Couples Therapy and Marriage Counselling

What exactly is Couples Therapy?

Couples therapy is a type of joint psychotherapy that helps individuals involved in a romantic relationship improve the way they communicate, connect, and solve problems together. There are multiple forms of couples therapy, all of which can be effective when tailored to meet a couple’s specific needs. Although the interventions a therapist recommends may differ based on the patients’ situation, couples therapy usually involves the following core components:

• Isolation of the main issue the couple wishes to address. (For couples seeking therapy as a preventative measure, potential issues will be identified instead.)
• An examination of the obstacles preventing conflict resolution, healthy communication, trust, or connection.
• The provision of actionable strategies to create positive change.
• The creation of clear goals for treatment (and regular assessments to track the couple’s progress).

By taking these steps with the assistance of a trained therapist, couples can gain insight into their relationship, learn how to relate to one another more deeply, build trust, and break ingrained cycles of conflict or neglect. The skills gained through couples counselling can be used to address differences in parenting styles or personal values, resolve recurrent arguments, prepare for major life changes, or heal following an affair, among other purposes.

There are different techniques used in couples therapy and marriage counselling. The detailed review of these techniques is out of scope for this article, but you can read about these techniques here.

Who Is It For?

The benefits of couples therapy are not limited to traditional married couples or couples who have serious problems. Virtually any relationship can be improved via counselling, no matter what stage the relationship is in or what kind of background partners come from. In fact, therapy is often particularly helpful for couples whose relationship dynamics fall outside dominant cultural norms, as these individuals may be poorly supported in their community. Similarly, it’s a misconception that therapy is only suitable for deeply unhappy couples. Therapy is often at its most effective when it’s used to prevent issues from arising, plan for changes ahead of time, or simply to “check in” on the health of a relationship.

Our therapists understand that relationship goals may differ depending on a person’s age, race, sexual orientation, and cultural or religious background. As such, we carefully personalize our approach to reflect the needs of each couple; our priority is to help couples grow their relationships while honouring their identity. We can also assist couples in dealing with emotional issues and external pressures related to discrimination.

When to Seek Marriage Counselling

As therapy requires a substantial investment of time and resources, many people question its absolute necessity long after they have begun to admit to themselves that a real, long-term issue is indeed present in their household. Letting the situation lapse too long when a serious difficulty is ongoing can, however, do real damage to a marriage and family, so it's important to recognize when there is truly a need for therapy and make an effort to obtain it as soon as possible.

While there are no set “rules” for when a couple needs therapy, as every relationship is different, in general, you should strongly consider marriage counselling if any of the following factors are present:

• The couple is experiencing persistently negative communication.

All couples and families fight, and sometimes they experience rough patches due to stress or other factors. However, if communication has grown persistently negative over a period of months and shows little sign of improvement, it is time to seek out a therapist, as such negative cycles often cannot be halted without careful outside intervention. While negative communication often takes the form of arguments, there are other forms of it as well, such as passive aggression or persistent non-communication. Non-communication may occur when one partner withholds communication as punishment (the “silent treatment”), or when partners are scared to broach challenging topics. The main thing to assess is whether or not communicating with your partner leaves you feeling either depressed, insecure, disregarded, or overwhelmed.

• You and your partner are keeping secrets from each other.

Each individual in a relationship is entitled to personal boundaries. When couples fall into a pattern of keeping important information hidden from one another, however, there are usually deeper issues present in the relationship. If you feel like you need to conceal your spending or friendships, for example, therapy may be necessary to build trust between you and your partner.

Sometimes, even couples who share a strong connection struggle to discuss certain subjects. This may occur due to feelings of shame, such as when one partner is battling an addiction, or because a topic is especially triggering (e.g., a partner experienced early childhood trauma). In these cases, the therapist’s role is to create a secure, supportive environment where both partners can feel comfortable expressing themselves without being judged or misunderstood.

• If either partner in the marriage has had an affair, or if either is considering having an affair.

While many people view having an affair as a “deal breaker” which by default will end a marriage, this is not always the case, though recovering from such an event does take a great deal of hard work. A therapist can help the partner who had an affair to understand what drove him or her to do so, and help the partner who wishes to stay with him or her to assess these motives and decide whether or not the behaviour is forgivable. Even if the marriage is not salvageable, a therapist can help the couple to dissolve it with a minimum of hard feelings, which is especially important if children are involved.

• One partner is being blamed for all of the problems in the relationship.

Relationship problems are almost always multifaceted and not exclusively the result of one person’s behaviour. If you see your partner as an antagonist – or vice versa – you need professional assistance to cultivate a more balanced perspective. Through therapy, you and your spouse can learn how to function as a team.

• One partner wishes to “change” the other.

We all hope our loved ones will grow and better themselves over time. Still, it’s crucial to remember that one cannot “fix” a relationship or achieve personal fulfillment solely by changing one’s partner. When people adopt these attitudes, they typically need to reclaim control over their happiness by focusing on their individual needs and goals. Therapy can help you discover what you need and give you strategies to relate to your partner in a more relaxed, accepting manner.

• You and your partner no longer feel like you are “connecting”.

Caught up in the stress and practical demands of everyday life, couples can become akin to roommates or business partners; they get along well enough, and they get things accomplished, but they cease to take the time to really invest in one another physically and emotionally. A therapist can help such couples discover what they lost, how they lost it, and most importantly, how to get it back.

• You’re experiencing physical intimacy issues.

Patterns of intimacy often change gradually over time. Significant or sudden changes in sexual intimacy can, however, signal that something is off in a relationship. Note that increases in sexual intimacy can be as problematic as decreases in intimacy – Sometimes, partners use sex to compensate for perceived shortcomings or a lack of emotional intimacy in the relationship.

• Personality differences are dividing the marriage.

Being married to someone does not guarantee that personalities will naturally mesh; sometimes one individual is too logical while another is primarily emotional, one is naturally aggressive and proactive while another is timid, etc. These differences can cause people to clash repeatedly and may feel irreconcilable, but in reality they usually are not; each party simply needs to be taught how to see from the other's point of view, and how to speak the other person's “language”. A skilled clinician can identify where the primary breakdown in communication is occurring and find ways to emphasize the complementary strengths and abilities of each individual in the situation.

• If someone in the household is acting out negative feelings.

Whether it's a partner engaging in self-destructive behaviours because he or she feels hurt or ignored, or a teenager rebelling due to a long pattern of turbulence in the household, if anyone in the family is turning negative emotions into actions which might harm him or her (or someone else), it's absolutely time to seek outside aid. Remember that acting out can take many forms; some are obvious (gambling, one-night stands, dangerous driving when upset, etc.), but some are less so, such as one partner doing “little” things to make the other jealous. Any form of “lashing out” (using behaviour as a way to vent pent-up hurt and anger) should be considered a destructive behaviour that merits outside intervention. A therapist is usually required to “re-train” individuals away from harmful methods of coping and to give them new, healthier ways to express their emotions.

• When a “time out” seems to be the only solution.

While time outs are often healthy, giving couples and families a space in which to calm down and collect themselves, if these separations happen too often or for too long, without significant communication occurring between them, it's time to invite a mediator in to bridge the distance.

• If you and your partner are only staying together for the sake of the children.

Contrary to popular belief, staying together “for the children” is seldom healthy in the long run, and often does damage to both the couple and their children unless a therapist intervenes. Children are highly perceptive, and often pick up on their parents' unhappiness, eventually figuring out that they are the only reason their parents are currently together. This leads to feelings of guilt, as no child wants to see his parents suffer on his account. In the end, it's better to either resolve the issues and create a happy marriage, or separate as amicably as possible; in either case, a therapist will be able to guide the process in such a way that the children feel safe and loved by both parents.

• If a child in the home has a learning disability, ADHD, mental illness or other special needs.

Parents of children who are profoundly affected by a disability often forget their own needs, and thus they sacrifice too much and begin feeling resentful and guilty. Family and marriage therapy can give these parents a voice, a place to speak their minds where they will not be judged, along with providing workable strategies to create family harmony.