The friendships kids make during their preschool years are important. These early peer bonding experiences help kids learn the social and communication skills they’ll need to enjoy a happy, healthy childhood and adolescence. Making strong friendships at a young age also builds confidence and self-esteem, giving a kids a more positive outlook on themselves and others.
Making friends comes naturally to some children, but many preschool-aged kids struggle to consistently get along with others. Kids in this age group have only just learned to see themselves as being separate from others, so they have a hard time viewing the world from different perspectives and recognizing others’ needs. To overcome these challenges, your preschooler will need your guidance during the process of making friends - particularly when it comes to preventing conflict. Below, we’ll outline six ways you can support your child as she makes friends for the first time:
1. Help your child select compatible friends.
By age three, your child’s unique personality will be fully evident, along with her likes and dislikes. Pay close attention to your child when she talks about the kids she sees regularly at preschool (and during other activities). Does she appear to admire a particular classmate? Does she often relate amusing or interesting stories about a specific child she sees at daycare? Try to remember the names of these children, and unobtrusively observe your child when she interacts with them. If everyone appears to be getting along well, suggest inviting one of your child’s potential friends over for a brief playdate.
2. Talk about the roles of different friendships.
As adults, we know that no two friendships are alike. We choose some friends because we enjoy sharing specific activities with them (for example, playing a sport or attending a class together), and others because we relate to them on a deeper, more personal level. We also have friends we see primarily in certain settings, like work colleagues.
Your preschooler may not be old enough to understand all the complexities of friendship, but you can start introducing her to the different roles friends can occupy. First, talk about how your child plays with some friends only while she’s at school, and others outside of school. Does she feel differently about these two groups? Then, ask her if she has any “school friends” she has a lot in common with, or whose company she especially enjoys. Would she like to see them outside of school, too? (If she would, help her set up a playdate with that child.)
Answering questions like these will teach your child to think about which friends she wants to occupy which roles, and why. She’ll learn to identify who she wants to be a closer friend, and develop the ability to selectively strengthen her most enriching friendships.
3. Encourage your child to reflect on her choices.
Along with thinking about the different types of friendship, your child should consider why she’s drawn to some people more than others. Otherwise, she may fall into the passive role of waiting for other kids to make friends with her, which can lead to less rewarding friendships.
Try asking your child to describe what makes a person a good friend, in her own words. If this concept is too abstract for her to understand, talk about specific friendships instead. Ask her to name someone in her social circle that stands out as being a really good friend. What does your child like most about that person? Does that friend have positive traits, like a willingness to share or help other kids, that make her stand out?
4. Share your values openly.
Talking about your values is a great way to help your child select high-quality friends, but only if it’s done right. Don’t tell your child who she should make friends with (and who she shouldn’t), as this will only push her to assert her independence by making the “wrong” friends. Instead, tell your child which traits you look for in a friend, and why those qualities are so important to you. If you value honesty, for example, share why you think it’s essential to know your friends are telling the truth.
5. Teach your child basic “friendship skills.”
By nature, preschoolers have a hard time sharing, waiting their turn, and allowing others to direct activities. However, while these behaviours are normal and age-appropriate, they often make for fractious friendships. This is especially likely to be the case for kids who struggle to pick up on social cues, or who lack good communication skills.
To minimize conflict and build stable relationships, your child will need to practice overcoming bossy and self-centered behaviours at home. Try to develop fun exercises that will teach your child core social and communication skills, and honestly discuss why learning those skills is so important.
6. Plan your preschooler’s playdates.
Though unstructured play has a lot of benefits for older kids, very young children usually function best during planned playdates. Keep your child’s playdates short (no longer than one to two hours to start with), as young children get cranky when they’re tired or overwhelmed. Talk to your child about specific activities that she and her friends both enjoy, so you can agree on an activity ahead of time.
Let your child play independently with her friend, but stay close by so you can keep an eye on how things are going. If your child (or her friend) becomes aggressive, intervene with a pleasant distraction, such as a snack or suggestion for a new activity. However, you should allow your child to resolve minor, non-hostile conflicts on her own.
Sharing the joys and challenges of making friends can teach you a lot about your child’s personality, learning style, and her individual strengths and weaknesses. If you notice any areas where your child persistently struggles, you’ll be able to address them before she enters school, thereby minimizing her risk of experiencing bullying and other social problems. As a parent, this is one of the most valuable things you can do to give your child a strong start in life.
