Self-discovery is one of the hallmarks of adolescence. By age 12, young people begin the process of separating themselves from their parents and defining who they are as individuals. As they undertake this journey, they’re shaped by many different factors, including their familial and cultural values, the expectations of society, and their peers. Nonetheless, teens are active participants in their own development; ultimately, they have the power to choose which influences they respond to. By understanding the various stages your teen will go through while developing her (or his) sense of identity, you can help her stay true to herself and make healthy, constructive choices.
The 3 Stages of Adolescent Development
Adolescence was traditionally defined as the “teen” years (ages 13-19), but our modern understanding of how the brain matures has extended this period. The brain continues to grow until age 25, so most experts now feel that adolescence begins at puberty and ends during a child’s college years. We also know that adolescent development can be loosely divided into three distinct stages:
1. Early Adolescence (Ages 11-14)
Early adolescents feel a strong push to define themselves outside the family unit. Kids in this age group may spend more time alone and want to avoid being seen with their parents. “Tweens” are also heavily preoccupied with what their peers think of them and receptive to popular trends. This doesn’t stem from materialism or a rejection of traditional values; tweens are just trying to figure out how to represent themselves and fit into group situations outside the home. As adolescents mature, they generally reintegrate family values into their self-image.
2. Middle Adolescence (Ages 14-18)
During middle adolescence, teens start to think about how their forming identity fits into the larger world around them. Concepts related to gender, sexuality, race, and religion become more relevant during this stage of life. Understanding these issues typically leads to experimentation: Most middle adolescents try on a variety of different roles or personas in order to find which one fits them the best. Eventually, however, their identity starts to stabilize. Teens’ morals and values also become more solid during this period, which can lead to increased activism. Middle adolescents who feel a particularly strong affinity for their family’s religious or cultural beliefs will often join clubs or organizations that reinforce those beliefs.
3. Late and Post-Adolescence (Ages 18-24)
Older adolescents have a general idea of who they are and where they fit into society. Their objectives therefore shift to defining their specific goals for adulthood (e.g., what they want to accomplish in their career) and cultivating deeper peer and romantic relationships. Sometimes, these new experiences can cause fresh paradigm shifts that reshape the adolescent’s identity, especially in more intimate areas like gender identity, sexuality, or religious belief.
Supporting Your Teen’s Self-Exploration
As a parent, it’s important to remember that your teen’s experiences are completely novel to her. When she shares a discovery with you, don’t shut down her enthusiasm or automatically assume she’s seeking your advice. It’s usually better to let your teen feel out her own direction in life, while you act as a “sounding board” she can bounce her ideas off of. However, if your teen is confused or troubled by something that’s come up, you should certainly offer your guidance. Your teen will let you know whether she wants advice or not.
Most adolescents experience identity confusion either because they’re presented with too many options or too few. Based on their background, peer influences, and how the media portrays people “like them” (that is, people of the same race, gender, sexuality, or faith), teens imagine different hypothetical selves they could eventually become. For teens with numerous options and opportunities, the scope of potential selves can feel overwhelming. Teens with fewer choices and privileges, by contrast, often feel like they’re being shoved into a box that doesn’t fit them. Knowing which of these problems your teen is more likely to experience will allow you to counteract confusing or limiting messages. You can also take the following steps to help your teen navigate the sometimes turbulent waters of adolescence:
1. Remind your teen that it’s perfectly normal and acceptable to experience periods of upheaval as she grows.
Your teen needs to understand that change doesn’t invalidate who she is. Likewise, you and your teen should both know that periods of intense change (like moving or switching schools) often precipitate big shifts in identity. Your teen may feel the need to reinvent herself as she adjusts to an unfamiliar situation.
2. Maintain consistent household rules.
Enforcing firm but fair rules and boundaries will help your teen feel secure while she learns who she is. Rules define the limits of safe and morally acceptable behaviour, giving your teen a consistent framework to operate within.
3. Ask your teen open-ended questions.
Occasionally asking your teen how she feels when she’s with certain people or in specific situations can help her identify what’s working for her—and what isn’t. Clarify when your teen feels most at ease with herself, and identify which people or situations cause her to feel insecure or disconnected from herself. Don’t try to make your teen’s choices for her, but do proactively create opportunities for reflection and open discourse.
4. Provide unconditional love.
Your teen needs to know that you’ll always love her, even if she makes choices you don’t agree with or deviates from family tradition. If your teen feels rejected by you, she will become much more susceptible to harmful outside influences.
5. Respect your teen’s privacy, especially online.
Adolescents need safe spaces away from the family where they can experiment with new identities. For many teens, social media provides an important opportunity to “try on” new personas without taking real-world risks. Unless you suspect that your teen is being bullied or harassed online, it’s generally better to allow your adolescent to keep her online activities private. If you do stumble upon one of her social media profiles, don’t panic if her online identity seems out of character for the person you know. If you see something concerning, explain the situation to your teen and gently ask why she chooses to portray herself a certain way online.
By adulthood, your teen should feel as though her identity is stable and relatively unified across different areas of her life. Though only your teen can decide who she wants to be, your support is the secure foundation on which she’ll build a strong, cohesive sense of self. This will empower her to make confident, wise decisions as she navigates the complex world of adulthood.
