There is no one way in which children react to divorce; depending on the age of the children involved, the circumstances of the divorce, and their individual natures, the impacts of this major life-change can vary widely.
That being said, there is a great deal parents can do to mitigate the potential harm of a divorce; as is the case with most challenges in a child's life, the right guidance from parents can help to ensure that the divorce experience ultimately becomes empowering, leaving children stronger and better able to adapt to change and cope with stress as adults.
This can be hard to fathom, of course, when you're experiencing your child's initial reactions of shock, despair, anger, or anxiety. In order to weather the storm that results from a child's world being turned upside down in a manner that is calm, compassionate, and helpful, parents need to have a plan of action in place:
- Making sure to keep conflict between you and your ex away from the children. Intense, serious “grown up” discussions (such as those about legal matters) should also be kept out of earshot.
- Maintaining normal daily life inasmuch as is possible, adhering to familiar routines.
- Never “blaming” your ex for the divorce in front of the children. (Enlist the help of a therapist to work through your difficult emotions and vent to friends as need be instead.)
- Remaining involved in your child's life and making sure that your ex does the same.
- Not leaning too heavily on your children for support; friends, family, professionals, and clergy (if you are religious) should fill this role instead, allowing you to focus on providing support to your children.
The actual process of stepping your children safely and at least somewhat comfortably through a divorce is, however, far more complex, and will require careful attention and research. The guide presented below will help you to get started:
How to Tell Your Children That You and Your Spouse are Separating
Always wait until your plans are clear before breaking the news to your children; this will prevent undue stress and confusion. Likewise, so long as you and your spouse can handle the matter calmly and amicably, try to ensure that both of you are present while making the announcement. If you're struggling with the situation, try rehearsing what you will say beforehand.
Though the complexity of the language you use and the concepts you express should be adapted to your child's age, the basic sentiment should always be the same: Children of all ages need to know that what has happened is not their fault, and that both of their parents will always love them and be present in their lives. Emphasize that sometimes the way adults care for each other changes, or that people find they're just not suited to living together in the long-term, but the bond between parents and their children is permanent.
Rather than allowing the discussion to become mired in the details of why you and your spouse plan to divorce, keep the focus on explaining to your children how their lives will change, and why these changes are nothing to be afraid of. Allow your children to ask all the questions they need to and answer as honestly as possible (while still keeping the discussion age-appropriate).
Handling Your Child's Reactions
No matter how calmly you break the news and how carefully you choose your words, your children will react—this is normal, and should not be taken to mean that you have done something “wrong”.
Don't argue with your child's reactions; validate his/ her feelings and make sure they know how much you care about them and understand what they are going through. Apologize for the difficulties this situation poses for your child and ask him/ her what you can do make the whole process easier on them.
If your children do not react much at first, don't panic; give them some space and allow the time they need to process the news. However, if your children still refuse to talk after weeks, and are beginning to show their distress in the form of difficulties at school or with peers, arrange for them to see a family therapist or other trained professional; they may be trying to keep the peace at home by staying silent while still needing someone to confide in.
If your child does speak up, however, you will need to be prepared to answer the following questions:
- Who am I going to live with?
- Will I still go to the same school?
- Do I have to move?
- Where will you (or your spouse) live?
- Will we spend the holidays together? Where will we celebrate?
- Will I be separated from my friends?
- Will my favourite activities change?
While it may be hard to answer some of these questions truthfully, you should; if you try too hard to protect your children, you will end up exposing them to the risk of future disappointment. Yet, it is very important to monitor child's anxiety levels through the divorce process.
Helping Children Deal with the News
Unless the situation at home with you and your spouse was extremely tense—and sometimes even if it was—your children are likely to hold onto the hope that someday, you and your ex will get back together, no matter what you say. Allow your children to do so; only after they have had time to adjust to their new lives will they cease to mourn the past. You can expedite this process by:
- Telling your children that it is okay to be honest and express themselves.
- Helping your children to vocalize their feelings. (Pay attention to your children's behaviour for cues that they need to express their emotions.)
- Listening to your children, even when what they say is difficult for you to hear. Remember to affirm their feelings, such as by saying, “I know you miss your father; it's okay.” Alternately, if your children are relieved that you and your spouse have separated (as it means a cessation of tensions), validate these positive feelings as well.
- Affirming that support is available. Whether it's given by you, a relative, or a trained professional, children need to know there is someone they can go to to get things off their chests. If your children are having a hard time thinking of what (or who) would help them, don't hesitate to suggest ideas.
- Taking care of yourself. It's impossible to be your “best self” unless you manage your own stress and take charge of your own well-being; as such, you must remember to keep yourself both physically and emotionally healthy inasmuch as you can. Take stock of your own needs and do your best to meet them, remembering that there's no need to feel guilty for doing so.
- Staying organized. Make sure that you have a private space in which to work out the details of the divorce with your ex, your family, and your lawyer. The more in control you feel, the less likely it is that you will react to the divorce process negatively in front of your children.
- Making sure that you are receiving help. Whether it's with a professional, a support group, friends, or family, you need to share your experiences with people who can relate to them. Not only will this assist you, it will model appropriate support-seeking behaviours to your children, and help to prevent you from leaning on them too heavily. If you're unsure of where to find help, consult online resources, talk to your doctor, or talk to someone you trust within your religious institution of choice.
Maintaining Consistency
Familiarity and comfort are strongly associated with one another, so consistency and routine should be a large part of how you console your children and ease them through this difficult time. Stick to the same rules regarding bedtimes, homework, and chores; while it may seem compassionate to give children time “off” from their responsibilities, doing so for too long will raise their anxiety levels, especially if the children in question are very young.
Remember to maintain one-on-one time with each of your children as you proceed through the divorce, and no matter how difficult it may be, try to extend the same courtesy to your ex. Worry about the details of the visitation schedule later—for now, reassuring your children should be of the utmost priority.
You should also be on the lookout for behavioural changes: Acting out, adopting different habits, regressing (behaving as he or she used to when much younger, e.g. thumb-sucking), struggling at school, having difficulties sleeping or eating, seeming “moody” and becoming overly emotional at inappropriate times are all signs that a child is struggling to adjust to the news of divorce. If your children are older, skipping class and substance abuse may also manifest as signs that there is a problem.
Making Necessary Adjustments
Wherever possible, adjustments in living arrangements should be handled gradually in order to minimize shock and upset.
You will have a choice between the following three living situations:
- One parent is granted sole custody;
- Parents share joint custody of their children (both legal and physical);
- Parents share joint custody, but one parent is given "tie-breaking" authority in certain medical or educational situations.
There is no one “right” living situation for every family; while some children adjust easily to moving between two homes, others prefer the stability of a single residence. (Note that while it may be tempting to try to keep living with your ex for the sake of your children, if that is the case, doing so very rarely works in the long-term.) You will need to pay attention to the individual needs and natures of your children and pick whichever living situation will be easiest on them, and you should also listen to their input when it comes to deciding how to handle holidays, birthdays, and vacations. At all times, remember that you should never pressure your children to “choose” a parent; simply listen to their input and do your best to respect their needs and wishes. (The one exception being if a child tries to choose “sides” or pick one parent over the other; if this occurs, you must emphasize the importance of the involvement of both parents rather than cave in to the child's demands or take them personally.)
You should also consider the fact that the kind of living arrangement which works now may not work in the future; be prepared to make necessary changes as your children enter their preteen years and begin to become more independent from their parents. They may take up activities or develop peer relationships that make it impractical or upsetting to move back and forth between two residences frequently; if this occurs, be flexible and try not to take the changes personally. Likewise, don't think that your child no longer needs your support; he or she still does, just in a different way.
Sometimes your child may have additional special requests, such as wishing to spend the summer (or a longer period of time) with the noncustodial parent; don't immediately react as though the child wishes to move away permanently, as this is likely not the case. Allow your child to explore these options; if you and your ex have an amicable enough relationship, they may work out well.
Going Forward
While divorce is never an easy process, by maintaining a civil relationship with your ex, making sure both you and your ex remain actively involved in your children's lives, and adhering to a consistent schedule of rules and routines, you can minimize the negative impact your divorce will have on your children.
Remember to be patient with both yourself and your children as you make the necessary adjustments to your lives; learn to recognize the signs of stress and to seek professional help if you have concerns about the emotional well-being of anyone in your family.
Change is hard, but when approached with honesty, dignity, and compassion, it can challenge us to become better people—more resilient, more sympathetic, and more versatile. As such, when handled correctly, a divorce can help to create a stronger family unit, even if that unit takes on a new form and dynamic.
Image Credit: Philip Dean
