All relationships go through ups and downs, including parent-child relationships. Today’s parents and children face numerous external pressures that can strain their bond, including economic concerns that keep parents working long or irregular hours, children facing historically high levels of homework, and the influence of mass media and the Internet. These obstacles often prevent parents and children from spending enough time together, and they make it difficult for parents to monitor and guide the development of their children. In many cases, parents must fight to limit their child’s exposure to age-inappropriate content, counteract misinformation, and promote good values, which adds further tension to the parent-child dynamic.
Despite these difficulties, maintaining a close relationship with your child is absolutely worth the effort it entails. Kids who have a secure attachment to their parents have higher self-esteem, a stronger sense of purpose and identity, and better decision-making skills. They’re also more likely to exhibit positive social behaviours. Altogether, these advantages make them less susceptible to toxic influences (both at school and online) and support healthy psychological development.
Because all kids go through periods of individuation where they withdraw from their parents to explore their personalities, it can be difficult to tell whether the distance you feel from your child is a problem or a normal part of growing up. To help you clarify where you stand, we’ll outline some signs that you need to work on your relationship with your child below. We’ll also discuss proven strategies you can use to enhance your connection with your child.
Signs You Need to Repair Your Relationship With Your Child
- You have difficulty naming your child’s preferences, such as his favourite TV shows, video games, school subjects, etc. Ideally, you should know what your child likes and also why he enjoys certain types of media and activities.
- You don’t know many of your child’s friends or what your child does with his friends when they socialize together. A connected parent will generally be privy to his (or her) child’s friendships, including hearing about the conflicts and triumphs that shape his (or her) child’s social life.
- You find your child extremely difficult to discipline. Though no child likes being punished, having chronic, severe discipline issues can indicate problems with the parent-child bond. These problems may include frequent miscommunication, overt defiance or disrespect, or repeated incidents of misbehaviour.
- Your child isn’t developing at a typical pace. Regression is a normal response to stress in children. When kids regress, they act much younger than their chronological age. As a result, they may struggle socially and academically and appear unable to maintain age-appropriate responsibilities.
- Your child acts out or complains excessively to get your attention. Alternately, he (or she) may display extreme separation anxiety.
- Your child has emotional or behavioural problems, such as low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, or aggression issues. Other signs of trouble include social withdrawal and risk-taking behaviour.
Note that while these problems often accompany fractures in the parent-child relationship, they can also signal the presence of a learning disability or a developmental, behavioural, or mood disorder. If your child meets two or more of the criteria above, you should consult a qualified child psychologist to rule out secondary conditions that may be influencing your child’s behaviour.
3 Ways to Rebuild Your Relationship With Your Child
Above all else, strengthening your bond with your child requires a consistent time investment. All relationships take effort to build and maintain, and only by nurturing your connection with your child each day can you show him that you’re trustworthy, caring, and reliable.
To ensure the time you spend with your child builds your relationship while also teaching him valuable skills – like how to solve problems, communicate effectively, and identify and express feelings – avoid passive entertainment, like watching TV shows together. Instead, try engaging your child with play, conversation, and activities outside the home.
1. Play
For kids under age 10, play serves a number of vital developmental purposes. Through play, younger kids learn how to share their feelings and ideas and solve emotional problems. By playing with your child, you’ll meet him on his level and get to explore his world, including his hopes, dreams, fears, and interests. You’ll also give him opportunities to feel powerful and autonomous, which will build his confidence and reduce his desire to incite power struggles with you.
For play to be effective, it must be imaginative, unstructured, and child-led. When you want to play with your child, either ask him to play with you or ask permission to join in play that’s already in progress. If your child isn’t used to you playing with him, he may be a bit wary and withdrawn at first, but don’t let that deter you; reassure him that he’s completely in control of the game and he’ll probably start to relax and participate. If he doesn’t, you can begin a play activity yourself and wait for your child to join in.
To make sure each play session is a success, adhere to the following guidelines:
- Allow your child to be “the boss” during play. Whenever possible, your child should take the lead in deciding what activity you’ll both partake in and what toys or materials will be used during the activity. If you aren’t sure what your child wants you to do, ask him for instructions.
- Don’t give your child advice on how to play (or undermine his ideas). Never judge or criticize your child during play, and don’t ask questions unless you need to clarify his instructions.
- Avoid discussing discipline, school work, or chores during playtime.
- Eliminate distractions so you and your child can focus on playing. (E.g., turn off the TV and put your phone on “silent” mode.)
- Be consistent. Try to play with your child three to five times per week, depending on his schedule and how much repair your relationship needs.
2. Conversation
Parent-child conversation is important for kids of all ages, but it’s especially necessary for kids who have outgrown imaginative play. Preteens and teens thrive when provided with insightful, in-depth conversations that let them explore their emerging adult identity. Kids in this age group use conversation in much the same way young children use play; that is, it provides a vehicle for them to introspect, solve problems in their lives, understand their place in the world, and build core social skills, such as empathy.
Many parents make the mistake of thinking that having a one-on-one conversation with their teen is the perfect opportunity to lecture him about his values or choices. When you do this, however, you send the message that you aren’t interested in listening to your child or discovering who he is, which shuts down the lines of communication. When you talk to your teen, use active listening techniques to validate his feelings, ask permission before sharing your opinion, and let him know that you respect his views even when you don’t agree with them. Avoid criticizing your teen and don’t give him unsolicited advice.
Starting in-depth conversations with your adolescent will probably be more challenging than engaging a younger child in play. You may have to experiment with a few different approaches before your teen responds with openness and sincerity. In general, it’s better to allow conversations to arise spontaneously rather than setting aside a specific time for them. You can encourage your teen to confide in you by creating regular windows of distraction-free time where you can enjoy a quiet activity together, such as taking walks, gardening, or crafting. If your teen still seems hesitant to open up, try asking him non-threatening questions; e.g., ask him what it’s like going to his school, how his friends are doing, or how one of his projects or hobbies is progressing. If he still doesn’t respond, tell him directly that you feel like you’ve let him down by not being present enough in his life. Then, ask him for feedback on how you can repair your relationship.
Once your teen gets used to having personal conversations with you, you can safely ask questions that inspire him to think about who he is. For example, you might ask him what values he holds (and why), who inspires him, what he hopes to achieve in life, and how satisfied he is with his current friendships. Listen thoughtfully to your teen while occasionally reflecting his ideas back to him; this way, he’ll know you understand his point of view.
3. Outside Activities
Participating in activities outside the home with your child or adolescent will help him feel safe and supported while he finds his place in society. Begin by establishing weekly rituals that give your child something to look forward to, such as a trip to the grocery store followed by eating lunch together. These outings don’t have to be elaborate, but they should give your child a chance to spend time alone with you while accomplishing an objective. (If you have multiple children, create a unique weekly activity for each one. Don’t share outings, as the goal of this exercise is to make each child feel special and important.)
In addition to establishing rituals, you should make a point of supporting your child in his extracurricular or school activities. When parents show up at their child’s sports practices, school plays, concerts, etc., they simultaneously show pride in their child’s accomplishments and provide a sense of security. Kids need to know they have someone rooting for them in their endeavors, whether they succeed or not.
After using the techniques outlined above for one to three months, you should see a marked improvement in your relationship with your child. You’ll probably notice that you communicate better with each other, that discipline is easier, and that your child is more relaxed and less likely to act out.
If you don’t notice any significant difference in the way you and your child interact after several months, the problems in your relationship may be unrelated to your parenting style. Your child may have unresolved trauma, for example, or a learning disability or mental illness that affects his ability to form close, nurturing relationships. To identify and treat the root causes of your child’s behaviour, seek the input of a trained mental health professional. Through family counselling, you’ll learn how to connect with your child in a supportive, empathetic way and how to create the right conditions for him to thrive.
