While many children may appear to bounce back quickly on the surface, the trials and tribulations faced by school-aged children can leave deep scars if not managed correctly. The challenges, setbacks, failures, and social pressures most children experience at school can gradually undermine their confidence and sense of self-worth unless their parents work with them to develop their resilience.
For children with supportive parents, home is a safe haven where encouragement is found, mistakes are forgiven, and strength is restored, allowing them to get up each day prepared to do their best to succeed, no matter the difficulties of yesterday. To develop such an environment parents should:
1. Take the time to really listen. When children begin to attend school full-time, days typically get busy for parents and children alike; evenings are spent making dinner, making sure the children do their homework, have clothes ready for the next day, etc. In this flurry of activity, it's easy for parents to become distracted and begin to operate on autopilot, even if one of their children is trying to express something which has upset him or her. Remember that children (especially as they get older) will not always make an obvious show of their pain; they will not always cry or act out if something has really hurt them. As such, it's important to learn to look for the subtle signs that a child needs to talk about an issue, and when he or she does tentatively begin to speak of it, stop what you're doing and give the child your full attention.
2. Before criticizing or advising your child, put yourself in your child's shoes. To an adult's eyes, things which upset children can seem very small or temporary—while seeming overwhelming to an upset child. This makes it easy to invalidate a child's feelings, which in turn often makes children judge or blame themselves, lowering their ability to bounce back from challenges and perceived slights.
To rectify this tendency, rather than assuring your child “Everything will be better tomorrow,” or “That's not really a big deal,” imagine how you would feel if someone you love dismissed you in such a way after you'd had a long, rotten day. Even if you said thank you and walked way, odds are good that you would not feel particularly comforted, and you might even feel a little hurt or ignored.
Though children use simpler language than adults typically do, their need to discuss their problems properly and feel empathized with is no less real. As such, it's important to imagine what you would need to hear if you were feeling what your child is feeling—and then simply adapt that sentiment into language a child can relate to.
It's also a good idea to involve children in the problem-solving process, e.g. by saying “I'm sure that made you feel very disappointed; is there anything that would help you to feel better?” The more children are able to be agents of positive change within their own lives, the more empowered they will feel, and the faster they will recover from setbacks.
3. Don't try to “fix” your child. Though it's a parent's job to model appropriate behaviours and guide children toward emulating them, attempting to actually change your child's basic nature will deeply undermine his or her resiliency. Trying to “correct” basic traits (such as trying to force a shy child to be “more sociable”) or constantly pointing out things that your child could conceivably improve is a sure way to make your child doubt his or her value as a person.
Additionally, when your child really is being difficult, remember to focus on the behaviours that need changing (rather than labeling your child) and keep in mind that this is likewise an area where children should be involved in the problem-solving process. Saying to a child “You're such a slob” creates a sense of immutable failure, whereas saying “When you don't tidy up your things, you create extra work for me and risk hurting yourself or someone else. What would help you to remember to clean up after yourself?” gives the child a logical reason to change and the sense that he or she can change.
When your child makes the changes you have asked him or her to make, always take the time to voice positive affirmation, and make sure it's specific (highlighting what the positive behaviour is and why it matters).
4. Build on your child's strengths. Adults and children alike tend to be more willing and able to take on life's challenges if they believe they can; as such, it's vital to identify your child's strengths, affirm them, and work on developing them.
Children who know their own strengths also tend to rebound from failure more easily; a child who knows, for example, that he's very good at writing and that his talent is valuable is more likely to forgive himself for having a hard time learning math. The mentality which states “I might not be good at everything, but I'm very good at some things, and people recognize that,” is both appropriately balanced (neither egotistical nor under-confident) and ambitious without being too focused on perfection—the epitome of resilience.
However, parents should be careful not to focus too heavily on one gift or interest their child has, as this creates the risk of the child being crushed should he or she “fail” at that one thing. Instead, choose a range of strengths (academic, personal, social, and so on) and nurture each one.
5. Show children how mistakes can actually be turned around to add to their strengths. Every time we make a mistake, as the saying goes, we learn what doesn't work—allowing us to eventually discover the best way of doing the thing we're attempting to do. As children lack an adult's experience and perspective, they often need to be shown that this is the case; otherwise, minor failures and setbacks can feel immense to them.
Use familiar examples (such as famous inventors, or medical experts who discovered the cures to once-prevalent diseases) to show children how many times great people throughout history had to fail before finally having the “eureka” moment which created their success. Emphasize that with patience, persistence, a good attitude, and the willingness to learn from their mistakes, anyone can prevail.
6. Give children an age-appropriate amount of responsibility. Children who are given responsibilities feel capable, competent, and reliable, which leads to them being better able to take control of problematic situations as they arise. Parents should therefore begin teaching responsibility early, preferably while a child is still a toddler; start with small duties, such as asking your young child to dress himself, help you make his bed, or help you dry non-breakable dishes.
7. Teach your children to think for themselves. Decisive people are better able to think on their feet when faced with challenges, another hallmark of resilience, so children need to be shown how to think independently and assertively. A child who possesses innate leadership qualities is well-prepared to take charge of even the most trying situations.
This is another area in which parents need to resist the urge to lecture or fall back on their greater body of knowledge and “take over” whenever a child is having difficulties. When your child is facing a challenge or setback, rather than simply telling him what he should do, validate how he's feeling (e.g. by saying “I can see why that would make you feel very frustrated”) and then ask him how he thinks he should handle the situation. Once you have discussed a sensible solution, let your child know that you're always available to offer help and support, but let him attempt to find success on his own.
Through utilizing the above strategies, parents can raise children who have a healthy self-esteem, who know how to set realistic goals and achieve them, who feel confident in their ability to make good decisions, and who understand that mistakes are not the end of the world. Such children are not only personally resilient, they often go on to enjoy much more positive relationships throughout their lives, leading to a high level of well-being and a lasting sense of contentment.
Image Credit: Annie Fischinger @ flickr.com/photos/anniefischinger/19977705295
