While finding out that your child has taken something which does not belong to her is stressful regardless of your child's age, it's often particularly upsetting when dealing with an adolescent. Unlike younger children, who sometimes steal “accidentally” solely because they do not yet understand the concepts of ownership and/or transaction, teenagers are old enough to understand that such behaviour is wrong, making it particularly egregious in the eyes of parents.
Before reacting, however, it's essential to consider the reasons why your teen might feel compelled to take something which isn't hers; while it's true that stealing is indeed reprehensible and should be taken seriously, young people face manifold pressures to engage in theft — whether they truly want to or not. For example, some older children experience impulse control issues which make it genuinely difficult for them to resist temptation, while others may be experiencing bullying (or other forms of intense peer pressure) and engaging in a “cool” behaviour like shoplifting may be their attempt to make the teasing and torment stop. Teenagers also do simply feel a very real need to rebel—their brains are strongly prompting them to assert their independence, which involves rejecting adult authority—leading them to sometimes make poor decisions while pushing boundaries. Additionally, teens may steal as a way of expressing repressed emotional pain, out of boredom if they are not being adequately mentally stimulated at home and at school, or due to what they perceive as necessity.
What to Do if You Catch Your Teen Stealing
Above all else, it's important not to begin by judging your teen negatively; if you do so, your teen will feel that you cannot understand her, and in the future, will simply make a better effort to hide her behaviour. Instead, you should empathize with your teen, while using the strategies outlined below:
- If your teen has stolen from a store or another individual, make sure that she returns the item. Sometimes the humiliation of doing so will in itself teach your teen not to repeat the behaviour, but it is often wise to follow up with some form of consequences at home as well, especially if your child has stolen more than once. Punishments such as making a child do chores to gradually “work off” the item's value both show how serious you are about the subject of theft and give your child an appreciation for the actual worth of things. So long as your child follows through with these actions, you should let the incident be forgotten once the punishment is complete; it's important to forgive children for their mistakes, as guilt frequently worsens self-esteem. (That being said, before dropping the subject, it's a good idea to make sure that your teen knows the consequences will escalate if she does steal again.)
- Never attempt to cover for your child. Sometimes, a child will be so honestly penitent that her parents are tempted to empathize too much, and wind up wishing to lie on her behalf in order to get her out of trouble. Alternately, if the police get involved, parents may be so frightened of legal consequences that they cover for their child. Difficult as it is, you need to let your adolescent face the real-world consequences of her actions; doing anything else sets a bad precedent where she may expect to rely on you to get her out of future trouble and so takes more risks than she would have otherwise.
- Look at who your teen is hanging out with. As mentioned prior, teens often engage in behaviours they never would on their own due to the effects of peer pressure. If your teen has stolen because she felt she “had to” in order to fit in, don't leap into forbidding her from seeing her current group of friends anymore—not only will she likely see them anyway (at school, for example), this encourages rebellion and dishonesty. Instead, both work on her underlying self-esteem issues and help her practice ways to say “no” calmly but firmly.
- Model correct behaviour. Parents have to understand that today's teens have been raised during a time wherein a certain degree of theft has been considered more or less permissible; who in the last twenty years has not, for example, downloaded pirated software, music, or movies? Or tried to stream paid content for free? The internet has changed the way we perceive theft, adding gradations and nuances to it that once did not exist, and many teens today actually expect to be able to get certain things for free without being caught or judged negatively. It is therefore essential that parents set a sterling example when it comes to theft; do not illegally stream or download anything online in front of your teen and do not condone such behaviours.
- Have realistic expectations when it comes to your adolescent's desire for material objects. For a teen, items like clothing and electronics are much more than simply nice things to have—they are the keys with which teens open the door to social acceptability. These items are also paramount to a teen expressing (and exploring) her identity; human beings have evolved to crave personal adornment over many thousands of years, and your teen's need for such is therefore not a character failing or a comment on the sad state of modern society—it's perfectly normal. One of the best ways to prevent theft is therefore to provide your teen with a reasonable amount of the items she claims to “need”. There's no need to start handing over everything she wants, of course, but devising a system wherein she can earn what she desires most (i.e. as a reward for good grades) will both strengthen her work ethic and help to prevent shoplifting.
What if the Stealing Doesn't Stop?
Sometimes, even if parents do all of the right things, a teen continues to steal. It's important to recognize that such behaviour is often a cry for help; your teen very likely has mental health issues which need to be addressed by a professional. Have your child seen by a licensed therapist before the problem escalates and she is left facing serious legal consequences.
