Even if you feel that your child could never be the target of bullying and you've ingrained into their mind your admonishments against bullying others, bullying is something that every parent should know as much about as possible. Bullying affects not just the bullies and their victims. It affects everyone. Bullying can tear apart a classroom, a school or an entire community. No family is safe from the effects of bullying.
The first thing to be aware of is what makes one child rather than another vulnerable to bullying. It can be summed up in two words – ‘being different’. The label of ‘not us’ seems to hang over the head of children who are overweight, socially awkward, disabled, emotionally or cognitively challenged or ethnically different. ‘Not us’ translates into behaviors that ostracize the victim from ‘us’. In particular, Autistic/Asperger's children are almost certain to be bullied. Some estimates place the number at 75% while other estimates range as high as 100%.
There are several signs to look for that are markers for bullying. While physical bullying is relatively easy to spot by watching for the condition of your child’s clothing, book bag and books, as well as bruises and cuts on their body, its verbal and psychological bullying that is actually the most common. Look for signs such as habitual sickness, anxiety, irritability, inability to get out of bed in the morning, depression and complaints of stomach aches and general malaise as markers that bullying is occurring. Also look for signs of deterioration in the social skills that you have worked so hard to develop. However, also be aware that sometimes, especially with Autistic/Asperger's children, no signs are visible at all. This means that you will need to develop a habit of asking the right kinds of questions to find out what your child is experiencing at school, after school and especially on-line.
Your ability to communicate honestly and openly with your child is actually the greatest weapon that you have in the war against bullying. Begin as early as possible in your child’s school years establishing ‘talk times’ soon after they come home from school or any other activities. Ask them to tell you what happened during the day but in a very special way. Most Autistic/Asperger's children won’t be able to identify bullying behavior as something they should talk about, so you will need to ask questions like these:
- - Did you get any emails from anyone at school? What did they say?
- - Were there any pictures of you that you saw today?
- - Did you talk to anyone today? What did you say to them?
- - Did anyone make you keep a secret?
- - Did something funny happen today?
The challenge for many Autistic/Asperger's children is that they really don’t know what appropriate behavior is – both theirs and the behavior of others. These conversations will help you identify for your child what is normal versus abusive behavior on the parts of others. Over time your child may learn to label the behaviors of others more effectively and share with you what is happening during the day.
There is one other important component of these after school conversations. While Autistic/Asperger's children are almost certain to be bullied, they are also at high risk of being bullies themselves. Weak emotional regulation and lack of social awareness may lead them to retaliate in ways that actually make things far worse. This is particularly true for their activities on-line where these children often feel the most comfortable. When you suspect that bullying is occurring it is wise to monitor your child’s on-line presence.
This leads then to questions regarding what else to do if you suspect or know for certain that your child is being bullied. Your first instincts will be to reach out to authority figures in order to protect your child. Virtually all school systems now have anti-bullying policies on the books. There is a huge variation, however, in the enforcement of these policies. So while you may want to report what is happening to school authorities, don’t be surprised by a less than enthusiastic response. If this is the case, it’s usually best not to press the issue too forcefully. And, besides, especially with cyber bullying, even if you do get some support, most bullying takes place outside the view of school yards. Even though you seek out school authorities to notify them and ask for support this will rarely, if ever, stop the bullying. And in some cases it may actually make it worse as the bullies move underground and become more difficult to detect and stop.
This is one more reason why having good communication with your child is so important. It will be up to you to teach your child how to recognize when they are being bullied and what to do when this happens. It will also be up to you to teach your child social skills that will minimize their appearance of being ‘different’. While this is in no way intended to advocate for ‘victim blaming’ there are behaviors that your can teach your child to avoid being singled out as ‘different’ and a target for bullying. Autistic/Asperger's children of course find it especially difficult to pick up on social cues and may conduct themselves awkwardly and even aggressively in social situations. Practicing role playing with your child so that they can memorize appropriate behaviors can be beneficial to help them avoid being abused.
It can also be useful to role play with your child responses to specific types of bullying activities. For example, when it comes to cyber bullying you might want to consider sitting with your child looking through their email and text messages. After reaffirming your love for them and the unimportance of the taunts they are receiving you can teach them some basic responses that they can memorize and do automatically. This may be as simple as deleting emails from certain people without even opening them or refraining from leaving inappropriate messages on Facebook pages – both theirs and those of others.
If you take these kinds of approaches you will find that while the bullying may not stop, the pain that it causes your child will be greatly reduced. And even more importantly, you will be teaching your child life skills that they will need throughout their life time. Bullies come in all shapes, ages and sizes.
Image Credit: Brian Auer @ flickr.com/photos/brianauer/3992157834
