It is very upsetting for parents to see their children bicker and fight. However, take comfort in knowing that some level of sibling rivalry is normal and healthy and that as a parent you can do something to help your children build satisfying relationships with each other.
Sibling rivalry is often caused by jealousy, stemming from the way that parents treat their children. You need to be sure that you treat each child fairly and equally. This does not mean you need to treat them the same. It is natural that older children have more privileges and responsibilities than a younger child who may not be mature enough yet. Also, pay attention to what your children do when they are tired, hungry, irritable, etc. A cranky child may be less interested in sharing his toys and playing nicely. It is normal for children to need some space and time apart. Distance may actually quell some of the conflicts that occur after a long day. Once you have picked up on the subtleties of when your children are least cooperative, you can be the boss of how they use that time.
Before a child is given a chance to wind up his jealousy-fueled ammunition, talk to him or her and listen to what he or she has to say. Don’t be quick to dismiss how they feel. Give them a chance (and maybe the words) to express their feelings. Assure them that you love all your children equally and set up special one-on-one time with each one. Acknowledge and praise your children for their unique strengths, so they are not tempted to compare and compete. Ask each child what he loves about his sibling and what upsets him. Remind him that a family member is like a friend, “we are all on the same team, and need to help each other”. Talk to the child about what can be expected if they cannot control their feelings by setting up the ground rules of how he or she is expected to behave.
In order for children to understand what is expected, be prepared to model proper behavior with them and other family members. In order to do this, pay attention to your own reactions and deescalate when necessary. Children learn from the adults in their lives and if they see you lose your cool, they’ll believe that is an appropriate way to deal with a conflict.
If you see that conflict already seems to have gotten out of hand and your children are behaving dangerously or aggressively towards one another,, it is important to intervene . It is important for them to understand that it is never alright to hurt each other, even when they are angry and that consequences still apply. Try to explain that it is not important who started it and that both siblings will face ramifications of their actions. A time out may be required for young children or a removal of privileges (such as use of the computer or TV) for older children may be imposed until the children are calm enough to discuss what happened and work towards a solution. If the children are fighting over a toy, the toy gets a time out. Remind them that it is never ok to hit, call names or yell. It is important that you, as a parent, do not take sides, even if it means to defend a younger sibling who may appear defenseless. As things are cooling down, talk to both and help them communicate their feelings. Do not try to teach conflict resolution skills when they are still worked up. This is best saved for another time. Encourage a win-win solution and teach them to compromise.
If an older child is consistently bullying or victimizing a younger sibling, this is a good reason to seek professional help. A child who always feels that he is ‘less than’, will more likely try to hurt his younger sibling and needs to find a different way to deal with his feelings. Be mindful that a younger child who is victimized by an older child may not retaliate in a physical way. He may exact revenge in more subtle ways or mutter under his breath and resort to name-calling. You need to be on the lookout for such behavior and be ready to talk to him or her about it. You might choose to bring it to the attention of a psychologist who can teach them how to communicate more effectively.
Every week, and especially after a heated argument, it may be beneficial to hold a family meeting. This is especially true for older children who can often need a forum where they can talk about their feelings. Before holding this meeting, it is important to establish ground rules. Children need to understand that the goal of a family meeting is to talk about the good and bad events that occurred over the week, to clarify issues and to arrive at resolutions to their problems. Anyone who wants to speak should be given the opportunity to do so, and everyone must listen. All family members can suggest solutions to family-related problems. Everyone works together to set up a plan on how to implement the most effective solution that is agreed upon by all. An action plan should also be made to curb similar problems. It is wise to end a family meeting with a plan for the next family event that everyone can look forward to. These meetings should engender feelings of unity, camaraderie and cooperation, stifling future disputes.
Using the skills and tools outlined above should help deal with sibling rivalry. It also helps to remember that a child needs to be given frequent genuine praise for their unique strengths and accomplishments. In this way, they feel loved and form a secure sense of themselves and do not feel the need to compete with a sibling. In doing so, they also learn to respect their sibling and begin to see him or her as someone they can count on to help them with their problems and challenges. After all, that’s what families do!
Author: Dr. Tali Shenfield
Image Credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/cobalt/2445198400/
