The motivations of adolescents sometimes appear completely irrational to adult eyes. What your teen says she wants and what she actually does may be so distant from one another as to seem contradictory. Your teen might sincerely want to join a sports team or excel in music, for example, then refuse to practice. She might dream of getting into a good college, but frequently stay up all night and miss school. When kids sabotage themselves in this way, parents feel both confused and helpless. They want to help their child achieve her goals, but when they attempt to keep her on track, she seems unreceptive to reason.
The first thing you need to understand when dealing with your teen’s irrational behaviour is that she’s not being difficult on purpose. Her actions stem from heightened emotionality and an innate need to establish her independence. To become her own person, she must differentiate herself from her parents, and this means taking the opposing position in debates — Even when that position doesn’t make a lot of sense from an objective point of view. The key to reasoning with your teen lies in validating her stance (so her need to individuate is not undermined) while positively influencing her. Most experts recommend using a communication technique known as “motivational interviewing” to get the best out of your teen. Motivational interviewing incorporates a number of distinct steps, as outlined below:
6 Motivational Interviewing Strategies
1. Start with empathy.
Most teens are convinced that their parents “just don’t understand” them. This perception arises from more than simple adolescent angst; parents are often too quick to give advice, without first considering their teen’s feelings. To avoid creating resistance in your teen, verbally acknowledge your child’s feelings at the outset of difficult discussions. Repeat her stated position on the issues at hand, making sure you understood what she said.
2. Use open-ended questions to clarify your teen’s motivations.
Adolescents tend to be reactive and impulsive; as such, they may form plans and opinions more emotionally than rationally. They don’t always take the time to get to the bottom of why they feel the way they do, which leaves them susceptible to poor decision-making.
You can help your teen make the right choices by encouraging her to explore her deeper motivations. Ask her open-ended questions (questions that have no “right” answer, but instead prompt exploration) to help her slow down and rethink the situation. Examples of open-ended questions include asking your child how her day went, asking what happened prior to a challenging event (e.g., “What happened in the hour leading up to the argument you had with your friend?”), asking her how she feels about a situation, asking her why she does (or doesn’t) want to do a specific thing, etc. Open-ended questions never have a simple “yes” or “no” answer; they always require thought and insight.
3. Reflect your teen’s words and actions back to her to reveal instances of flawed logic.
Teens don’t always realize there’s a discrepancy between their desires and their actions. They get so caught up in the emotions of the moment that they don’t think about the long-term implications of their choices. You can help your teen think logically by reflecting her statements back at her in a simpler, more direct form.
This technique must be used carefully; if your teen thinks you’re being sarcastic or condescending, she’ll shut down immediately. You should therefore start by gently asking your teen for permission to share your insights (i.e., “Is it okay if I tell you what I see happening, here?”). If your teen signifies a willingness to listen to what you have to say, point out what she’s been doing (without being judgmental—stick to the facts) and how it doesn’t align with her goals. For example, if your teen is resisting putting in an hour of study time because she wants to hang out with her new friends, you might say something like: “I know how badly you wanted to be accepted by Emma and her friends, but I also know you have your heart set on going to a good college. I notice your friends are taking up a lot of your time, and you don’t always have much energy left over to study after you hang out with them.”
4. Validate your teen’s autonomy by allowing her to make choices.
Adolescents, like adults, need to independently recognize the existence of a problem before they can change. To become motivated, they must understand why their behaviour is a problem and they must believe they can alter it.
Once you’ve helped your teen see where she might be making a poor choice, allow her to take the next step. You might say something like, “Look, I’d never want to take your friends away from you, and I trust in your ability to manage your time well. What do you think the best way to handle this situation is?” Of course, you’ll need to be prepared to watch your teen sometimes make the wrong choice when given the option. Permit her to experiment with doing things her way (as long as she isn’t putting her health or safety at risk), then invite her to revisit the decision once she experiences the consequences of her actions. While it can be difficult to watch your child make preventable mistakes, this approach works much better than forceful persuasion.
5. Take the time to understand and appreciate your teen’s position, even when she makes a mistake.
When your teen makes a truly bad choice, it’s natural to want to react with shock and condemnation. This won’t, however, do anything to change your teen’s behaviour; all it will do is drive a wedge between you and your child. Even if you’re shocked by what your teen is telling you, it’s essential to take a step back and focus on your child’s needs: She’s confiding in you because she’s feeling scared, confused, or guilty, and she needs your support. These moments, while they can be intensely stressful and worrying, are also key opportunities to build your connection with your child. The stronger this connection is, the more receptive she’ll be to your positive influence.
When your child confesses a mistake to you, start by appreciating the bravery it took to do so. If your child has confessed to sneaking out at night to drink with friends, for example, say: “I understand how hard it probably was to admit that, and I appreciate your honesty. Would you like to tell me why you started doing that?”
6. When your child is ready to change, help her make a plan.
Unlike adults, adolescents don’t have fully developed executive functioning skills. This makes it hard for some teens to create and execute detailed long-term plans, even when they genuinely want to change their behaviour. Not all teens have this issue—and if your child is confident making a plan on her own, you should let her—but it’s always a good idea to offer aid in this area. To help your child make an action plan, have her list:
- The specific changes she wants to make.
- Why she wants to alter her behaviour.
- What steps those changes will require.
- Who, and what, can help her on her journey.
- Possible factors that could derail her success, and how to handle them.
- How to determine when she’s been successful.
Final Thoughts
While motivational interviewing takes time and patience to learn, research has shown that it can change even very troubling behaviours, like disordered eating, substance abuse, and risky sexual activity. The best way to master this technique is to start slowly: Use it to work through relatively simple, everyday challenges, like getting to bed on time. This way, when a larger issue arises, you’ll already have the skills you need to help your child work through it.
