As most parents realize all too well, we’re living in violent times. From gang and terrorist activity to the prevalence of violence in video games and TV shows, everywhere we look today we’re confronted with aggression. Understandably, many parents find themselves worrying that it may not be possible to raise caring, compassionate children within such an environment.
While it’s true that, as a parent, you can’t protect your child from all of the negative influences he (or she) will encounter, you’re by no means powerless. No matter how cruel or unfeeling the outside world appears to be, it will always be possible to raise caring, considerate, fair children. Think of it this way: Many people who were raised alongside terrible poverty and violence went on to become our greatest advocates for peace.
Learning Compassion Starts Early
First and foremost, parents need to dispel the popular idea that children are inherently “selfish.” While it’s true that children tend to be focused on their immediate needs, this doesn’t mean that they lack empathy or caring. Though researchers used to believe that compassion didn’t truly develop until late adolescence, modern findings have proven this view to be incorrect. Numerous studies have confirmed that even very young children are capable of feeling and expressing empathy. Furthermore, there’s evidence that practicing compassion is very good for kids: One study found that adolescents who regularly help others generally feel positive and hopeful about their futures.
Parents should therefore start instilling the values of kindness and responsibility early on in life. Rather than excusing your toddler’s thoughtless or cruel behaviour as a “normal” part of development, for instance, let him know immediately that you don’t want him behaving in such ways. Just remember to keep your focus on the behaviour itself—never label your child by calling him an unkind individual. Labels create self-beliefs that children find difficult to shake.
When you do reprimand your child for hurtful behaviour, make sure you explain to him why what he did is wrong. A very young child may not know, for example, that he’s hurting the cat if he pulls its tail, or that taking another child’s toys even temporarily is upsetting. Remember that the objective is to educate your child about right and wrong, not make him feel guilty because he didn’t know any better. In fact, research indicates that simply being kind to your child even when he makes mistakes is one of the most powerful ways to teach him compassion for others.
You should also demonstrate caring, empathy, and compassion in your interactions with others. Children, especially very young children, watch their parents closely and quickly soak up cues that suggest how to behave. While it’s true that your child will also be shaped by his own unique and inherent traits, modeling gentle behaviour significantly increases the odds that your child will behave in similar ways. If, on the other hand, you say one thing and do another, your words are liable to fall on deaf ears. Remember: Your child starts watching and emulating your actions before he can even talk.
If you can, you should try to surround your child with several different adult role models who are kind and caring. This both gives your child multiple perspectives on how kindness can be shown and helps take some of the pressure off of you as a parent—after all, you can’t expect yourself to be a perfect model of compassion all the time.
4 Strategies For Teaching Your Children Compassion
While compassionate parenting forms the foundation of raising kind children, you should also endeavor to guide your child’s relationship with broader society in a positive direction. Using the four techniques below, you can help to counteract the violent messages your child will inevitably receive from the media, music, and friends:
- Give your child books that encourage compassionate behaviour in a realistic way. Look for books that have compassionate protagonists your children can relate to (i.e., average people who perform acts of caring, not perfect, infallible archetypes). You can also provide your child with (age appropriate) biographical nonfiction covering famous altruists. Research indicates that reading helps kids to develop their emotional intelligence and empathy, so it should generally be encouraged.
- Try to guide your child’s choice in television programs. While “banning” violent shows is seldom effective (forbidding something completely tends to make children want it even more), it is possible to educate your child so that he thinks more critically about the media he consumes. Talk to your child about the violence he sees in his favourite television programs and encourage him to be mindful of how it makes him feel. You should also teach him to consider alternatives—Are there other shows he could watch instead? If not, can he think of ways the characters in his favourite shows could have solved their problems without resorting to violence? Children who can look at violent behaviour objectively in this manner are less likely to automatically emulate it.
- Look for volunteer opportunities for your children. Churches, youth groups, and schools often provide opportunities for children to get active in the community. (It’s important to look for child-friendly programs in order to ensure that your child will not be exposed to potentially upsetting situations, such as working with the homeless or injured or sick animals. These kinds of roles are more suitable for young adults.) Volunteering not only fosters compassionate behaviour in children, it also gives them a stronger sense of connection and community.
- Provide a secure home environment. Research shows that children who feel they have a secure base at home are more likely to turn their focus outward and think of the needs of others around them. Because their emotional needs are being met, they can give their full attention to empathizing with others when the opportunity arises. Children who are deprived of nurturing, on the other hand, must turn their focus inward and attempt to meet their own needs much of the time.
Ultimately, love is the armor that will help your child fend off the dangerous influences of an increasingly violent society. By embodying compassion as consistently as possible in your daily interactions with your child, your spouse, your friends, and your family, you can set a healthy example for your child to follow. You will also show your child the benefits of kindness through first-hand experience: As a result of receiving your care, he will come to understand that kindness heals emotional wounds, inspires joy, and motivates us to overcome challenges and be our best selves.
