Failure is a normal part of life, but for a young child encountering it for the first time it can feel absolutely crushing. Most parents are already familiar with just how intensely kids experience defeat: they’ve seen their child refuse to ever ride a bike again after falling off a few times, for example, or heard her call herself “terrible” at sports after being unable to hit a baseball.
While it’s perfectly normal for children to hit a “wall” of frustration at some point in their lives, when they limit themselves as a result of the experience, they set the stage for further problems. Not only do kids who succumb to defeat miss out on valuable life experiences (the child who declares herself “terrible” at sports will usually avoid participating in any athletic events, for instance), they can inadvertently cultivate a pessimistic pattern of responding to challenges. They often begin to believe that they are personally to blame for negative events and apply a permanence to this pattern. In essence, they think bad things happen to them because they are inherently flawed and it’s impossible to change that. They also tend to internalize failure deeply and magnify it in their minds (i.e., even a minor setback can make them feel as though their lives have been ruined). This pessimistic outlook makes children more prone to depression and poor self-esteem.
Optimistic children, on the other hand, respond to failure far more productively. While they—like all children—will have tantrums and moments of extreme frustration, they’re better able to bounce back. Optimistic kids view negative events as essentially impersonal and impermanent. They can usually understand how outside forces contribute to their setbacks (e.g., an optimistic child who slips off her bike on a rainy day will blame the slick pavement, not her own lack of ability) and put them in proper perspective. Even if an optimistic kid genuinely can’t master something, she probably won’t feel as though her whole life has been tainted as a result.
Optimistic children also typically exhibit the ability to self-soothe. An optimistic child who struggles with sports, for example, will usually comfort herself by reminding herself that she’s great at drawing. Optimistic kids build themselves up rather than tearing themselves down, even when they’re confronted with challenges.
How To Teach Your Child To Be Optimistic
Contrary to popular belief, most children are not born immutably optimistic or pessimistic. While some kids may automatically lean more in one direction than the other, a positive outlook can generally be taught. Parents must, however, take the right approach: Arguing with your child or scolding her when she’s being negative will invariably do more harm than good. Instead, you should guide your child gently, using the strategies below:
- Put empathy first. Pessimistic children are so prone to judging themselves negatively that they very quickly feel criticized by others, too. As such, it’s extremely important that you respond with empathy immediately any time your child experiences a setback. To do this effectively, you’ll need to validate your child’s feelings rather than dismissing them. All too often, well-meaning parents try to comfort their child by saying things like, “Don’t worry, it’s not really a big deal,” not understanding that minimizing their child’s emotions makes her feel misunderstood and brushed off. Instead, you should tell your child that you can see she’s frustrated and upset, and that’s perfectly okay. Once your child has accepted her feelings, she’ll have a much easier time accepting—and forgiving—herself. After she has calmed down, you can start brainstorming solutions to the problem at hand.
- Encourage your child to take a “time out” when she’s feeling frustrated. Pessimistic kids tend to dwell on their failures when left to their own devices. Fortunately, short-circuiting this loop of negative thinking is sometimes as easy as providing your child with some respite and distraction (particularly if your child is quite young). Offering your child a hug, telling her a joke, bringing her a snack or a drink, or inviting her to come do something fun with you can often take her mind off whatever has upset her. What’s more, distancing your child from the problem for a little while can help her keep it in proper perspective.
- Confront your child’s black-and-white thinking. All children are prone to seeing situations as “all or nothing,” but this trait is especially problematic for pessimistic kids. To a pessimistic child, a lack of immediate and total success is tantamount to failure. If a kid with a negative outlook falls off her bike several times in a row, for example, she’s likely to assume she’s simply unable to ride… Even if she’s managed to pedal a little farther with each subsequent attempt.
As a parent, you need to help your child recognize the shades of gray that signify progress. Point out areas where her efforts have created small improvements, then gently explain what else she can do to succeed. Wherever possible, you should also break down large tasks into smaller ones: Unpack big goals like “learn how to ride a bike” and set up a series of achievable milestones instead, e.g., “Learn how to sit properly on a bike seat,” “Learn how to use the brakes and pedals,” “Pedal up the driveway,” etc. Every time your child completes a milestone successfully, she will experience a (highly motivating) sense of achievement.
- Teach your child to balance negatives with positives. Some kids get into a habit of complaining—one that only serves to reinforce their negative thinking patterns. While you cannot, of course, tell your child not to “vent,” you can encourage her to counter negative observations with positive ones. This will teach her how to see the bright side even in frustrating situations.
You should also remind your child of times when she was convinced a situation wouldn’t work out, but ended up experiencing success or happiness after all. This will help her overcome the tendency to assume that negative feelings and experiences are somehow permanent.
With patience and persistence, it’s possible to turn almost any child’s attitude around. However, if your child’s negative outlook proves to be especially severe or enduring, it’s important to recognize that she may have mental health issues. In this case, you should never attempt to go it alone; instead, ask your doctor or a trained mental health professional for assistance.
Author: Rachel Cohen
This is a guest post by Toronto psychotherapist Rachel Cohen. You can follow Rachel on Twitter at @RachiieCohen
Article reviewed by Dr. Tali Shenfield on Jan 20, 2020
