For the parents of pre-teens, it can feel as though everything has changed overnight: Their child, once open and trusting, suddenly wants his (or her) own space much of the time. He may also become moody, rebellious, and defiant. He will almost certainly desire an unprecedented amount of freedom.
If you find yourself in the aforementioned situation, take heart: As disconcerting as these changes may seem, they are usually temporary (and perfectly normal). Though it won’t always be evident by his demeanour, your child needs you as much as ever. What’s more, you can maintain and ultimately strengthen your relationship with your child by implementing the seven parenting strategies below:
1. Don’t take your preteen’s behaviour personally.
Though it’s natural to feel a bit rejected when your child suddenly seems to want little to do with you, it’s important not to take this behaviour to heart. (If you do, you will overreact and inevitably damage your relationship with your tween). Your child isn’t doing it on purpose; his brain is prompting him to seek independence as part of his natural course of development. His attention is being directed toward his peers rather than his parents so that he can begin to learn the skills he needs to form healthy adult relationships. Let him have his privacy during this difficult time and don’t try to force him to be open with you. Being too pushy with your child will only alienate him further and set stage for conflicts during teen years.
2. Set aside some parent-child bonding time once or twice a week.
While you can’t “make” your tween confide in you, you can make sure you’re available should he choose to do so. One of the best ways to do this is to set aside some dedicated bonding time once or twice a week, time in which you give your preteen your undivided attention. Not only will this help to keep you and your tween close, you’ll be teaching him interpersonal skills he’ll be able to apply with his peers. You’ll therefore be strengthening his extended network and reducing the number of conflicts he’ll have to endure (remember, peer strife also typically intensifies during the ages of 9-12).
4. Shift away from asking blunt questions and try compassionate curiosity instead.
Young children think in relatively “black and white” terms, so it’s acceptable (and more effective) to ask them blunt, direct questions about how they’re doing. (E.g., “Did you get into a fight today?”, “How did you do on the exam today?”, etc.) As your child hits his tweens, however, these questions—once a normal part of everyday life—will probably begin to feel intrusive and even judgmental. It’s important to be aware that preteens are usually already feeling overwhelmed by all of the changes occurring in their bodies and lives. It’s easy to overload them without meaning to.
The best approach to take with your preteen is to let him know that you’re there if he wants to talk, then wait for him to open up. When he does, use gentle, compassionate curiosity to encourage him to communicate further. (For example, if your child says he got into an argument with someone at school, ask him, “How did that make you feel?”) Likewise, you should encourage your tween to express his independence by asking him to think of solutions when he has a problem. (To return to the previous example, you might ask, “What do you think would help you and your classmate reach a resolution?”) Whatever you do, don’t jump into giving heavy-handed advice; your preteen will feel dismissed and possibly even judged if you do.
5. Avoid being judgmental.
As alluded to in point four, tweens are going through a very sensitive time in their lives; they are therefore likely to intuit even mild criticisms as harsh judgments. This extends to how they view your remarks about other children as well. For instance, if you’re quick to judge how one of your preteen’s friends dresses or behaves, he’ll probably worry that you’re going to be overly critical of how he dresses and behaves, too. Your preteen will be more likely to approach you if he feels like you’re not quick to judge in general, so keep such comments to a minimum. (This does not, of course, mean that you should throw out rules and boundaries—your preteen still absolutely needs them. Just make sure to administer discipline in a calm, consistent, non-judgmental way.)
You should also be open to watching what your tween watches (and enjoying it with him), listening to music he likes, etc. Try to make yourself a part of your preteen’s world so that he feels accepted and valued for who he is.
6. Don’t avoid difficult conversations.
While the average age at which teens have their first sexual experience is older than many parents assume (only about 20% of teens have had sex by 15 years of age, according to a multinational survey conducted by Dr. Jokin de Irala), many tweens are experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes as young as 9 or 10. Indeed, the John Hopkins centre reports that the average age at which 12-17 years olds begin drinking is 13. It is therefore absolutely vital that you talk to your preteen about alcohol and drugs.
While it may be years before your preteen engages in sexual activity, you should also have “the talk” as your child approaches puberty—both because a small percentage of preteens do become sexually active and because sexuality is related to body image issues. Eating disorders, for example, usually manifest during the preteen years as teen girls (and some boys) struggle to come to terms with their body’s sexual development. Talking about sexuality will give your tween a chance to tackle these issues more effectively. Books, such as The Boy’s Body Book (by Kelli Dunham) and The Care and Keeping of You (by Valarie Schaefer; intended for girls), can help you start a conversation about sexuality, while the book Ten Talks Parents Must Have With Their Children About Drugs and Choices (by Dominic Cappello) can help you introduce the subject of drugs. Tweens find reading less intimidating than lengthy face to face conversations, and the topics covered in these books can serve as an excellent icebreaker.
7. Balance out gender-related extremes.
Between the ages of 9-12, girls often give up athletic pursuits and boys begin to repress their feelings in a bid to seem “tough”. These changes, which are based on unhelpful stereotypes our children have internalized, don’t do either sex any good. Research shows that girls who keep playing sports have a higher self-esteem and get better grades than girls who do not. Meanwhile, boys who are encouraged to express vulnerability at this age have been shown to develop healthier relationships during their teen years.
Parenting a pre-teen is all about nurturing trust while retaining firm, secure boundaries. (Remember, as independent as your tween wants to think he is, he still needs limits to feel safe). Though this balance is not always easy to achieve, it will pay off greatly over the years to come. Effective parenting during the preteen years lays the foundation for a strong, healthy adult relationship with your child.
