While there is no way to make divorce “easy” on a child, there are ways to keep a divorce from damaging a child in a severe, lasting way. To the eyes of a vulnerable child, there is a world of difference between two parents separating amicably — while reassuring the child that he or she will remain important to both of them — and two parents parting ways amidst harsh words and accusations. According to recent research, how parents behave (not only during a divorce, but also after it) has more effect on the mental health of any children involved than going through the divorce itself.
Identifying Problematic Behaviour When Divorcing
In general, parents who are divorcing will behave in one of the following three ways: They will become argumentative, disengage, or cooperate with one another, depending on their relative level of maturity.
Those who fall into the argumentative group frequently seek to somehow control the person they are divorcing, regardless of the obvious fact that if they could “change” their spouse in any way, they would have done so already and a divorce would not be necessary. In this battle, it is all too easy to make children pawns, tools used to control the other spouse during verbal fights. Not only is doing this completely unproductive, no matter who “wins” the argument of the day, the children always lose.
Likewise, parents must remember that how they speak about their ex-spouse in front of their children can impact their children's self-esteem; children closely identify with their mothers and fathers, so an insult hurled at a parent easily feels like an insult also thrown at his or her children. Too, children in this situation are likely to become conflicted, torn between wanting to agree with one parent's tirades out of love for that parent, while also not wanting to agree out of love for their other parent.
No matter what your spouse has “done” to you, bad-mouthing them will hurt your child. It may also hurt you; unless your spouse was physically abusive to you (and therefore likely not safe for children to be around), it's probable that you will want his or her help at some point while raising your children. Being a single parent is, after all, extremely difficult—and who will better understand your struggles, and the unique needs of your children, than their other parent?
It's normal to be hurt and angry when divorcing, but there are better ways to manage it than engaging in verbal warfare with your ex; give up the idea that you have to prove a point to yourself (that you are “right” and the better person in the situation), and instead seek safe outlets for your anger with the aid of a therapist. If you cannot control your anger around your ex-spouse, ask a professional to mediate, and consider taking an anger management class.
Whatever you do, don't continue to deny or rationalize your argumentative behaviour; the longer you do so, the more your child will be damaged by the resulting strife. Instead of trying to justify your position, and your behaviour, redirect your energy into finding ways to help your child deal with the loss of his or her intact family. Remember, your lifelong relationship with your child or children is at stake—is proving a point to yourself or your spouse really worth sacrificing such a bond?
Changing Problem Behaviours
While it's true that one cannot become more mature overnight, there are a number of strategies parents can employ to improve their behaviour while going through a divorce, such as:
- Remain civil even when you cannot be positive. There's no need to lie and pretend that you love your ex regardless of his or her actions, and trying to do so may backfire through creating further pressure and resentment. Rather than expecting the impossible of yourself, simply try to remain polite and civil, even when you are angry; if you cannot, take a “time out” to cool down before harsh words fly out of your mouth. (This has the additional benefit of modelling appropriate anger management techniques to your children, ones that they will emulate later in life.)
- Refrain from disclosing your issues with your ex to your child, or around your child. What your children need to have affirmed is that they are loved, by both their parents, and that their parents are committed to working together even if they are now just friends and no longer living together. Try to keep discussions about your ex centred on this theme, and avoid delving deeper into the actual issues that drove you and your ex to split up. Your children are too young to understand such complex matters, and they will only feel their loyalty being torn between two people they love if they believe either parent has done wrong or “caused” the divorce. Likewise, delving into the reasons behind the split is likely to arouse your own anger and hurt, which will then come through in your tone and choice of words. (If you are seeing someone new, make sure that he or she adheres to the same policy and does not discuss your ex with you when your children are within earshot.)
- Never ask your children to pass messages between you and your ex. Again, this simply puts your children in the middle of the conflict and often causes confusion and hurt feelings. Likewise, you should never ask your children for information on what your ex doing or saying about you. If you truly cannot talk calmly with your ex, involve a mediator and/or work on devising alternate techniques, such as writing notes or creating a signal to cue a “time out” when things begin to get heated.
- Access your ex's strengths. No matter how angry you are at your ex, try to remember why you chose him or her as not only a spouse, but as someone to raise your children with. What are his or her strengths, the good qualities that led you to commit to him or her? How can you draw on them to better the lives of your children?
- Don't get bogged down in practical details. Money issues and visitation issues can be stressful, yes, but they should never take precedence over the immediate welfare of your children. Save handling such matters for those times when you are working with your lawyer, and don't let them intrude when you and your spouse are around your children. Similarly, be sure to follow any legal arrangements which are in place, such as visitation times—not only will this make dealing with your ex easier, it will prevent your children from feeling confused or abandoned, and help to give them a continuing sense of structure.
- Don't overreact to your ex's behaviour. Unless your ex is placing your children in an unsafe situation, don't react each time they prove not to be the “perfect” parent. If your children complain about minor things your ex is doing (not letting them have a friend over, being too busy to take them to soccer practice, not buying them something they want, and so on), resist the urge to get involved. Ask that your children take up such issues with the other parent directly—remember, children are not above trying to play their parents off one another in order to get what they want.
- If you do have an outburst in front of your children, make sure they see you apologize. Despite your best efforts, you may wind up in an argument with your ex in front of your children—no one is perfect, after all. If this does happen, in addition to calming the situation down as quickly as possible, be sure to apologize to your ex in front of your children (as well as apologizing to your children). Your children need to see that everything is “okay” and be assured that each parent is doing his or her best to resolve the issues at hand in a calmer, more amicable manner.
Moving Forward
You owe it to yourself, and not just to your children, to move on from your ex in a healthy, mature manner—one which allows you to turn the page, let go of the past, and create a new life for yourself which is not poisoned by anger, bitterness, and resentment.
Wherever possible, solicit the aid of trained professionals (via family therapists and marriage counsellors, anger management classes, step parenting classes, etc.) A divorce is a difficult and often painful process, but there's no need to go through it alone. Therapists, counsellors, and other mental health professionals can give you the tools you need to cope with jealousy, direct your anger into something more positive than arguing with your ex, develop a cohesive co-parenting strategy, and ensure that your children emerge from your divorce feeling safe, secure, and loved—no matter what.
