Watching your child discover his (or her) traits, skills, and preferences is one of the most rewarding parts of being a parent. As your child learns and grows, you have a unique opportunity to experience the world with a fresh perspective and challenge long-held assumptions and beliefs. Nowhere is this more truthful than when learning about your teen’s gender identity and sexuality. Though we should expect the possibility of our kids falling in love with someone of the same gender (or experiencing attraction to multiple genders), many parents feel unprepared to support their gay or bisexual teen. Likewise, despite living in a time when tolerance is widespread, most preteens and teens are still nervous about “coming out” to their parents.
Knowing what to say (and what not to say) if your teen reveals that he (or she) is gay can make a significant difference in your child’s confidence and self-image. Below, we’ll explain six parenting strategies you can use to support your gay or bisexual teen:
1. Never pressure your child to come out of the closet.
Teens have an intense need to feel in control of their lives, so they want to be allowed to reveal personal information at their own pace. Even if you strongly suspect that your child is gay or bisexual, you should never pressure him to discuss his sexuality. Let him open up to you when he’s ready.
If you would like to help your child feel comfortable enough to come out on his own, it’s best to approach the issue indirectly. Start by showing your support for LGBTQ people and their rights: Make your home a “safe space” where homophobia isn’t permissible in any form, and openly discuss the importance of accepting and respecting all people, regardless of their sexual orientation. You should also make sure your child knows that you love him unconditionally and that you’re always there if he needs to talk.
2. When your child does come out of the closet, stay calm and validate their feelings.
Most teens (gay or straight) feel anxious and embarrassed when discussing sex and relationships with their parents. For LGBTQ teens, these feelings can be overwhelming; many gay and bisexual people describe coming out to their parents as one of the hardest things they ever had to do. For this reason, it’s of paramount importance that you remain calm when your child opens up about being gay, no matter how much the news surprises you. Focus your thoughts on the present and try not to worry about the future difficulties your child may face due to their orientation.
If you don’t know how to react initially, the best response is to take a deep breath and say, “I love you.” Then, offer to hug your child. Affectionate contact will reassure both of you while giving you a moment to formulate a thoughtful, supportive response.
3. Let your child choose how to describe their sexuality.
Developing an attraction towards someone of the same sex can be deeply confusing for teens. As such, your child may not come out by directly describing himself as gay or bisexual; instead, he might discuss his feelings for a specific person in his life, looking for your understanding and advice. If this occurs, avoid applying a label to your child’s sexuality. Sexuality is often fluid for teens, and your child may not be ready to call himself gay or bisexual. Listen to your child’s concerns and focus on helping him work through his current situation; it will be much easier for him to define his sexuality once he’s reached a place of self-acceptance.
4. Make sure your child is safe.
Unfortunately, LGBTQ kids still face a heightened risk of bullying and harassment in some communities. If you think your child might get picked on at school, it’s crucial to ensure he has a reliable support network willing to help him stay safe. Ask your child if he has come out to anyone else, and if he has, were they supportive? Does he have loyal, accepting friends or a teacher he can rely on for assistance? Though you shouldn’t assume your child will get bullied, it’s a good idea to have a plan for who to turn to in the event bullying occurs.
Connecting your child with a therapist who specializes in LGBTQ issues can also be extremely helpful, provided that your child is willing to participate in counselling. Many LGBTQ teens feel isolated and misunderstood, even if they never experience bullying. For teens especially, living with the stigma of being “different” can lead to mental health problems, and research shows that LGBTQ youth have a much higher risk of depression than their heterosexual peers. Having access to a therapist, especially during the confusing stage of coming out, can reduce this risk.
5. Look up support groups in your area.
Joining LGBTQ support groups can also prevent your teen from feeling lonely or alienated. Adolescents are at a stage of development where they not only want but actively need support from others their own age, so finding supportive environments outside of the home is essential.
The Gay and Straight Alliance (GSA) offers services at many high schools, so you may wish to start by seeing if your child’s school has a GSA group. If it doesn’t, try inquiring about support groups and community events at your local Pride or LGBTQ Youth Center. PFLAG Canada also offers a number of resources for LGBTQ kids and their families.
6. Change the way you talk about sex.
Unfortunately, the sexual education provided in school doesn’t always address the needs of LGBTQ teens. As such, if your child is comfortable talking to you about sex, you should do your best to educate him (or her) about issues like contraception (if applicable), safe sex, and consent, working from the perspective of your child’s sexual orientation.
Remember that even if your child’s sexual unions can’t result in conception, practicing safe sex is still vitally important to his (or her) health. Same-sex intercourse can result in STIs, so your teen should know how to use protection, such as condoms and dental dams. Likewise, you should teach your child how to say “no” when he (or she) is uncomfortable with a sexual situation and how to ask for help if necessary. Taking these steps will ensure that your teen’s first sexual experience is healthy and safe.
Because gay and bisexual teens still face additional social challenges, they often need their parents to provide extra support. By acting as a guide, advocate, and safe space, you’ll help your child grow into a strong, confident individual who can fully embrace who they are.
