Parents try many different strategies in order to encourage their children to behave well: They reason with them, they reward them, they sometimes even nag or cajole them… But what if we’re overlooking the most effective way of connecting with our kids and teaching them self-regulation skills? According to numerous experts on child development, we are—and the answer is as simple as playing with our kids more often.
The vast majority of adults perceive play as being something only children can enjoy doing. Caught up in the obligations of their own busy lives, most parents view playing with their children as a chore. They fail to see that play represents an opportunity for them to take a break, too. Even if a game lasts only ten or fifteen minutes, it can provide adults with a window in which to refresh their minds, get active, laugh, and relax. At the same time, they’ll be helping their kids learn better communication skills and feel more secure. In fact, research shows that kids who play with their parents tend to be both happier and more cooperative.
From an evolutionary perspective, all of the above makes sense: All young mammals use play as a way to safely emulate adult behaviours and therefore learn the skills they will need later in life. Furthermore, play is especially necessary for human children because human beings have more complex emotions they must process and more intricate social dynamics they must learn to navigate. In addition to feeling fear, joy, aggression, and love, human children must learn to work productively with feelings of jealousy, humiliation, disappointment, and apprehension related to future events.
While human children are emotional and cerebral creatures, they do not tend to vent their pent-up feelings verbally in the way that adults do. Instead, they need to release them physically, through the act of play. Doing so can help them avoid throwing tantrums and otherwise acting out destructively. Research shows that games don’t have to be lengthy in order to produce these behavioural benefits—they just have to be active in nature. Active games that last from just five to ten minutes per day can have a lasting positive impact on a child’s well-being. If you’re not sure how to use games to moderate your child’s behaviour, consult the list of ideas below:
1. If your child keeps “bugging” you for no apparent reason, try giving him (or her) a long “bear hug.” Don’t let go until he squirms and tries to get away. Let him escape from your bear hug, then chase after him and repeat the hug and escape activity multiple times until he wears off his energy. Once you’re done, tell your child how much you enjoyed hugging him. This game will reassure your child that he is loved, wanted, and appreciated—which is generally the feeling kids are looking for when they seek their parent’s attention repeatedly.
Note that this game can be adapted to involve both parents: One parent can bear hug the child and let him escape, then the other can intervene and snatch him up. If both parents mock-argue about who gets to “have” the child, he’ll feel especially loved and valued. Alternately, if your child is going through a phase of wanting only mommy or daddy’s attention, you can temporarily block his way as he tries to get to the “preferred” parent. Pretend to vie for his attention, then let him overpower you and get to the other parent.
2. If your child is grumpy, ask him to say “no” every time you say “yes,” while matching your tone of voice as best he can. For example, if you say “yes” softly, he should say “no” softly as well; if you yell “YES” loudly, he should shout back, “NO!” This exercise can help him discharge feelings of defiance and assert his independence. It can also encourage him to use words, rather than destructive actions, to vent negative emotions.
3. If your child is over-excited, offer to spin around in circles with him until he gets dizzy. Jumping up and down on an imaginary trampoline or letting him chase you around in circles can also help him wear off his excess energy. When your child does get tired, stop the exercise and give him a cuddle to help him completely calm down.
4. If your child keeps “butting heads” with you in a battle of wills, pretend to be a terrifying monster, then let your child outsmart or overpower you. Sometimes, giving your child a “remote control” he can use to control your movements (i.e., pausing you, making you run, etc.) or a pillow he can use to hit you can be helpful, too. As you play, tell your child how strong and formidable he is. Ultimately, the objective of this game is to allow your child a chance to assert his independence in a healthy, harmless way.
5. If your child is experiencing separation anxiety, cling to his hand or repeat the “bear hug” exercise until he pushes you away. This will give him a sense of control over his level of interaction with you. It’s a good idea to act silly during this game, such as by “over-acting” your need for affection, in order to defuse the tension of saying goodbye (if you’re about to leave the house). When your child does let you go, tell him, “It’s okay, I know we always come back to each other after a while.” Modeling feelings of trust in this manner will encourage your child to emulate them. Additionally, having a calm 15 minute snuggle session every day with your child can help him maintain feelings of security.
6. If your child is fighting with his sibling a lot, ask your kids to “pretend fight” when they are calm. As they do, act like a sports commentator and provide humorous running commentary on their mock-battle. Some gentle teasing can often help kids see the ridiculousness of their own behaviour and thereby dissolve the tension between them.
7. If your child is whining frequently, don’t ignore him. Instead, offer to help him express his feelings in a “big kid” voice. This will help him overcome his feelings of powerlessness. If, on the other hand, he’s been complaining loudly and aggressively, offer to let him “shout it out” within a specified time limit, after which point complaining will be “off limits” for the rest of the day. When neither of these tactics work, encourage your child to let go and have a good cry—he may simply need to “wash away” built up negative emotions. (“Pretend crying” in front of your child might help him get started if he’s having trouble making the tears come.)
8. If your child has a hard time settling down at night, try giving him a gentle massage while saying “good night” to his various body parts (“Good night shoulder, good night arm, good night wrist,” etc.) Doing the aforementioned will help your child gradually relax each part of his body.
9. If your child has taken something that doesn’t belong to him, you can use play to help show him that stealing is wrong—without making him feel anxious or judged. (Remember that many very young children don’t understand why stealing is wrong.) Grab a stuffed animal and enact it stealing things from around the room, then get another stuffed animal to serve as its parent. The parent animal should be depicted looking around the room, wondering where all of the stolen items have gone, and lamenting that she can’t do certain things because the items she needs have vanished. (E.g., she can’t feed the dog because the dog bowl is gone and she can’t find it.) Follow this game up with a short conversation that further affirms why taking things that don’t belong to us can cause problems for others. Tell your child that we should always ask for permission before borrowing something.
Role-playing with stuffed animals can help kids navigate other challenging situations, too, like starting school, having a fight with a friend, or being unable to overcome a problem behaviour. Using a stuffed animal removes the situation slightly from reality, allowing kids to handle their intense emotions without feeling threatened by them directly. If you’re dealing with a problem behaviour, such as not getting ready for school on time, give your child the opportunity to act out the role of the “parent” stuffed animal after you do, while you act out the child. This can help your child see the situation from your perspective and develop better empathy skills, which will encourage him to correct his behaviour. You might also learn what’s driving your child to act the way he does; for instance, he may be apprehensive about going to a certain class because he finds it very difficult. Make sure to keep humour an active part of these games (such as by having the child stuffed animal go to school in his PJs) so that your child relaxes and opens up.
Finally, remember that not all games have to be planned in advance or acted out in response to a certain behaviour. Play is often best—for parents and children alike—when it’s completely spontaneous and natural. Having an impromptu snowball fight after a fresh layer of snow falls, for example, or playing hide and seek for no reason at all, can greatly enliven your child’s day. These games can encourage both you and your child to take some much needed “time out” in which to appreciate one another and enjoy being alive.
