The teenage years are not challenging solely due to the myriad physical changes young people are going through; the psychological upheaval and emotional intensity of this period, which is marked by the formation of close relationships outside of the home and the periodic rejection of parental support, leaves teens vulnerable to a range of problems.
For parents, it can be very difficult to figure out how to help; the home often becomes turbulent as real disagreements emerge for the first time (often born of conflicting views and ideologies) and teenagers become so peer-focused that it's hard to find the right time to intervene in a calm and loving way.
Many parents feel rejected when their efforts to stay close to their child are rebuffed in favour of friends, but in reality, this is not the case; the teen in question simply has to learn to establish her independence. Underneath the acts of rebellion and argumentative behaviour, teenagers need the support of their parents, and indeed, often think highly of them and their values.
During this stage of development, parents must learn how to step back and let their child explore while still remaining a reliable source of aid when the teen confronts his or her lack of real-world experience. Remember that your teen may seem very brash and confident one minute, then be tumbled by illness, rejection, or upset of some kind and revert to feeling like a lost, scared child who simply needs his parents. Know that he won't always say so outright—pride is a very powerful force in teenage children—but instead he might show his distress through sulky or irritable behaviour, retreating into his room, etc. Upon noticing such signs, affirm that you are there for him, but never try to force him to talk (or worse, try to “snoop” on his activities); confiding in you has to be his decision.
It is likewise important to not react in an overly harsh manner when your teen does experiment, even with things you have “forbidden”, such as smoking, drugs, or alcohol. Not only do teens feel intense peer pressure to join in group activities (even when those activities are harmful), the teenage brain has not yet evolved the same level of impulse control as an adult brain, meaning that teenagers are literally more susceptible to engaging in risky behaviour even when they “should know better”. By being fair and understanding when a rule is broken, you help to ensure that your teenager knows it is safe to talk to you. Keep in mind that as long as a young person is not engaging in these behaviours alone or to excess, there's often little real cause for concern.
Understanding the Various Difficulties Faced by Young People
One of the best things you can do as a parent is research the various problems faced by young people today and do your best to understand them and put yourself in your teenager's shoes; by doing so, you ready yourself to provide unbiased help and support if and when your teen does run into serious difficulties. (Note that this is not especially likely, however; the phenomenon of the “troubled teenager” is not nearly so prevalent as the media would have us believe, and many teens experience only temporary challenges during adolescence.)
As is often the case with adults, the signs of emotional problems in teens usually include changes in appetite, sleep habits, an obsessive concern (or lack of concern) with personal appearance, and heightened anxiety. Teens also experience issues unique to their time of life, however, such as:
Sexual Issues
Teenagers are often confused and insecure regarding their developing sexuality (though some try to cover these feelings by expressing a great deal of sexual bravado).
Parents need to be aware of the reality that their teen is likely experimenting with sex. While the age of consent in many Western nations varies between 16 and 18 years of age, a significant number of teens have their first experience of sex prior to age 16 (roughly 13% in Canada, 16% in the USA, and over 50% of teens in the UK), and the vast majority of teens will have had sex prior to their 19th birthday. As such, it's vital to provide a nonjudgmental space at home where teens may come to their parents for advice on birth control, safe sex, and other issues related to sexuality. It's also essential to ensure that your child has confidential access to a physician in the event that he or she is not comfortable discussing such issues with his or her parents (and don't try to prevent your child from seeing a physician alone should he or she express a wish to).
All that being said, the image of the modern teenager as promiscuous is largely false, another creation of the media; most teens choose their partners quite carefully, both because they want to feel safe during such a vulnerable experience and because they are well aware of the dangers that come with sleeping around. Ergo, if parents realize that their teen is having many sexual encounters without a great deal of regard for his or her personal safety, they should not assume this is merely a product of today's teen culture; in actuality, it is often a sign of emotional distress and the adolescent may require professional intervention.
Behavioural Problems
Teenagers feel compelled to rebel—it's simply their way of asserting their independence and testing boundaries. Rather than getting angry at this behaviour, remain clear and consistent in your rules and boundaries while also taking the time to listen to your teen if he or she feels a rule or boundary truly is unfair and is willing to express this calmly and reasonably. Remember that teens are much more likely to follow rules if they can see a clear logic to them.
Likewise, try to keep up with your teen's whereabouts; having rules which are flexible enough that teens feel they can be honest about where they are going and with whom can actually prevent them from getting into trouble. Research has repeatedly shown that children who feel they have to “sneak” out (meaning that their parents don't know where they are) are at a greater risk of getting into trouble.
Problems at School
Teenagers are much more likely to skip school, refuse to go to school, or experience a sudden drop in grades than younger children. This can happen because of:
- Undiagnosed learning disabilities. As school becomes more challenging, intelligent children who have thus far been able to work around their learning disabilities often begin to struggle to maintain their grades. It's important to investigate the possibility of hidden learning disabilities before the child becomes demoralized.
- Anxiety due to perfectionism. Some teenagers place a great deal of pressure on themselves to perform, and, if they are unable to achieve “perfect” grades, they may become depressed and wish to avoid the source of their unhappiness, school.
- Problems at home. Children with troubled home lives often fail to reach their full potential academically as they find it difficult to concentrate on their studies. These children are especially prone to skipping classes, as they neither wish to be at home or at school.
- Bullying. Approximately 1 in 10 secondary school children are bullied occasionally, while 1 in 20 are bullied weekly. Naturally, children who are being harassed strongly wish to avoid the place where the harassment is happening; this should be understood by parents, and the school should be contacted and the matter corrected promptly.
Problems With the Law
The vast majority of teenagers do not break the law, or if they do, it's a relatively minor offense, such as shoplifting an inexpensive item on a dare or engaging in underage drinking at a party. Often, this happens only once, then the child learns his or her lesson.
Repeated and/or severe violations of the law should be taken as a sign that more serious emotional issues are at play; if this occurs, seek professional help for your child before the situation escalates.
Difficulties With Food
Teenagers today are under an immense amount of pressure to get and stay thin, probably more so than at any other time in history. Overweight teenagers often feel like social pariahs which, perhaps somewhat counter-intuitively, sometimes causes them to seek further solace in food. If this occurs, dieting should not be suggested, as it often worsens the problem; instead, working with the child to improve his or her self-esteem is crucial.
It's important not to panic if your teenager attempts to diet even if he or she is already has a healthy weight; very few teenagers who try a diet once or twice go on to develop a serious eating disorder, in spite of the intense pressure placed on them by the media (only about 1 in 100 teenagers develop anorexia, and 1 in 50 become bulimic). Like comfort eating, serious and detrimental dieting is usually taken up by teens who have poor self-esteem, not teens who develop a temporary interest in dieting and exercising.
Drugs and Alcohol
While experimentation with drugs and alcohol is quite common among teenagers today, relatively few go on to develop patterns of frequent or heavy use, and few actually dabble in “hard” drugs. Though there is a lot of publicity regarding the dangers of various illegal drugs, the drug which actually causes the most problems for teenagers is alcohol.
The frequent use of drugs (even cannabis and alcohol) can cause a range of problems for teenagers owing to the fact that their brains are still developing, and as such, it's important for parents to remain vigilant for signs that their teen is using drugs or alcohol in ways that go beyond occasional experimentation. Sudden, dramatic changes in a teen's behaviour often signify that a problem with drugs or alcohol is present.
Discuss drugs and alcohol openly with your teen, never lying about your own use when you were younger, while still making him or her aware of the risks. Be sure to explain the fact that many drugs have increased in potency over the last few decades in order to prevent your teen from assuming that because you experimented with drugs and turned out all right, he or she will be able to do the same.
Mental Illness
If your teenager's behaviour changes suddenly and drug use is not involved, you should consider the possibility that your teen has a mental illness; many of these produce their first symptoms during adolescence.
Look for rapid changes in mood, behaviour patterns, and/or extreme social withdrawal; if any of these signs are present, they should be mentioned to your child's physician as soon as possible.
Strategies for Creating a Happy Home
Despite all of the potential difficulties outlined above, most parents discover that it's possible to not only get along with their teens, but also to forge and maintain a close and loving bond that lasts into adulthood. Some strategies for ensuring a calm and supportive home environment are as follows:
- Avoid competing with your teen. Sometimes parents can feel threatened by their teen or become jealous; while these feelings are normal (as teens are entering into their strength and a very exciting time of their lives while parents are often entering middle age) it's essential not to let them propel you to compete with your teen or resent him or her. Discuss your worries with a friend or your spouse and process them adequately so that they cannot fuel fights and disagreements.
- Make sure home feels safe for your teen. While parents are authority figures and must provide rules and boundaries, at the end of the day, home should be a place where teenagers feel loved and accepted unconditionally. You should be sure to work with your spouse or partner, if you have one, to both create a clear approach to discipline and to ensure that a calm environment prevails in the home; if you and your partner are always arguing, your teen will not feel that home is a safe place to be.
- Listen to your teen. What teens need most from their parents is advice, sympathy, and comfort; practice “active listening” rather than rushing to deliver criticism or assert your superior knowledge.
- Maintain clear, consistent, but fair rules. Your teen may act like she hates the rules you have set out for her, but in reality, she needs them to feel safe, just as a younger child does. However, unlike when dealing with a young child, you should involve your teen in discussions about the rules and respect her input. As your teen gets older, the rules should become more flexible in preparation for the total freedom of adulthood. (Additionally, don't forget to reward good behaviour—doing so works just as well with teens as it does with small children.)
- Never use physical (corporal) punishment. While this kind of punishment is not advised for children of any age, it is especially problematic when applied to teenagers as it teaches them that violence is an acceptable way to resolve conflict. As the teen gets bigger and stronger, all-out physical fights with him or her may happen if you attempt corporal punishment.
- Lead by example. As independent as your teen tries to seem, he or she is still looking to you to gauge what acceptable behaviour is and is not. As such, you need to set the right kind of example for your teen; if you don't want him to lie, don't lie; if you don't want him to get drunk, don't do so yourself, etc.
When to Consider Professional Help
If, in spite of all your best efforts, your teenager experiences severe turmoil at home or at school for months on end, it is likely that he or she has problems which you cannot solve on your own. Persistent depression, anxiety, serious eating disorders, or frequent risky behaviour usually require outside help from a qualified family therapist. A family therapist can work with your family to improve communication, make you aware of what your teen is going through, show you how to help your teen cope, and defuse conflicts.
If you are unsure of whether or not you should enlist the aid of professional, review the signs below; each of these may suggest that a serious issue is present:
- Your teen has become incredibly secretive and evasive, in spite of the fact that you allow him or her an appropriate amount of privacy.
- Your teen frequently explodes with angry outbursts that are not proportional to the situation.
- Your teen often ignores her curfew or lies about her whereabouts even though you have done your best to be flexible and non-judgmental and allow her to confide in you.
- Your teen appears to be abusing alcohol or drugs frequently and not always in the presence of friends.
- Your adolescent has repeatedly been caught stealing money.
- Your teen has a new peer group who he tries to prevent you from meeting, and this peer group seems to have prompted a sudden negative change in your teen's appearance and behaviour.
- Your teen has frequent, drastic mood swings which are accompanied by a change in sleep and/or eating habits.
- Your adolescent's grades have plummeted and she is losing interest in her favourite activities.
Featured image is courtesy of Pixabay.com
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