Learning how to forgive and be forgiven is one of the most important lessons of childhood. As parents, we want our kids to empathize with others, demonstrate compassion, and take responsibility for their actions.
From an early age, we tell our children to apologize after they’ve caused harm, believing that apologizing will encourage the aforementioned traits. Unfortunately, research shows that isn’t always the case: Apologies function as a first step to overcoming conflict, but their usefulness is often limited without additional measures. Verbal apologies don’t necessarily encourage good behaviour on their own, and young children may not understand the full weight that apologies are supposed to carry. For an apology to be effective, it has to be sincere and voluntary, not forced. Likewise, even genuine apologies may not be enough to make amends, depending on the nature of the situation.
Why Children Struggle with Apologies
If your child resents having to say he’s sorry, it doesn’t mean he intended to behave badly, and it doesn’t indicate a lack of caring. On the contrary, most kids feel very self-conscious when they make a mistake. As a result, they usually don’t want to admit they did anything wrong, and they certainly don’t want to face the threat of punishment. The act of apologizing can also feel extremely embarrassing for them, especially if other children are present.
Some children become so overwhelmed by the idea of losing face in front of their peers that they refuse to apologize, or they blurt out a very brief, insincere-sounding apology. If their apology isn’t received well, they may try to laugh the situation off, become indignant, or run away. Not only do these actions magnify the hurt feelings of everyone involved, enduring an unsuccessful apology attempt makes the offending child even more nervous about apologizing in the future.
4 Ways to Help Your Child Make Amends
Instead of simply asking your child to “say sorry,” it’s better to guide him through the entire process of making amends after he’s committed a serious infraction. Remain calm, take a deep breath, and walk your child through the steps below:
1. Sympathize with your child’s reasons for acting out.
When kids make a mistake, their foremost concern is losing their parents’ approval. If you begin by sympathizing with the feelings that caused your child to behave poorly, he’ll understand that you don’t think he’s a bad person. Before you ask your child to make amends, say something like, “I saw your sister take your teddy bear; that must have been really upsetting, because she didn’t ask permission.”
2. Define the problem.
Once your child knows you understand his position, gently explain the behaviour he needs to change, e.g., “Even if what your sister did is wrong, you can’t hit her.”
3. Suggest a solution.
Provide your child with a tangible, practical way to make amends. Many children find performing a small conciliatory action less intimidating than issuing a lengthy verbal apology. You might ask your child to offer his sister a hug or a cookie, for instance, or ask him if there’s another stuffed toy he wouldn’t mind sharing with her.
4. Revisit the problem later.
When you have a quiet moment alone with your child, talk to him about ways he could avoid getting into the same altercation in the future. For example, you could help him practice saying “no” firmly (instead of hitting or shoving when his sibling takes something that doesn’t belong to her). You could also suggest calling for you if saying “no” doesn’t work, or you could help your child place important items out of reach so they won’t be taken in the first place. Let your child think over all of the potential solutions you suggest and contribute his own ideas, so he feels like part of the problem-solving process.
Utilizing these four steps helps kids slow down, think conflicts through, and emerge from their mistakes feeling empowered. When kids realize they can fix their mistakes and start over, they begin to see apologizing as an opportunity, not a punishment. In time, many children with this attitude start apologizing voluntarily, without being asked. This outcome is ideal for everyone involved: Your child will feel more confident and capable as a result of solving his own problems, and research shows that unprompted apologies are the most meaningful to other children. According to studies conducted by the University of Virginia, by age six, most children report being very willing to forgive and move on when they receive a spontaneous apology followed by an effort to make amends. Kids in this age group are fully aware that forced apologies are less substantial than voluntary ones. However, these studies also showed that a prompted apology (or a spontaneous apology that isn’t followed by reparative action) is still better than no apology at all.
When children receive any type of apology, they find it easier to empathize with the child who hurt them and see that child in a more positive light. (This, in turn, helps the offending child forgive himself and believe in his capacity to do better.) As such, gently prompting your child to say sorry is still a worthwhile strategy to facilitate reconciliation and help your child nurture stable relationships. To encourage sincerity, don’t order your child to say sorry immediately; start by asking him how he thinks his actions made the other child feel. Getting your child to empathize with the person he hurt is fundamentally necessary if he’s going to form a genuine, meaningful apology. In many cases, kids will apologize without being asked directly once they realize how their actions have impacted a friend or sibling.
Teaching your child to apologize gracefully can also encourage good behaviour by helping him feel less awkward when asked to say sorry. To prepare your child to make amends when prompted, explain that successful apologies should contain three key elements: Remorse, an admittance of wrongdoing, and an offer to make it up to the offended party. Explain that your child’s offer to make amends may not always be accepted right away (because people often need some time to get past their hurt feelings), but apologizing always helps the other person feel better, even if that isn’t immediately apparent. Rehearse effective apologies with your child until he feels comfortable expressing all three sentiments.
Finally, when your child needs to say sorry, remember not to rush him. If you perceive the need to make a public apology (e.g., your child has hurt another child on the playground), say, “We’re so sorry” to the offended parent and child, then take your child aside and discuss the situation with him. When he’s ready, he can give the hurt child a more personal apology and offer to make amends.
As you teach your child the art of forgiveness, focus on the kind of person you want him to become: Ultimately, you want your child to grow up to be someone who thinks about how he affects others, not just how he can secure a pardon for himself or evade consequences. You want to raise a person who not only says he’s sorry, but who really thinks about how he can mend any damage he causes to other people or their property. By emphasizing these values, you can teach your child to apologize for the right reasons and give him the tools he needs to maintain robust, respectful relationships.
