Most parents know that imaginary friends aren’t usually a cause for concern. These figments of a child’s imagination are a normal part of development, generally occurring between the ages of 2-6. Your child’s imaginary friend may remain a part of his life for just a few months or several years, but he (or she) will fade away by the time your child is a preteen.
Until recently, little was known about why some kids create fictional playmates. Over the last few years, however, research has revealed that this form of pretend play serves an important and ultimately beneficial function. Kids who have imaginary friends typically have better communication skills, increased creativity, and even a higher self-esteem than kids who lack imaginary playmates.
This is not to suggest that parents should actively encourage the formation of make-believe friends—On the contrary, studies show that any kind of parental intervention (positive or negative) tends to dispel their child’s companion. It’s therefore better to let the creative process unfold naturally: Parents should avoid asking too many questions about their child’s imaginary friend; they shouldn’t attempt to interact directly with him or her, either. Accept and validate what your child says about his companion, and if you mention his imaginary friend, keep it brief and positive. For example, there’s no harm in saying something like, “Why don’t you ask Freddy the Frog to help you clean up your room?” when your child is overwhelmed by the prospect of tidying up his things.
Understanding the Role of the Imaginary Friend
Children use imaginary friends to help them practice social skills, express uncomfortable emotions, and cope with situations they find challenging. It’s important to realize that having an imaginary friend doesn’t signify shyness or social anxiety; in fact, research suggests that the opposite is true. Kids with imaginary friends tend to make more friends at school, thanks to their good communication skills and well-developed, entertaining imaginations. If your child has an imaginary friend, you may observe his friend filling the following beneficial roles:
1. Helping your child take control.
Kids are often frustrated by their lack of independence. Sometimes, creating an imaginary friend can help them deal with their limited authority by giving them someone they control completely. Your child’s imaginary friend will always look and behave exactly the way your child wants him to. An imaginary friend also gives your child something he can “own” entirely; he doesn’t have to ask anyone’s permission to have an imaginary friend and he doesn’t have to share the friend with anyone else.
2. Providing an opportunity to build confidence.
Children will often make themselves taller, stronger, smarter, or prettier than their imaginary friend. They may also challenge their imaginary companion to a friendly competition (like a race) and always allow themselves to win. These behaviours give your child a harmless way to build himself up, which can be very useful after he’s suffered a defeat or setback.
3. Giving your child a sparring partner.
Parents often worry when their child’s imaginary friend takes on the role of imaginary enemy, but this role reversal often serves a valuable purpose. Kids use imaginary enemies to help them vent their anger or fortify their courage. Research shows that children who use this technique are better at controlling their anger and resolving real-life disputes. They’re also more adept at seeing situations from multiple points of view.
4. Acting as a protector.
Imagining that a strong companion is present (such as a superhero or large animal) can help kids deal with scary situations. A child who is scared of the dark, having nightmares, or being teased at school can find a lot of comfort in the presence of an imaginary companion.
5. Providing entertainment.
Children who have imaginary friends are much less likely to complain of being bored. Interacting with an imaginary friend teaches your child how to manage his free time in a way that is creative and enriching. Having the ability to productively manage free time has been linked to a lower risk of behavioural issues later in life.
6. Giving your child a voice.
Kids inherently want to please their parents and avoid punishment. This can make it hard for them to directly express uncomfortable or critical feelings. Kids therefore sometimes use their imaginary friend as a sort of proxy: Rather than stating something themselves, they’ll have their imaginary friend say it. For example, “Freddy doesn’t like it when you get angry, mom.” Your child may also use his imaginary friend to ask for things; e.g., asking for second helpings at that dinner table by saying, “Freddy needs some ice cream, too.”
7. Providing a way to cope with loss.
Imaginary friends are an excellent tool for coping with many forms of loss. Kids often turn to imaginary companions after the arrival of a new sibling, for example, to help them cope with the loss of undivided parental attention. If they’ve lost a pet, friend, or family member, they may reinvent that individual as an imaginary friend and interact with them until they’ve come to terms with their loss.
8. Giving your child a chance to practice.
Imaginary friends give kids an opportunity to “rehearse” important conversations. If your child wants to approach someone at school and make friends, for instance, he might practice introducing himself to a new imaginary friend.
9. Providing a way to divert guilt or shame.
Children can be very hard on themselves when they make mistakes. Having an imaginary friend to blame for accidents—like spilling a glass of juice or breaking a lamp—gives kids a way to lessen feelings of shame. Though your child shouldn’t be allowed to use his imaginary friend to avoid consequences for deliberate rule-breaking, you can let your child use his friend as a scapegoat for innocent mistakes. Doing so can soften the blow to his self-esteem and make him more resilient.
As you watch your child interact with his imaginary friend, you’ll get to see his developing intelligence, creativity, and empathy in action. Far from being a cause for concern, this natural part of maturation is often a wonderful opportunity to get to know your child better.
