Experiencing fear is an important stage in emotional development. Normal childhood fears (e.g., being scared of the dark, monsters, etc.) teach kids how to measure and understand risk, evaluate potentially dangerous situations, and manage anxiety. Learning these skills is a necessary part of preparing for adulthood, and there’s a lot parents can do to help their kids process fear in a healthy, productive way. By guiding children through their fears with empathy and support, parents can help build resilience and confidence that will serve their children throughout their lives.
6 Strategies for Managing Your Child’s Fears
1. Let your child know that getting scared is normal.
Experiencing fear can make kids feel weak and insecure, so it’s vital that your child knows his feelings are normal and acceptable. Every once in a while, remind your child that everyone gets scared, even adults. Discuss the physical sensations associated with fear (i.e., feeling your heart race, breathing more quickly than normal, and feeling sweaty or shaky) to give your child an idea of what to expect when he’s scared. This way, he’ll know these common symptoms of fear are nothing to worry about.
2. Keep your child’s fears in perspective.
If you get anxious when your child gets scared, you’ll affirm and magnify his fears. Try to remember that kids get scared of numerous things that don’t usually bother adults, such as characters or concepts from television shows, temporary separation from loved ones, “bad guys,” monsters lurking under the bed, minor injuries, making messes, and so on. Though these fears may preoccupy your child for a while, they’re rarely ever a cause for concern. Most kids naturally grow out of their fears without experiencing any deeper issues.
3. Don’t minimize your child’s feelings; talk about them instead.
Though your child’s fears probably aren’t a mental health concern, they still feel very real to him. As such, you should never tell him that his fears are “silly” or “nothing to worry about,” even if you’re just trying to reassure him. Regardless of your good intentions, these kind of statements send the message that getting scared is foolish and shameful.
Rather than telling your child how he should feel, try asking caring questions about what he’s experiencing. Answering your questions will help your child slow his mind down and process his worries more rationally. Some useful questions include: “Why does that frighten you?” and, “Do you think it’s very likely that will happen, or does it seem pretty unlikely?” Once your child has identified what’s driving his fear, ask him, “How would you handle that, if it did happen?” and, “Can we change anything to help you feel less scared?” Encourage your child to think of his own solutions for the problems at hand, but remind him that you love him and that you’ll be right there if he needs you.
As soon as your child feels reassured, try to change the subject and move on. Though you should never ignore a scared child, spending too much time on your child’s fears can actually reinforce them.
4. Be willing to make reasonable accommodations to lessen your child’s fears.
Forcing a child to “be brave” before he’s ready often does more harm than good, especially when the thing he’s frightened of is avoidable. When you can accommodate your child’s fears without disrupting your household or his ability to function, you should do your best to keep him comfortable while he approaches the issue at his own pace. (For example, let your child sleep with a nightlight on if he wants to, turn off scary TV shows when he’s around, and don’t make him engage in recreational activities that scare him.) Your child will have to deal with many unavoidable scary situations as he matures, so it’s wise and compassionate to limit the amount of unnecessary anxiety he has to deal with.
5. When a scary situation can’t be avoided, give your child coping strategies.
Some of the most common fears kids experience concern going to school, making friends, being away from their parents (even briefly), and making mistakes when trying new activities. Your child can’t lead a full, enriching life if he avoids these things, so as a parent, you need to teach him techniques that will allow him to handle these situations with courage and a positive outlook. The best way to do this is to start small: Give your child a series of steps he can take when confronting an unavoidable fear, and let him take breaks in between steps (if he needs to). After he successfully completes a step, you should praise him to let him know you appreciate his efforts.
In the real world, this might look like asking your child to try sitting on his bike for a few minutes, then praising him for keeping his balance so well. If he seems confident, you can then ask him to ride a few feet while you keep pace with him. From there, keep slightly extending the length of the trip, until your child is comfortable riding on his own.
6. Whenever possible, educate your child about the thing he’s afraid of.
Humans of all ages fear what they don’t understand. Teaching your child about the things that scare him, and helping explore those things when he feels ready, can therefore help him overcome his anxiety. If your child is worried about his first day of school, for example, you might share your own experiences, or encourage your child to discuss the subject with an older friend or sibling. If your child is worried about what’s under the bed, you might get a flashlight and invite him to watch while you examine the area. When your child sees that there’s nothing to be afraid of, ask him if he’d like to take the flashlight and look around himself. With your support, your child can gain a sense of understanding and control over the things he fears.
When to Seek Help for Childhood Fears
Learning how to manage fear is a lifelong process, so you should expect some “trial and error” as your child works to overcome his anxieties. Still, if you find that your child’s worries dominate most of your time and energy, it may be a good idea to talk to a health professional about the best way to support him. Even if your child’s anxiety doesn’t signify an underlying condition, counselling can give you and your child the tools needed to manage difficult situations calmly and effectively.
Counselling is particularly important when a child’s anxiety is linked to a significant life transition, such as moving, changing schools, or experiencing parental divorce. If your child has recently experienced a major upheaval and shows signs of chronic anxiety (e.g., persistent fears, changes in eating or sleeping habits, or frequent nightmares), professional help is a must. The sooner your child gets the care he needs, the easier it will be for him to overcome his fears and thrive.
