Being your child’s best friend may seem like a hallmark of successful parenting, but the reality of this dynamic is far from optimal. Children and adults have vastly different needs, capabilities, and preferences, so they can’t function as peers. By default, kids need the adults in their lives to provide a sense of security, which requires a certain level of authority. Children also need to understand that it’s okay to “step back” from their parents as they get older, and this is difficult to accomplish when kids feel bound to the commitment of friendship.
4 Risks of Befriending Your Child
At first, being your child’s friend may feel simpler than traditional parenting. After all, agreeing with your child’s demands and making compromises about rule-setting is an easy way to prevent heated disagreements, tantrums, and hurt feelings on both sides. Unfortunately, as kids get older and their lives become more complex, a lack of clear parent-child boundaries causes confusion that derails their relationships and negatively impacts their self-image. Being a friend to your child at the expense of being a parent can (and usually does) lead to the following problems:
1. Your child will feel pressured to act like an adult before he (or she) is ready.
When you treat your child like a friend, you send the message that he must function on an adult level. Kids in this position feel an intense sense of responsibility: They think it’s their job to keep the adults in their lives safe and happy, rather than vice versa. As a result, they feel insecure, like there’s no one who can protect them, which forces them to be autonomous before they’re fully able. They also have a hard time demonstrating respect for other adults, like teachers, which can contribute to difficulties at school.
Children who function as their parents’ friends aren’t allowed to progress through the normal, gradual stages of development that help them figure out their place in the world. When a child enters adolescence, this may lead to rebellion (because the child rejects the pressure of constant responsibility) and identity issues. The parent-friend dynamic also removes the opportunity for kids to just be kids - to play, learn, and explore at their own pace.
2. Being exposed to adult problems and concerns makes kids anxious.
Friendships are based on the mutual sharing of personal information. Parenting, by contrast, places the emphasis on providing care and guidance without expecting anything other than good behaviour in return.
Parents who prioritize being their child’s confidante over being an authority figure tend to “over share” their own worries and interpersonal issues; in some cases, they may even turn to their child for advice. No matter how mature and insightful your child seems, he should never be put in this position because he simply isn’t ready for it. A child’s brain is not equipped to process complicated adult problems, such as relationship issues or financial woes. Kids also know they don’t have the power to actually solve these big problems, so being placed in a confidante role creates feelings of helplessness and anxiety.
Above all else, effective parents are selfless listeners: They focus on what their child is feeling and why, even before they offer advice. They make sure their child knows his parents are always there to protect and look after him, without him having to perform to meet adult expectations.
If you think you’ve been sharing too much personal information with your child, sit down and discuss your mistake with him. (If you suddenly stop confiding in your child, he may feel rejected or think he’s done something wrong.) Apologize for involving him in your problems, and explain that he shouldn’t be burdened with adult responsibilities. Remind him that you’re there to take care of him, and he can always come to you if something is bothering him.
3. Treating your child like a friend can harm your spousal relationship.
Children need a calm, content home environment to thrive. Being friends with your child can slowly destabilize this environment, however, especially if your child is your primary confidante. Confiding in your child instead of your partner will diminish your connection with him or her, increasing distance and tension in the relationship. If you talk to your child about your marital problems, your child will become resentful of your partner, which makes it impossible for you both to effectively function as co-parents.
If you don’t feel like you can talk freely to your partner, you need to either work out your issues directly, or see a family therapist to improve the way you communicate. Whenever possible, keep your arguments out of earshot and don’t involve your child in disputes.
4. Being your child’s friend will inhibit your ability to set rules.
Imagine how you would feel if a friend ordered you to do your chores or go to bed on time - you’d either laugh or feel insulted, because our friends are supposed to be our equals. When you position yourself as your child’s friend, he experiences this same confusion when you try to enforce boundaries or consequences. He can’t understand why you’ve suddenly switched from acting like a peer to acting like an authority figure, and as a result, he’s unwilling to heed your direction. Instead, he’ll try to assert his own desires, which may be misread as intentional defiance. Kids in this situation have no idea where they stand, which makes it impossible for them to behave properly.
Remember that kids are very “black and white” thinkers, so they need clear rules, roles, and divisions. You can (and should) involve your child in discussions about household rules, but with the understanding that you’re the arbiter, not him.
Drawing the Line Between Friendship and Parenting
Not being your child’s friend doesn’t mean you have to be a cold or distant parent. On the contrary, by not placing adult expectations on your child, you’ll free up more time to relax, have fun together, and be attentive to your child’s needs and feelings. You and your child will both benefit from this clear division in roles, without sacrificing the strength of the bond you share.
