Anxiety is challenging to endure no matter where your child is. At school, however, it can quickly become intolerable. Many otherwise bright, ambitious children fail to achieve their full academic potential because the education system is not set up to meet their needs. If you have an introverted and worry-prone child, you therefore need to be proactive in preparing him (or her) to deal with the school environment.
Understanding the Needs of the Anxious Child
Before you can help your child, you’ll need to have a solid understanding of what he (or she) is going through. It’s not uncommon for well-meaning parents go awry when trying to help their children simply because they lack sufficient insight into the anxious brain. Think, for example, of those parents who tell their children that their fears are “Nothing to worry about.” While this is intended to be reassuring, it comes across as dismissive—and causes the anxious child to become critical about his own feelings. Rather than doing this, you’ll need to learn to validate your child’s emotions. Tell him that you understand why a given action or situation feels scary for him and remind him that you’ll be there for him if he encounters any issues while tackling it. You should also help him break difficult situations down into a series of manageable steps so that they appear less intimidating.
Moreover, most parents don’t realize that anxious kids don’t need additional protection; “coddling” them in this manner can also backfire. If you try too hard to protect your child from triggering situations, you validate the idea that they are really something to be afraid of. Instead, what parents must learn to do is nurture the advantageous aspects of the anxious brain while teaching their child how to cope with its more challenging facets.
Step one in this process is to refrain from trying to change your child into someone he’s not. While you shouldn’t attempt to shelter him from normal obligations (such as going to school), it’s important not to expect him to become extroverted and outwardly confident, either. Instead, remind him that it’s okay not to want to openly answer or ask questions in class or approach people he doesn’t know. Not only are these qualities not necessary for academic success, your child needs to become comfortable with doing such things in his own time. You should also tell your child that, while he can’t avoid his commitments, it’s okay to take “breaks” when he feels overwhelmed. Leaving class or a social gathering to sit outside for five minutes (and practice deep breathing if necessary) can work wonders to prevent an anxious kid from becoming overwrought.
If you want your child to develop more expressive qualities, it’s a good idea to start working on these in environments he is already comfortable in. Encourage intellectual debates at home, for example, or ask your child to try participating in clubs or events related to his interests. In all of these situations, remind him that it’s okay to be wrong and okay to fail. Anxious kids tend to be highly sensitive and hold themselves to very high standards, so it’s easy for them to develop strong fears of losing face or being imperfect.
Remember that your child is going to face a lot of pressure at school to behave like an extrovert, so you’ll need to emphasize the message that introversion is okay, too. The more your child understands that he’s acceptable the way he is, the more confident he will feel, even if he remains shy. For additional ideas on how to help your anxious child thrive academically and personally, review the strategies below:
1. Work closely with your child’s teacher.
Just as many parents don’t innately understand childhood anxiety, some teachers struggle to get the best out of introverted students. Fortunately, most of them are willing to adapt their teaching techniques accordingly if given a few pointers. Talk to your child’s teacher and give him or her tips on how your child learns best and what he needs to succeed. One-on-one attention and small group settings, for instance, often work very well for introverted children.
Don’t forget to fill your child’s teacher in on what your child’s passions are, too. Because introverted kids spend a lot of time on their own, they tend to develop especially intense interests. By appealing to these interests, your child’s teacher may be able to get him to try new things. (If, for example, he loves to write, he might find his niche in his school’s short story writing club.)
2. Know which things feel “unsafe” to your child.
Introverted kids, especially anxious introverted kids, often feel threatened when they’re “put on the spot.” For this reason, they tend to hate being the centre of attention in any way—even if the attention is good attention. They will often avoid raising their hands even if they know the right answer, for instance, just to avoid singling themselves out. Moreover, they’re usually slow to ask for help or try new things at school. It’s important to accept that this is the way your child feels, and you can’t change that. Instead, talk to your child’s teacher about finding ways to work around the issue. Being given five or ten minutes of “one-on-one” time with the teacher after school, for example, can provide a quiet space in which to ask questions.
Furthermore, it’s important to look for subtle signs that your child is struggling, rather than holding back until he asks for help. Certainly don’t wait for your child to start doing poorly at school before you acknowledge that there’s a problem. By the time this occurs, he’ll already be feeling doubtful, ashamed, and hesitant, making it much harder for him to rebound. It’s better to observe your anxious child closely (without being obvious about it, of course) and schedule regular “check ins” to see how well he’s faring academically.
Finally, even if your child is doing okay at school, it’s worthwhile to keep an eye on him. Some anxious kids will intentionally perform below their full capacity just to avoid the attention that comes with being the “best” at something. You’ll therefore need to be keenly aware of his strengths and prepared to gently guide him toward unleashing his full potential. Having your child take a psychoeducational assessment can be an excellent way to get an accurate picture of his strengths and weaknesses (as long as your child understands that these tests are completely confidential).
3. Understand that your child needs time to formulate his thoughts.
Anxious kids don’t tend to be quick when expressing their views and opinions. While this can make them look unintelligent to teachers and other students, in reality, these acutely aware children are often very bright. Their problem tends to be thinking too much, rather than not enough. They often review what they’re about to say several times over to make sure it’s correct and polite. As such, if you (and your child’s teacher) are willing to give your child the time he needs to express himself, you’ll discover that his opinions are often insightful and well-informed.
4. Allow your child to be a bit reserved.
Anxious kids need time to “test” new situations and new people before they dive in—and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. Indeed, their caution can lead them to make better decisions and help them avoid situations that really are risky. Don’t push your child to be open with people he doesn’t know yet or criticize him for seeming “aloof.” Instead, encourage his teacher (and other students, where appropriate) to strike up low-key private conversations with your child when possible. This will help your child learn to connect with others at school in a way that feels nonthreatening to him. Note that this connection should never be (or feel) forced, however. Let your child back off when he needs to.
Because anxious kids are often quiet and well-behaved, it’s easy for them to be overlooked in noisy, crowded classrooms. By learning to intuit your child’s needs and helping his teachers do the same, however, you can ensure that he doesn’t “slip through the cracks” at school. What’s more, you’ll come to understand and appreciate your child’s uniquely mature and empathetic intelligence. Introverted kids have a lot to offer the world—but only if we let them be who they are.
