people think differently than one’s self.) According to the research by Dr. Janet Wilde Astington from the Institute of Child Study at the University of Toronto, this "theory of mind" develops in early childhood and it is the foundation of social cognition. From age 1 to 5, children learn by trying new things, making mistakes, and correcting those mistakes in order to learn how other people work.
Far from being a bad thing, your child’s strange quirks could be setting him up for social success. Kids with better theory of mind skills have been shown to adapt to new situations more quickly and make friends more easily. They’re less likely to be targets for bullying and they can accept constructive criticism more readily. They’re also better communicators.
Of course, none of this means that correcting destructive behaviours isn’t important. On the contrary, your child is relying on your guidance to help him clarify what works and what doesn’t. It simply means that annoying actions aren’t necessarily a cause for alarm.
Theory of Mind and Development: Knowing What to Expect
Understanding the distinct stages of cognitive development can help parents put their child’s behaviour into proper context. Likewise, knowing when a behaviour isn’t normal for your child’s age group can help you identify developmental delays. Targeted interventions, like cognitive behavioural therapy, can correct areas of social deficit before they become a problem. A great deal of theory of mind is formed through lived experience, rather than being determined solely by biology. As such, even kids with developmental disorders (e.g., Autism) can strengthen their theory of mind skills with practice.
Stage #1: The Recognition of Different Desires
Research conducted at the University of California Berkley revealed that toddlers develop an awareness of others’ desires quite early in life. By about 18 months of age, they can recognize that people have different preferences than they do, as shown by the “Broccoli-Goldfish” study. In this study, toddlers were given a choice of two treats, a head of broccoli or a goldfish cracker. Most toddlers naturally preferred the cracker. After choosing a treat, the kids were introduced to an adult who expressed delight at the taste of broccoli while showing dislike for the cracker. When asked to choose a treat for the adult, most of the children offered the head of broccoli rather than the cracker.
Though kids in this age group show increased consideration, they’re also passionate about asserting their own desires. This is why the “terrible twos” are marked by willful, explosive outbursts when these kids don’t get their own way. They know they have their own distinct, powerful wants and needs, but they can’t yet understand why they’re being told “no.”
Stage #2: Understanding the Role of Belief
As children approach age five, they start to appreciate the role that knowledge and belief play in the decisions of others. They begin to understand that others don’t necessarily know everything they know, and vice versa. Once they grasp this concept, they go on to learn that beliefs can be false. This is the first step to letting go of the black and white, “all or nothing” thinking that characterizes early childhood. They also start to recognize the fact that people can lie.
Kids between the ages of three and five often go through a “fibbing phase” while they experiment with the capabilities and limitations of false beliefs. Most experts recommend being patient with this behaviour, while still showing your child that you know the truth. Most kids grow out of lying naturally when they realize there are other, more effective, ways to meet their needs. In the meantime, they learn important skills: Experimenting with false beliefs helps young children understand how people form and use beliefs. This knowledge permits them to communicate and negotiate more effectively later in life. It may even improve empathy skills, allowing kids to form stronger friendships.
Stage #3: The Development of Social Nuances
One of the areas where cognitive development is most evident is in a child’s sense of humour. Most of us have observed how small children enjoy basic, silly humour, whereas adolescents prefer to employ frequent sarcasm. While the latter can feel confrontational, it marks another important step forward: Your child is deepening his understanding of the nuances that shape social interaction. He’s experimenting with irony and moving farther away from the black and white thinking of childhood—So far, in fact, that he seldom gives a literal reply to your inquiries or requests.
Kids in this age group also experiment with language in new and creative ways. This, in combination with their non-literal thinking, is what leads teens to cultivate perplexing slang. Something they adore might be described as being “sick,” for example, even though the word sick doesn’t usually have positive connotations.
As a parent, you shouldn’t misread your child’s flippant remarks as defiance. On the contrary, teens use sarcasm as a bonding tool, so your child is just trying to include you in his social realm. Think about it: Teens habitually exclude other teens who don’t get their snarky sense of humour and strange slang. Knowing how to loosen up and reply in like kind will strengthen the connection you share with your adolescent. (Reacting with affront, on the other hand, will make your child feel alienated.)
Helping Your Child Understand Theory of Mind
Children, like parents, benefit from understanding the role that development plays in behaviour. After all, kids are often frustrated by (and ashamed of) their own unhelpful actions. Knowing why they act the way they do can help them progress more quickly, with less regret and anxiety.
While you can’t explain theory of mind to a toddler, you can encourage him to think about others’ points of view. You can ask him why he likes the things he likes and tell him why you like different things. You can also respond patiently to your school-aged child’s incessant questions about human behaviour. If he wants to know why people skydive or why some words are considered “bad,” explain to the best of your ability. If he keeps asking “why,” ask him to come up with his own theories on what drives puzzling actions and beliefs. Self-explanation encourages kids to examine their own motivations, as well as the motivations of others.
Finally, remember to place as much emphasis on social learning as academic learning. Social interaction is just as important as studying mathematics, grammar, etc. Not only will developing better social skills help your child thrive emotionally (and reduce his risk of depression), it will foster creative thinking. This in turn will help him approach all forms of problem-solving more effectively. Though there will be challenges and frustrations along the way, the cultivation of “EQ” is crucial to personal happiness and success.
