Though many things change when our children cross the threshold into adolescence, our desire to protect them remains the same. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing—teens still need our support and guidance, after all—but you’ll need to be prepared to let go of some of the control you’re used to. Taking measured risks and confronting failure is necessary to healthy adolescent development; if you’re too protective of your teen, you run the risk of stifling her. Your teen needs to learn how to make mistakes and rebound in order to build her confidence, problem-solving skills, and ability to manage stress. Instead of rescuing your teen, it’s vitally important that you allow her to mess up, while at the same time modelling healthy attitudes toward failure.
Step One: Rethink Your Approach to Failure
Before you can help your teen manage her errors, you may need to change how you see failure. The word “failure” has an aura of finality about it, but it shouldn’t. Most forms of failure represent only a temporary setback, and in many cases, failure leads to fresh opportunities. Perhaps your child auditions for a play and doesn’t get chosen for a part, for example, but ends up working behind the scenes. She might discover a passion for set design or directing—something she never would have tapped into if she hadn’t failed. In some cases, these twists of fate can be the catalyst for a thriving hobby or career. Make sure your child understands this when she experiences a setback (though you should emphasize that it’s okay to feel heartbroken in the short term, too).
As a parent, you’ll need to resist the urge to get too wrapped in your child’s success. Don’t put pressure on your child to perform perfectly and make sure she knows that she’s loved and respected unconditionally. Remember: Missing one opportunity won’t set the tone for the rest of your child’s life, but developing a fear of failure absolutely will hinder her. The only sure way to never succeed is to stop trying.
Changing the language you use to describe setbacks can also help you and your child: Rather than using the world “failure,” you can try using words that suggest a more temporary state, like “mistake,” “misfortune,” “lesson,” or “learning experience.” Use these words when talking about your own setbacks, not just your child’s. By demonstrating compassion for yourself, you’ll show your child that failure isn’t a reason to be overly self-critical.
Step Two: Establish Safe Limits
Teens don’t learn how to assess risk overnight. A 13-year-old’s ability to judge danger differs greatly from a 19-year-old’s. As such, parents need to establish age-appropriate limits that define safe behaviour. Having a set of basic rules in place will create secure parameters for your child to experiment within. As your teen matures and proves that she’s responsible, you’ll be able to gradually relax these boundaries.
Though it seems paradoxical, creating clear limits is a necessary part of giving your teen the freedom to make mistakes. Your teen needs these guidelines to help her avoid getting into any situations she can’t easily bounce back from. Parents also find it easier to relax and allow their teen to learn via experience when they know their child is safe.
For best results, keep your rules fair and make sure they’re oriented around your teen’s best interests—Don’t needlessly restrict activities that won’t actually endanger her. For example, it’s prudent to forbid unhealthy habits like smoking, drinking, drug use, staying out very late, or attending parties that lack adult supervision. Trying to stop your teen from dressing in a certain style or listening to certain music, on the other hand, will probably do more harm than good. Rules that focus on preserving your teen’s physical and mental health will help her feel protected without making her feel controlled, so that’s where your focus should be.
Step Three: Stand Back and Allow Your Teen to Fail
Once you and your teen have agreed on a basic set of rules, it’s time to step back and let your teen make mistakes. Don’t attempt to “rescue” your teen when you see her doing something unwise, provided that she’s not putting herself in any direct physical danger. For instance, if you have reminded your teen to complete her homework and she continues to procrastinate, don’t continue to nag her (and don’t complete her work for her). Let her show up to school with the work unfinished; the embarrassment she feels in front of her classmates will demonstrate the importance of staying on track far better than any lecture ever could.
If you see your teen really struggling in a particular area, sit down with her and brainstorm solutions together. This approach will facilitate learning and empower your teen while still ensuring the issues at hand get resolved. To build on the example above, if your teen has persistent difficulty staying on track with her homework, you might suggest creating a homework agenda. You could also discuss how long specific assignments will realistically take in order to help your teen fit them into her schedule. (Teens don’t always have an accurate sense of time, so they often underestimate how long assignments will actually take.)
Step Four: Discuss Your Own Failures
Talking to your teen about misfortunes you endured or mistakes you made will show her that setbacks aren’t the end of the world. She may also pick up resilience strategies from listening to how you handled major issues, like losing a job or ending a long-term relationship. She’ll come to understand that sometimes, failures eventually work out for the best, and they certainly don’t detract from one’s worth as a person.
Solving problems is integral to the development of both cognitive and emotional skills. By stepping back and allowing your teen to fail, you’ll give her the space she needs to learn who she is. At the same time, you’ll still be providing the safe, supportive environment required for quiet reflection, introspection, and rejuvenation. This careful balance of freedom and security is exactly what adolescents need to survive and thrive as they journey into adulthood.
