5 Effective Strategies for Parenting During a Pandemic

Social distancing has increased parenting responsibilities and limited parents’ self-care resources, creating more stress and anxiety in many households. To cope with the sudden changes in routine brought on by the COVID-19 pandemic, parents must adopt new parenting strategies designed to balance their needs with the needs of their children. Parents must also learn how to step into new roles, as they’re now serving as educators in addition to being caregivers - often while simultaneously working from home. If not managed adeptly, these conflicting commitments can create a “perfect storm” of tension and frustration, even for the most tolerant parents.

Though occasionally losing your cool is entirely understandable in light of the current situation, becoming habitually impatient, withdrawn, or punitive will reduce your effectiveness as a parent. Because research has directly linked ineffective parenting to poor behavioural outcomes in children, it’s imperative that you find ways to maintain calm, consistent discipline in the face of adversity.

Below, you’ll find five actionable strategies for parenting well during a pandemic. With time and practice, these tools will help you maintain a healthy, happy environment for both yourself and your kids:

Leverage the power of child-centered play.  

The loss of a familiar routine can make kids feel frightened, unsure, and out of control. By engaging in child-centered play (a style of play where your child is allowed to take the lead), you can make your child feel more powerful, confident, and relaxed. As a result, he’ll feel less need to act out in order to assert his autonomy. Regular child-centered play will also give your child a break from anxiety caused by the pandemic and strengthen the connection you both share.

For child-centered play to work optimally, it should be conducted one-on-one (one parent spending time with one child at a time, if possible), without any distractions in the background. Put your phone on “silent” and turn off the radio and TV so that you can give your child your full attention.

During child-led play, you shouldn’t give directions or suggestions unless your child asks for your input. Remember to avoid framing suggestions as questions, too (e.g., don’t say things like “Why don’t we make these blocks into a tower?”) Instead, give your child the tools he needs for creative, open-ended play, such as play dough, colouring materials, building blocks, or dolls, and enjoy one another’s company while he develops his creations independently. Every now and then, pause to make note of what your child is doing or give him a compliment (e.g., “That’s an amazing space ship you built!”)

Child-centered play doesn’t necessarily require a lot of time in order to be beneficial; just five to fifteen minutes per day is usually enough to support and reassure younger children. For parents, this window of quiet, media-free recreational time is also a great way to unwind at the end of the day, especially during these difficult times.

Use praise to reinforce positive behaviours.

Praise is both one of the gentlest and one of the most powerful means of guidance parents have at their disposal. When you praise your child, you reinforce helpful behaviours by connecting them with favourable outcomes, which naturally encourages a child to repeat those behaviours.

For praise to be effective, it needs to be specific and meaningful rather than general. Let your child know exactly what he did well when you praise him (e.g., “Thank you so much for playing quietly while I was on the phone; that really helped me.”) Talking about specific behaviours lets your child know which actions he should repeat, and which he should avoid. As you praise your child, make eye contact, smile, and speak in a warm tone of voice; conveying emotion will make your message more impactful and memorable.

Praise should also be consistent: Proactively look for moments when your child does the right thing without being asked. “Catching” your child in the midst of good behaviour and letting him know you appreciate his actions is a better, more affirming strategy than looking only for negative behaviour.

Implement a reward system.

A carefully-managed reward system will give your child a way to earn coveted privileges, further reinforcing the association between good behaviour and positive outcomes. Productive reward systems function like an economy, wherein small tokens (e.g., stickers or plastic coins) are given after the completion of specific helpful behaviours. At the end of the week, your child can exchange these tokens for privileges, such as an extra hour of screen time.

Before you implement a reward system, sit down and have a family meeting to discuss the details of it. Create a list of desired behaviours, agree on a fair number of tokens to be given for each behaviour, and get your child’s input on what kind of rewards he prefers. When you’re done, place the list somewhere visible (e.g., on the fridge). To help your child stay on track, consider using a calendar format for his task list. Allot various tasks to different times and days, as appropriate, so your child knows exactly when he’s expected to complete various chores.

Note that your reward system should never involve “bribing” your child by impulsively promising him a significant material reward if he does what you ask, as this tactic can encourage manipulative behaviour in kids. Your child should gradually earn agreed-upon privileges through consistent good behaviour.

Don’t be afraid to use consequences when required.

In an ideal world, positive reinforcement would be enough to encourage kids to consistently act in a respectful, helpful manner. Unfortunately, while positive reinforcement does play a significant role in effective parenting, we must sometimes also use consequences to deter negative behaviours. Consequences associate destructive actions with unwanted outcomes, such as the loss of privileges, thereby making them look less appealing to kids.

Consequences also provide a sense of safety for anxious children by establishing very clear behavioural boundaries and maintaining a normal parent-child power dynamic. Parents who administer discipline calmly and confidently send the message that they’re fully in control of the situation. During times of stress, kids have an even stronger need to hear that message because it reaffirms their parents’ ability to keep them safe.

For consequences to work as intended, they must be both fair and consistent. Agree on reasonable consequences for specific behaviours ahead of time, then stick to that agreement. Don’t escalate consequences out of anger or frustration or let your kids off the hook when discipline is merited. (Giving your child a warning or second chance following a first infraction is fine, but completely letting the behaviour slide is not.) While it may seem compassionate to be lenient with your children owing to the current crisis, doing so will only serve to undermine your authority and make your kids question where you stand. Maintaining the same standards of discipline your children are used to, on the other hand, will reassure them that everything is still relatively “normal” in your household.

After you’ve disciplined your child, make sure he has the tools he needs to learn from his mistakes. Once you’ve both calmed down, discuss what he did wrong, why his behaviour wasn’t acceptable, and what he could do differently in the future. You should also empathize with the emotions that led him to act out, even if you don’t agree with how he handled them. Empathizing with your child will help him let go of shame and focus on learning new skills.

Find ways to take care of yourself.

Prior to the pandemic, many parents used social activities (e.g., evenings out with friends or yoga classes) to get a break from the home environment and manage the demands of child-rearing. With many such activities canceled for now, you’ll need to look for viable, safe alternatives to your usual self-care strategies. Failing to protect and prioritize your own well-being will inevitably erode your effectiveness as a parent.

If you have a partner, consider dividing up your parenting responsibilities so that each of you gets a block of “alone time” every day. To get some distance from the home environment, look for safe ways to spend time outside in nature; gardening, solitary walks, and other outdoor activities are a great way to relieve mental fatigue.

As you navigate the challenging realm of pandemic parenting, remember that the main thing is simply to try your best. Don’t compare your current parenting to that of your pre-pandemic self, and don’t expect yourself to execute the strategies above flawlessly. Creating unrealistic expectations for yourself will only increase the amount of stress you feel. Instead, patiently work at adapting to the “new normal” while trusting in your resilience, and the resilience of your children. In time, your family will emerge from this crisis as a stronger, closer unit.