Some children adapt readily to peer socialization, but many struggle to find acceptance and form strong bonds with other children. Sometimes, this difficulty is related to a learning or developmental disorder (like High Functioning Autism or ADHD), in which case your child should receive both professional and parental assistance in building better social skills. In other cases, kids flounder socially because they think or feel differently from other children; very sensitive children and gifted children, for example, experience an increased risk of social dysfunction. Left to their own devices, these kids often become overly introverted, retreating to the safety of the home environment. This may lead to a sense of isolation, poor self-esteem, and even depression. All children—even naturally introverted kids—need some degree of peer interaction and validation.
Regardless of what’s causing your child to experience social challenges, there’s a lot you can do as a parent to make her journey smoother. As is the case with many developmental hurdles, early intervention is key to successfully addressing the issues at hand. Guiding your child through a series of foundational steps before she reaches school age will allow her to develop stronger social skills safely and comfortably. This in turn will reduce friction when she enters the classroom and experiences daily group socialization for the first time.
Understanding the 3 Phases of Early Social Development
Children learn to socialize in distinct phases. As infants, kids are often happiest when playing alone or interacting directly with a parent. Babies benefit most from spending quality time with mom and dad, as this allows them to observe and mimic the basics of communication (i.e., facial expressions, body language, and spoken language). By the time a child hits two years of age, however, she’s generally ready to begin socializing with other children. Before she starts attending Kindergarten, your child should reach the following social milestones:
1. One-on-one interaction.
Around age two, you can begin introducing your child to other kids her own age. At this stage, it’s best to start by choosing a single playmate for your child, rather than introducing her to group situations immediately. Set up “playdates” with another parent and have them bring their child over for short periods of supervised interaction. If your child has special needs, you may have more success pairing her with a child who has similar needs. Ideally, your child and her playmate should share a similar developmental trajectory.
During this stage of development, you should focus on teaching your child specific skills that she’ll need to get along well with others. These skills include taking turns, sharing items, and forming and respecting basic boundaries (e.g., no hitting or pushing other children). This process will probably be challenging at first because your child is used to being the centre of attention and having all of her needs met immediately, but it should become easier after a few months. For best results, you should watch both children involved carefully and end the play session when either child becomes bored or irritable. Structuring play sessions can also be helpful; for example, you might invite both children to blow bubbles with you or play with clay.
2. Handling unfamiliar environments.
Once your child has honed her manners, she should be allowed to try visiting for the first time. This will prepare her to socialize in unfamiliar environments, where anxiety (and therefore the potential for meltdowns) tends to be higher. Visiting will also give your child her first taste of independence and allow her to become more confident in situations where mom and dad aren’t present.
During your child’s first visits with another child, you should accompany her throughout to make sure everything goes smoothly. If it does, you can eventually step back a bit and give your child more freedom: Drive her to and from her friend’s house, but leave while she’s playing with her friend (provided that another parent is there to supervise the visit). Initially, you may want to stay somewhere close by in case your child becomes anxious and wants to return home. After a while, however, she should become comfortable playing on her own with another child.
3. Playing in small groups.
By age three, your child will probably be ready to expand her social sphere by playing in groups of up to four children. Most kids develop associative play skills between the ages of three and four, so kids in this age group are often able to coordinate group activities on their own. Still, it’s important that parents maintain a quiet but consistent presence in the background, as group play presents new challenges and fresh sources of tension. Keep an eye on group activities to make sure that no one is being “ganged up on” during disputes. If you see the children in the group starting to take sides or pick on one individual, step in and offer a positive distraction. For example, you might ask the children if they want to help you bake cookies or play dress-up. Young children have very short attention spans, so they often forget all about their differences when they’re presented with an interesting diversion.
Once your child becomes comfortable with small groups, you should expose her to larger ones in measured doses. Taking your child to the park or having her attend preschool can further prepare her for socializing at school.
Note that it’s not uncommon for kids to test boundaries when they start socializing in larger groups. Your child might experiment with using offensive language or shoving or hitting other kids, simply to define the limits of appropriate behaviour. If you see your child doing any of these things, intervene immediately and calmly (yet firmly) correct her. Don’t wait until you return home to take disciplinary action; kids learn best when they’re proactively shown the right way to behave.
Mastering basic social skills early will help your child integrate seamlessly into the school environment. Nonetheless, it’s generally a good idea to periodically speak to your child’s teacher about how well your child is getting along with her peers. This step is especially important if your child has any special needs. Your child’s teacher may be able to pair her up with like-minded kids or coordinate activities where she’ll excel. This supportive approach will ensure that your child’s social life becomes rich, happy, and vibrant.
