Watching a child grieve is one of the most painful experiences in any parent’s life. If your child has gone through a difficult loss, you may be concerned that he’ll never return to his normal self. Many parents worry that their child’s grief-related nightmares, social withdrawal, apathy, and emotional issues won’t completely subside with time, but this generally is not the case. Though the grieving process is unique to each individual, and some children take longer to recover than others, most kids can learn to manage their sadness when provided with the right support.
Understanding the Phases of Grief
Though grief is commonly thought to progress in five distinct stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), the reality of the grieving process is more complex than most people realize. Most children will experience one or more of the aforementioned phases after suffering a loss, but not necessarily in the same order, or at the same time as other children. Just like grief hits some adults harder than others, there’s also a lot of variation in how severely grief affects kids. Some children are surprisingly resilient, while others struggle with a broad range of negative emotions and behavioural issues for months or even years.
Grieving children do have some experiences in common, however: They all need to accept the reality of their loss, process the pain associated with it, reflect on who or what they have lost, redefine their identity and sense of purpose, and receive care and support from people they trust. Most grieving children will also cycle through challenging emotional states as they come to terms with their loss, including periods of confusion, anger, fear, depression, and numbness. To deal with these difficult feelings, kids may employ one or more of the responses to grief outlined below:
1. Regression.
Early childhood is often remembered as a time of safety, when a child’s emotional and physical needs were completely met by his or her parents. As such, it’s not unusual for grieving kids to regress and exhibit behaviours and coping mechanisms they displayed during a much earlier stage of life. A grieving school-aged child may suddenly start to wet the bed again, for example, or suck his thumb. An adolescent might need extra help managing age-appropriate responsibilities that he could previously handle independently.
Though regression can be worrying and frustrating (especially if it impacts your child’s performance at school), you should allow your child to temporarily return to a simpler frame of mind, within reason. Regression is his way of dealing with being extremely overwhelmed, and he’ll return to his normal level of functioning when he’s ready.
2. Separation anxiety.
Even if your child is normally very independent, suffering a serious loss may make him feel frightened to be alone. Your child may cling to you when you try to leave the house (or even leave the room) because he’s worried that you might not return. Like regression, separation anxiety is typically only temporary, and the best way to limit its duration is to provide your child with the companionship he requires to feel safe.
To balance your child’s need for reassurance with the demands of your schedule, let your child tag along with you whenever possible (e.g., when you’re running errands). You can also enlist the aid of other family members or close friends; when you can’t be present, ask someone your child trusts to keep him company in your place. Strengthening your child’s peer relationships by allowing him to have friends stay over more often may also be helpful. The larger your child’s support network is, the more secure he will feel.
3. Apathy.
From an adult perspective, some children appear to get over grief very quickly, but this is seldom actually the case. If your child is behaving normally despite suffering a serious loss, he’s probably experiencing a form of denial, because he isn’t ready to acknowledge the tragedy. He may also be mirroring the behaviour of the adults around him: If people are trying to protect him by not discussing the loss directly, he might emulate them by restraining his own thoughts and feelings. Finally, some kids manage intense feelings by stepping in and out of their grief: One day, they’ll seem irritable, sad, or withdrawn, only to resume playing normally with their friends the next day. This kind of “cycling” doesn’t mean the child’s grief is superficial; instead, it indicates that his grief is too powerful to process all at once.
To encourage your child to open up, try gently discussing your feelings about the loss that occurred, so he knows it’s acceptable to feel the way he does. If your child still appears very withdrawn, counselling may be necessary to help him work through his emotions.
4. Phantom ailments.
Kids who don’t feel comfortable talking about their grief (and those who don’t yet have the verbal capacity to express complex feelings) often manifest their emotions physically. Complaining of headaches or stomach aches, or having trouble eating and sleeping normally, is therefore a normal response to loss for many young children. If your child has frequent physical complaints, talk to his doctor to rule out actual health issues, and consider letting him periodically stay home to rest if he needs to.
5. Guilt.
Like adults, children who have lost a loved one often experience a stage of deep guilt. In fact, young children may be more prone to guilt than older children or adults, because they naturally have a very self-centered worldview. (They think everything revolves around them, ergo external events must happen because of something they’ve done.) A small child might think that grandma is no longer around because he misbehaved while visiting her a week ago, for example.
Guilt can be very persistent in some children, so it’s vital to emphasize the fact that your child is in no way responsible for what happened. Counselling may also be necessary to help your child fully work through his sense of guilt.
6. Curiosity about death.
In order to understand the loss they’ve experienced, children sometimes develop a fascination with death. Kids under six will typically ask numerous questions about death and study dead insects or small animals they find, while older children may be drawn to dark subject matter in the media they consume.
Don’t attempt to discourage your child’s natural interest in death, even if the subject is uncomfortable. Answer his questions to the best of your ability, and remember that being curious about mortality is a normal developmental stage for all kids, not just those who have experienced grief.
7. Destructive or risk-taking behaviour.
Children who process their grief healthily may experience temporary episodes of aggression, but they naturally subside over time. In children who don’t fully resolve the pain of loss, however, grief can lead to destructive or risk-taking behaviour, even many years after the initial loss. An adolescent who never developed the right coping mechanisms may eventually turn to substance abuse, reckless driving, or violent or criminal behaviour in an attempt to discharge his turbulent feelings. In younger children, destructive behaviours may take the form of acting out (e.g., frequent hitting) or self-harm, like picking at wounds, pulling at hair, or showing a disregard for personal safety.
Risk-taking behaviour can become very dangerous, so it’s essential to seek professional help immediately if your child hurts himself or someone else.
Primary Vs. Secondary Grief
The grief that follows a death or tragedy (like a natural disaster, fire, or the breakdown of a marriage) is expected and usually easy to recognize. There are, however, more subtle and indirect types of grief that kids may experience, including disenfranchised and secondary grief. Though these forms of grief aren’t as immediate as primary grief, they are no less impactful over the long-term.
Disenfranchised Grief
Disenfranchised grief occurs after a significant life change, like changing schools, having a friend move away, or relocating. Children navigating these situations often feel helpless, and they may deeply mourn the loss of their familiar lifestyle or identity. Don’t dismiss your child’s feelings if he’s struggling to come to terms with a change that, from an adult perspective, appears manageable. Do your best to help him build healthy coping skills, just like you would after a major loss.
Secondary Grief
Secondary grief accompanies primary grief, and is related to the central loss a child has experienced. A child who has been through a divorce, for example, might feel secondary grief related to having to move away from his old friends to relocate with his custodial parent. Secondary grief can also occur when children share the grief a caregiver is going through. If a child’s parents are experiencing grief over a loss or life change, he will naturally be affected by their emotions. Working through these difficult situations as a family is necessary to fully explore and resolve the many complex facets of loss.
Seeking Help for Grief
Grieving is a particularly delicate process for children because their brains are still actively developing. Without adequate care and long-term support, grief can leave a lasting impression on your child’s psyche. In some cases, the damage done by grief can still be felt during adulthood in the form of depression, anxiety, and related behavioural issues.
With that being said, experiencing loss during childhood doesn’t have to result in enduring psychological problems. When managed healthily, grief can be turned into a source of strength; processing grief can help kids develop better resiliency and a more profound appreciation for life.
Ideally, you should consult a mental health professional as soon as your family experiences a significant loss or life change. Even if your child is capable of healing with family support, professional care limits the risks associated with grieving and may expedite the healing process. However, professional care is only considered absolutely necessary when a child is still experiencing significant impairment six months after suffering a loss, or when he’s becoming a risk to himself or someone else. These more severe manifestations of grief cannot typically be managed through parenting strategies alone, though your support will still be central to your child’s recovery.
Grief can feel overwhelming, but having a strong, connected family and extended support network will greatly lessen its impact. With the right care, your child will be able to accept the loss he’s suffered as part of his life, but he won’t allow it to define him.
