Research into attachment theory shows that the type of bond a child forms with their primary caregiver has important developmental implications. Kids who are securely attached to a caregiver (beginning in infancy) have significantly better social and communication skills (including empathy, cooperation, and trust) than kids who experience insecure or avoidant attachment. As a result, they typically form stronger, healthier relationships as adults. Secure attachment is also a key predictor of a child’s level of self-regulation; i.e., their ability to process emotions, control impulses, plan, and adapt to change. These skills are necessary for success in academic and professional settings, and they’re fundamentally tied to physical and psychological health.
Owing to the many benefits of secure attachment, parents have increasingly turned to parenting philosophies that promise to build a close parent-child bond. Of these, Attachment Parenting, which promotes maximum physical contact and emotional responsiveness between parent and child, is arguably the most popular. However, building secure attachment is a complex and adaptive process that relies on the well-being of the parent as much as the child. In some cases, it may actually be undermined by the use of extreme or ill-suited parenting techniques. Instead of relying on specific principles, parents should respond to their child in a sensitive, caring manner, remain flexible in their approach, and learn to recognize the signs of attachment problems.
How Does Attachment and Parenting Relate?
The parent-child bond creates a lifelong model for attachment. Through interacting with a primary caregiver, babies learn how to trust, communicate, and relate to others. According to Attachment Theory, if these early interactions are reliable, reassuring, and nurturing, the infant learns that relationships are safe and dependable. If the caregiver is distant or ambivalent, on the other hand, the child will develop feelings of apprehension and insecurity that carry over into their adult relationships.
Research suggests that there are four main attachment styles:
Secure Attachment
Kids who are securely attached feel safe and comforted in the presence of their parents. At the same time, however, they display a healthy level of independence. These kids treat their parents like a “secure base”; they’re confident enough to explore the world around them and form friendships because they know they can rely on their parents for support and protection if they encounter challenges. As adults, people who were securely attached as children typically have good self-esteem and form lasting, trusting relationships. They also have robust coping skills that allow them to process and express their emotions constructively.
How Do I Know if My Child Has a Secure Attachment?
Some signs that your child is securely attached include:
- Your child prefers your company to that of strangers.
- Your child seeks comfort from you when they are upset or frightened.
- Your older child is affectionate but not “clingy”; they are willing to play and explore on their own. (Separation anxiety is normal in toddlers, but securely attached kids outgrow this trait by age three or four.)
- Your child is happy to see you when you return home after an absence.
Ambivalent Attachment
Ambivalent Attachment (also known as Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment) is fairly rare, affecting just 7-15% of kids. Children with ambivalent-type insecure attachment experience severe anxiety when separated from their primary caregiver, but may also be distant (or even hostile) when offered comfort by their parent or guardian. This attachment style often arises from inconsistencies in parenting style; i.e., when the parent is loving and reassuring sometimes, but distant, absent, or uncaring at other times. Some children may also develop this attachment style due to genetic factors or mental health issues.
Avoidant Attachment
Children with an Avoidant attachment style rarely, if ever, seek comfort from their primary caregiver. These children may even actively avoid their parents, or show no preference for their parents over strangers. Avoidant Attachment usually arises from having a caregiver who is exceptionally emotionally distant.
Disorganized Attachment
Disorganized Attachment frequently (though not always) occurs in children who grow up in abusive or highly unstable homes. Kids with this attachment style, which is also called fearful-avoidant attachment, actively fear their primary caregiver. At the same time, they realize they need their parents to survive, leading to feelings of helplessness and frustration. Out of all of the insecure attachment styles, Disorganized Attachment is the most likely to contribute to mental health issues later in life.
Why Attachment Parenting Is Not the Same as Secure Attachment
Attachment Parenting refers to a parenting style; it doesn’t describe the quality of the parent-child bond. Initially developed in the 1980s by pediatrician William Sears and registered nurse Martha Sears, Attachment Parenting promotes responding promptly and sensitively to a child’s needs, providing ample physical contact, and embracing parenting practices that are interpreted as being more “natural,” such as co-sleeping, breastfeeding, and baby-wearing. This parenting approach arose in opposition to the strict and often distant parenting methods favoured in the first half of the 20th century.
Currently, there is no reliable evidence demonstrating that Attachment Parenting is necessary for secure attachment. While certain aspects of Attachment Parenting (like parental sensitivity and attentiveness) help create a strong parent-child bond, the intense demands of this parenting style can be counterproductive for some families.
What are the Principles of Attachment Parenting?
Attachment Parenting has eight central principles:
- Prepare for pregnancy, birth, and parenting. This step involves researching different birthing options, parenting techniques, and other aspects of infant care. It also asks mothers to work on improving their emotional health and relationship with their partner.
- Feed with love and respect. According to Attachment Parenting, breastfeeding is better for a baby’s physical health and ideal for creating secure attachment. Mothers are strongly encouraged to breastfeed their children, and some proponents of AP continue to breastfeed until their child is a toddler.
- Respond with sensitivity. Parents are encouraged to respond gently and sensitively to their child, regardless of behaviour. AP advises against reprimanding or punishing children, even when they throw repeated tantrums.
- Use nurturing touch. AP mothers are asked to maintain close physical contact with their child as often as possible, through practices like baby-wearing and bathing with their baby.
- Engage in nighttime parenting. AP suggests that babies and young children should sleep in the same room as their parents or, according to some advocates, in the same bed. (Note that co-sleeping is not recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics as it increases the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.)
- Provide constant, loving care. AP parents are instructed to spend as much time with their children as possible, including bringing them along on walks, dinner dates, etc. Infants and toddlers should not be placed in childcare for more than 20 hours a week. Likewise, parents must always respond to their baby’s cries.
- Practice positive discipline. Parents are advised to avoid punishment in favour of techniques like distraction, redirection, reassurance, and guidance.
- Strive for balance in personal and family life. Parents should eat healthily and maintain a solid support network to help them manage the demands of parenting.
Many of the principles of attachment parenting are not harmful per se and may help infants feel loved, protected, and cared for. The main issue with attachment parenting is that its proponents often suggest that failing to follow these principles, even temporarily, could seriously harm a child’s emotional health. Not only is there no evidence to support this claim, but it also places an enormous amount of pressure on mothers. (Attachment Parenting focuses heavily on the role of mothers, despite research showing that infants are capable of developing a secure attachment with other types of primary caregivers, such as fathers, grandparents, or even older siblings.) Under the Attachment Parenting model, mothers may worry that failing to respond to their baby immediately because they’re busy or tired, for example, might permanently damage their child. This pressure to parent perfectly sets the stage for anxiety, exhaustion, and burnout, none of which facilitate a healthy parent-child bond.
For secure attachment to develop, the child’s primary caregiver must be calm, focused, and confident. A mother who is anxious and uncomfortable while co-sleeping with her baby, for example, will not pass on feelings of security to her infant. Similarly, a parent who believes they must oblige their child’s every whim may develop an overly permissive parenting style, ultimately making their child feel less safe.
How Does a Child Develop a Secure Attachment?
Most experts recommend against relying on a prescribed set of parenting “rules” to create secure attachment. Instead, parents should cultivate a parenting style that is warm, authoritative, and attuned to both their needs and the needs of their children. This parenting approach is known as sensitive or responsive parenting, and studies show that it leads to better cognitive and emotional outcomes in children.
Though each parent-child relationship is unique, there are some general guidelines parents can use to help their child feel securely attached:
- Learn to understand your baby’s cues.
Pay attention to the sounds, cries, and gestures your baby makes and try to decipher what they mean. Knowing when your baby is hungry or tired by the pitch of their cry and what body language indicates they want to be picked up, for example, will enable you to respond sensitively to your child.
- Feed your child with care.
Instead of worrying about the feeding method you use (i.e., breastfeeding or bottle-feeding), focus on making feeding time a warm, loving experience. Mute your phone and other electronic devices, relax your posture, and hold your child tenderly while feeding them.
- Engage positively with your infant.
You don’t have to wait until your child is old enough to speak to establish a positive communication style. Practice using open body posture, a calm facial expression, and reassuring eye contact to show your infant that you’re a safe, secure person to be around. Likewise, make time to laugh, play, and share moments of joy with your baby every day.
- Remember that you don’t have to parent perfectly.
Creating a deep, trusting parent-child bond is a gradual process that invariably involves some trial and error. Research shows that children don’t need their parents to respond correctly (or immediately) all of the time to become securely attached, so it’s important to focus on the patterns in your relationship rather than fixating on minor mistakes. If a parent is usually reliable, loving, and responsive – and sincerely apologizes for their missteps – their child will learn to see them as a consistent, loving presence.
Likewise, it’s crucial to realize that damaged attachments can be repaired. If your bond with your child has suffered due to unavoidable circumstances, such as divorce, illness, or a traumatic event, a family therapist can help. During family therapy, a trained professional will coach you and your child on how to communicate more effectively, move past painful memories, and reestablish feelings of safety and security. By working through these steps, you can mend your relationship with your child and prevent the negative outcomes associated with insecure attachment.
