Though it may seem contradictory, the sudden increase in social awareness that middle schoolers experience makes them more prone to bullying. Children in this age group are so hyper-sensitive to social dynamics that they frequently become highly reactive, competitive, and critical. This isn’t a personality flaw; instead, it’s a sign that the brain’s limbic system is operating in overdrive. This causes teens to take uncalculated risks, aggressively seek social rewards, and experience emotions with particular intensity. It is, in short, a recipe for conflict if not managed well.
If you’re the parent of a middle school-aged child, it’s important to understand that he (or she) is under constant social stress. Whether your child is at school or at home, he’s always wondering what other people think of him—and probably imagining worst-case scenarios. At the same time, his heightened emotions unfavourably impact his ability to make sound, reasoned decisions. This is why punishment-based techniques seldom have any impact on the lengths that young people will go to in order to impress their friends—including bullying. This does not, however, mean that there’s nothing parents can do to prevent such harmful social behaviours.
When it comes to bullying, research suggests that an ounce of prevention is truly worth a pound of cure. While up to half of all middle school children experiment with bullying, only 10% become chronic bullies; most kids are happy to give the behaviour up as soon as they find better ways of resolving tense feelings and situations. It, therefore, makes sense that teaching kids social and emotional skills throughout childhood has the potential to dramatically limit the rate of bullying.
Why Do Kids Become Bullies?
Most children who become bullies have been shown, somewhere during their development, that conflict is the best way to achieve recognition and reward. Often (though not always) these kids come from high-conflict homes and/or they have not been taught the moral skills that they need. They also tend to be socially ostracized and suffer from low self-esteem.
There are, therefore, two obvious ways in which parents can help prevent bullying behaviour: One, they should model healthy, rational conflict resolution at home. Two, they should look into why their child is being labelled “different.” Often kids fail to find acceptance among their peers because they lack social skills as the result of a developmental difference (e.g., a learning disability). Getting to the root of why your child doesn’t fit in and helping him find treatment and support at an early age can mitigate the tendency to lash out later. Additionally, there are a number of productive, nourishing parenting techniques you can use to help your child develop resistance to bullying.
8 Ways To Prevent Bullying In Middle School
1. Foster a close relationship with your child—and don’t let it slip away during adolescence.
Though they may loathe to admit it, teens need their parents as much as ever. Your continued guidance, acceptance, and support will help your teen feel protected, increase his self-esteem, and make him less reliant on peer validation.
One of the best ways to conserve closeness with your middle school-aged child is to embrace, rather than fight, the changes in his brain and behaviour. After all, there’s a lot of good things about this period in his life: He’s experiencing surges of dopamine that inspire him to pursue his interests and passions and slowly develop into a unique adult. Remember to have fun with your teen, too, and get involved in the things he cares about. If you do so, he’ll seek to establish peer relationships that have a similarly positive dynamic.
Finally, don’t forget to schedule some one-on-one time with your teen each week, preferably doing something that he enjoys. Simple though it may sound, this is one of the best ways to keep the bond you share with your child strong.
2. Create a sense of community.
All too often, families today are isolated from one another—and social isolation is a strong contributor to bullying. Rather than shunning your teen’s friends, make your home an enjoyable, welcoming place for them to be. Try to get to know their parents, too. The stronger your social network is, the more socially accepted and protected your child will feel. Furthermore, this kind of involvement gives you the power to create and foster multiple environments wherein bullying is absolutely not tolerated.
You should also try to get your child involved in clubs, teams, or organizations that reflect his interests. This will give him the opportunity to connect with others who already have things in common with him, thereby providing a buffer if things get rough socially at school.
3. Help your child form solid boundaries.
In addition to respecting your teen’s privacy at home, you should teach him to set healthy “calm but firm” boundaries with others as needed. Let him know that he should vocalize his feelings when he’s hurt or feels like his personal space is being invaded, and model rational assertiveness yourself (especially in the way you parent your child). This will help your child learn what kinds of behaviours are “not okay” and how to handle them in a way that’s empowering without being destructive. For more information on how to parent your child in a manner that is neither too aggressive nor too permissive, research the parenting strategy known as “authoritative parenting.”
When parenting a teen, it’s a good idea to monitor his activities in a respectful, unobtrusive way. Don’t violate his boundaries by going through his things or checking his phone, but do maintain a basic awareness of who your teen is friends with and where they like to hang out. You should also let your teen choose his own style, tastes in music, and socio-political views; these things are his right as an individual. Instead of interfering in his personal choices, coach him where it really matters: Instill values of kindness, generosity, respect, and compassion.
Finally, make sure you’re available to help your teen maintain his boundaries. Let him know that if he’s ever in a situation where he feels threatened or uncomfortable, he can call you and you’ll pick him up—without judging him or asking questions. Put safety first.
4. Encourage empathy.
Helping your child develop empathy for others not only limits the risk of him becoming a bully, it will also help him “depersonalize” bullying if he experiences it. If your child can understand that most bullies have been treated badly, he will know where the bully’s behaviour is coming from. As a result, he will be aware that it’s not something he’s inviting by being somehow socially unacceptable.
5. Establish a communication-rich home environment.
Most parents have no difficulty lecturing their children on major issues, but few parents have mastered the art of really listening to their children in return. It’s important to respect your child’s views, needs, and unique personality rather than taking a “Father (or Mother) knows best” attitude. You should also let your child come to you and discuss things when he’s calm, relaxed, and happy; trying to force conversations will make your teen feel awkward. (And of course, when teens feel put on the spot, they usually shut down and clam up.)
All of the above is especially true when it comes to sensitive matters like gender and sexuality—your child needs a trustworthy, accepting, and relaxed confidante to turn to for guidance in these areas. Remember that when it comes to really personal topics, your child is still going to prefer your counsel. He’ll probably be hesitant to share such vulnerable things with his peers, after all.
6. Support your teen’s physical health.
It’s easy to get so caught up in the emotional drama of the teen years that concerns about physical health fall by the wayside. Unfortunately, issues like inadequate sleep and poor nutrition leave teens ill-equipped to handle the intense changes they’re undergoing.
Remember that your teen’s sleep cycle is, for unavoidable biological reasons, set to a later time than yours. Let him sleep in wherever possible and cut him some slack if he occasionally sleeps through his alarm. Likewise, when your teen is hanging out at home, make sure he has healthy snacks he can easily grab. Many teens will eat whatever is most convenient, so making nutritious food the most available kind of food can work wonders for shaping their eating habits.
7. Balance independence with responsibility.
With each new freedom should come a reasonable amount of accountability. If you’ve decided to let your teen go downtown alone, for example, he should be instructed to call you when he’s arrived safely, call you when he’s coming home, and arrive home at a previously-discussed time. Make him aware that if he follows these rules, the privilege will continue; if he doesn’t, it will be revoked.
Make sure that your child’s developing autonomy is treated with objectivity. You should never interpret his newfound need for independence as a rejection of you—it isn’t. It’s a normal part of the maturation process. By treating it like a calm exchange wherein greater responsibility is “traded” for more freedom, you can make the process less stressful for you and your teen.
8. Make sure your teen has enough “media free” time.
From the violent imagery on television and in video games to the invasive pressures of social media, teens can easily become barraged by unhealthy messages. While it’s not plausible or possible to strictly limit your teen’s access to these things, you should try to give your teen healthy alternatives to “screen time.” You should also talk to him about the potential impacts of the media he consumes (e.g., ask him what he thinks the main messages are in his favourite shows and games, ask him how they make him feel, and so on). Teach your teen to become a “critical consumer” so that he’s able to make better choices.
By employing the techniques above, you can raise an emotionally healthy, confident, and compassionate child. If enough parents do so—and work with schools to put more effective counter-bullying measures in place—it’s possible that middle school will one day be a much safer, happier environment for all kids.
