Almost all children go through a period of being afraid of the dark. This may manifest as a simple fear of darkness itself or as a fear of monsters or intruders who only come out at night. What’s more, these fears often last longer than parents realize; according to a study conducted in Australia, 64% of preteens and teens (those between 8 and 16 years old, specifically) experience nighttime anxiety. Older kids, especially boys, are ashamed of their anxiety and tend to talk about their fears less.
The reason for the prevalence of nighttime fears is believed to be rooted in our evolutionary history. The concept of having children sleep alone is a very new one; indeed, even today, in many parts of the world children still share a room with other family members. Throughout much of humanity’s past, children slept next to their elders so that they would be protected from predators. (Children are far more vulnerable to predators than full grown adults.) A child who is left alone at night is therefore “programmed” to panic and seek adult company. Add to this the vivid imagination that most kids have and you have a recipe for night terrors, nightmares, etc.
9 Tips to Help Your Child Cope With Bedtime Fears
Research suggests that while nighttime fears are explicable and do eventually pass, they should still be taken seriously. As revealed by the Australian study mentioned above, about 10% of the children who reported experiencing nighttime fears also met the criteria for an anxiety disorder. It’s therefore possible that minimizing nighttime anxiety might be an important part of minimizing overall anxiety. Here’s what you can do to help your child cope:
1. Don’t leave a fearful child alone at night.
In the past, parents were advised to firmly order their distressed child to go back to his own bed and face his fears. The theory was that the child would learn there’s nothing to be afraid of eventually, when the expected monster or intruder never arrives. However, modern research reveals that young children cannot in fact work this kind of thing out themselves; their brains haven’t developed enough to permit them to do so. Instead, they just learn that their fears don’t matter to their parents—and this idea does lasting harm.
Most experts today recommend taking a kinder, more patient approach; either let your young child sleep in your room until his fears pass or sit with him until he falls asleep again in his own bed. You should hug and hold your child, too; research shows that physical affection strongly counteracts separation anxiety. A prompt, affectionate, and reassuring (but calm) parental response has been shown to help children recover from nightmares much more quickly.
2. Teach your child the difference between fantasy and reality.
One of the best ways to help your child develop the cognitive abilities he needs to dismantle his own fears is to explain that what happens on TV and in our imaginations is not real. Your child will learn this more rapidly if you show him when there’s nothing to be afraid of. If, for example, your child is convinced there’s a monster in the closet, open the closet up and shine a flashlight inside. Doing this will have the added benefit of making your child feel as though his parents are indeed there to protect him, even if they sleep in a different room.
3. Make sure your child’s nighttime anxiety is not being fueled by daytime anxiety.
Children who are anxious about something in their waking life (such as being bullied at school or separated from their parents) will sometimes manifest this anxiety as nighttime fears. This happens because kids aren’t always good at verbalizing their emotions, so instead they unintentionally project them onto imagined bogeymen. By helping your child deal with day to day stress, you may be able to minimize his nighttime fears. You may consider a social-emotional assessment if anxious behavior and nighttime fears persist for some time.
4. Don’t send your child to bed too early.
Some children take a while to settle down at night, a pattern which prompts their parents to send them to bed hours ahead of time. In reality, however, this often fuels the problem. The longer kids are left lying awake in the dark, the more time they have to let their imaginations run away with them. It’s better to send your child to bed when he’s actually tired and spend a bit of time with him (e.g., while reading him a bedtime story) so that he settles down more quickly.
5. Make sure your child has one or more “comfort objects.”
Research shows that having a soft, “huggable” toy, like a doll or stuffed animal, can help children feel less alone at night. You should also consider telling your child the toy has protective qualities; this can limit nighttime fears even more.
6. Allow your child to have a night light.
A night light that emits a soft, dim yellow glow will not inhibit your child’s ability to sleep… But it will make him feel a great deal safer. Just make sure to avoid the use of a blue or white lights as these can interfere with the production of the sleep hormone melatonin.
7. Try to limit your child’s exposure to scary TV shows, movies, and stories, particularly in the evening.
This rule should include passive exposure, too. Make sure your child is kept out of earshot while the adults in the household take in frightening shows and movies—or watch the news. According to one recent study, kids exposed to disturbing events via TV programming experienced more sleep disturbances than children who only watched “kid friendly” programs.
8. Teach your child relaxation techniques.
Deep breathing exercises and visualizing positive imagery have both been shown to be effective in combating anxiety. Ask your child to try thinking back to a moment when he felt happy and in control as soon as he starts to feel nervous, e.g., winning a soccer tournament or getting an A on a tough test.
9. Use play to combat fear.
Imaginative games, such as pretending to be a monster hunter who can transform scary monsters into cute or silly animals, can help your child counteract his nighttime fears. You can also try “role reversal” games in which you show your child how to take on the role of the comforting adult. He can then practice soothing the nighttime fears of either you (acting in the role of the scared child) or a favorite toy. In doing so, he’ll be reinforcing calming strategies that he can later use to defuse his own anxieties.
If imaginative play doesn’t help your child, you can try an alternative tactic known as “story desensitization.” Sit down with your child and help him create a story in which his favourite fictional hero must overcome his own nighttime fears. Note that this needs to be approached carefully, however; don’t rush to introduce the monster or intruder your child is afraid of. Let the hero see the antagonist from a distance first (at which point he successfully employs deep breathing and positive thinking exercises). If your child isn’t frightened, you can add a twist to the story that brings that hero closer to the monster. Perhaps the hero notices that the monster looks hurt, so he approaches it carefully while working to stay calm. When he finally arrives, he discovers the monster has a badly sprained ankle. The hero can then use his powers or abilities to heal the monster, and they end up becoming friends.
If you try the strategies above and your child continues to struggle with intense and recurring nighttime fears, it’s a good idea to consult with a mental health professional. Research suggests that kids with extreme nighttime anxiety often struggle with other issues as well, such as daytime anxiety, impulsivity, and attention deficit issues. Early intervention can ensure that your child gets the treatment he needs to overcome all of these challenges.
