How To Develop Your Child’s Self-Confidence

Dr. Tali Shenfield | February 3, 2017

The tendency of children to doubt themselves can appear baffling and extreme to adults. A straight-A student might decide that she “can't” do math after getting her first B or C grade, a well-liked child may decide she is unpopular because of a single negative remark made by a peer, or a budding artist will sometimes run down her drawing skills simply because they are not yet at adult level. While it's tempting to dismiss these fears as being out of proportion with the situation, it's vital that parents listen attentively when their child expresses self-doubt; while these instances may seem minor from an adult point of view, if left unaddressed, they can easily lead to the formation of lasting negative thought patterns.

 

Understanding Why Children Internalize Doubt

 

Children, especially young children, have a tendency to think in a very globalized, “black and white” way. Their inexperience often renders them unable to see the bigger picture, and as such, they see small successes and failures as sweeping indicators of whether or not they can do something. This is why a single remark praising a child's singing ability may convince her that she will one day become a famous pop star and a few stumbles while trying to jump rope will have her believing that she “can't” jump rope so ought not even try.

If children take on too many limiting beliefs as a result of making mistakes, they risk developing a low self-esteem; a past history of what they perceive as failure makes them hesitant to take on new challenges, and as such, they miss out on many of life's opportunities.

To prevent small failures from dominating a child's self-perception, parents should help children to confront their anxieties and then reframe the negative experience more positively. To accomplish this, try using the following communication techniques:

1. Listen to your child and validate her feelings. Many parents try to console their children by showing them how minor their mistakes are and telling them there's nothing to be worried about, but in doing so, parents risk dismissing their children's feelings as “silly” or wrong. Instead, you should start by simply listening to your child as she vents her negative feelings and self-doubt, indicating that you understand why she would feel bad about the error she made. Likewise, you shouldn't rush in to give good advice before she's had a chance to fully explain why she feels the way she does.

2. Ask your child to describe how her worries feel. According to a study published in Child Development, children who suffer from chronic self-doubt often have concurrent conditions like anxiety or depression. If self-doubt seems like a particular problem for your child, you should therefore try to discover what's driving her to worry so much (e.g. asking if she's upset because she sits alone at lunch to uncover feelings of social alienation) so that you can tackle the root of the issue. If the problems remain stubbornly persistent or serious in nature, parents should consider seeking the aid of a mental health professional.

3. Teach your child to isolate details. You can combat your child's natural tendency to think in harsh black and white by showing her how to see shades of grey in her experiences. For example, if your child is expressing the idea that she is “bad” at a certain sport, help her to isolate the parts of the sport she is good at and the parts she is struggling with (for instance, she may be able to “serve” well when playing volleyball but be poor at playing close to the net). If she sees herself as neither “good” or “bad” but as having a collection of strengths and weaknesses she can begin to formulate a plan to maximize her strengths and overcome her weaknesses. For instance, she can ask her gym teacher or coach to work with her one-on-one to address the parts of the sport she's having difficulty with. Over time, your child will learn that obstacles always feel smaller when isolated and she will become a more effective problem-solver as a result.

4. Educate your child about the power of self-talk. Children need to understand the power that thought has to shape their experiences; a negative outlook will often lead to negative experiences, and in the same vein, a positive outlook makes one more receptive to opportunities. Teach your child how to reframe her negative thoughts in a way that is positive without being unrealistic, such as by having her make a list of practical suggestions for how to overcome a problem she is facing.

5. Harness the power of positive visualization. Many adults use deep breathing and positive visualization exercises to combat anxiety and self-doubt, but few children are taught how to utilize this essential skill. Help your child get into good habits early on by teaching her “kid friendly” deep breathing and visualization strategies (such as visualizing bubbles rising or a balloon filling up and emptying with each exhale and inhale). Have your child count to a certain number while performing this exercise so that she is not tempted to rush through it. Once your child is relaxed, ask her to visualize herself overcoming her self-doubt.

6. Pay attention to the language you use when describing your own experiences. No matter how much your encourage your child to put her mistakes into the correct perspective, if she sees you beating yourself up regularly over minor errors (e.g. claiming to be a “terrible” cook after burning a single meal) she is likely to emulate your behaviour. Parents are, after all, a child's primary example of how to behave and perceive the world. Likewise, because children tend to take things very literally, your child is unlikely to understand that you're either venting a moment's frustration or joking at your own expense.

If you slip up and generalize your own abilities after making a minor error, correct yourself immediately; if you do this, not only will your child learn how to approach her own negative self-talk, she will know that you can relate to the experience of self-doubt.

About Tali Shenfield

Dr. Tali Shenfield holds a PhD in Psychology from the University of Toronto and is a licensed school and clinical psychologist. She has taught at the University of Toronto and has worked at institutions including the Hospital for Sick Children, Hincks-Dellcrest Centre, TDSB, and YCDSB. Dr. Shenfield is the Founder and Clinical Director of Advanced Psychology Services.

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