In Canada, more than 1 in 10 youth are living with a disability, and over half (59.8%) of these youth have a learning disability. Kids affected by physical, mental, and cognitive disabilities have a broad range of experiences, from mild, selective impairment to significant challenges in multiple areas of their lives.
When provided with enough support at home and at school, most disabled kids go on to lead happy, fulfilling lives. Providing this support can take a toll on parents, however: Research shows that parents of kids with disabilities have higher levels of emotional and financial stress than other parents. They’re also more likely to experience relationship problems and, in some cases, physical health issues as a result of chronic stress. Clearly, just as disabled kids need specialized care in order to thrive, the parents of these children need specific coping strategies to handle the additional emotional and financial strain they face.
If you’re the parent of a disabled child, knowing which difficult feelings you’re likely to have - and how to manage them when they occur - will help you take better care of yourself and your child. Knowing that experiencing negative emotions is a normal part of raising a disabled child can also combat shame and stigma and empower you as a parent. Remember: Experiencing sadness or worry doesn’t mean you don’t love and accept your child for who he (or she) is; it just means that helping someone who’s different fit into a society designed for non-disabled people can be frustrating and tiring for everyone involved. By making time to introspect and recharge, you’ll be able to address these feelings, rebound from setbacks, and fully embrace your child’s successes.
5 Challenging Feelings to Expect when Parenting a Child with Special Needs
1. Grief and sadness.
All parents go through periods of sadness as their kids grow and develop, because watching children experience loss and hardship as they mature is invariably painful. If your child has a disability, this normal grief will be amplified by knowing your child has to struggle harder than other kids to achieve his goals. As you watch your child work to overcome his limitations, you’ll probably cycle through profound highs and lows because his hard-won triumphs will sometimes be followed by crushing setbacks.
You may also feel sorrow and concern about the things your child is missing out on due to his condition, and worry about how his deficits will affect his adult life. For some parents, there is the added grief of having to watch their child endure painful or stressful medical treatments related to his or her disability.
2. Anger and resentment.
Advocating for a child with special needs is often fraught with obstacles. Parents of disabled children frequently struggle to get an accurate diagnosis for their child, find the right medical care, and secure funding to help manage their child’s needs. In some cases, these parents also face invalidation from educators, therapists, and other professionals who assume they’re handling their child’s disability the wrong way. As a result, they experience feelings of frustration, anger, resentment, and helplessness. They may also resent families who don’t have to go through similar trials, even if having such thoughts makes them feel irrational or ashamed.
If you experience these feelings, know that being jealous of other families isn’t the same as resenting your child. It’s understandable to envy parents who don’t have the same workload because they get to spend more quality time with their kids, rather than having to fight so hard for their care. It’s also normal to envy other families because you wish your child could enjoy similar experiences. These feelings arise because you love your child and want the best for him, so you shouldn’t feel guilty for having them.
3. Loneliness and isolation.
Living in a society that isn’t set up to accommodate people with disabilities can be isolating, both for disabled kids and for their parents. Your child may not be able to engage in spontaneous outings like other kids or adjust to certain environments, and you may struggle to find time for socialization due to your child’s many appointments and the extra work involved in caring for him. Likewise, even if your child is able to make it to gatherings, being surrounded by “normal” kids and their parents can feel alienating. These challenges often create feelings of deep loneliness, especially for parents who are unable to build a solid support network in their area.
4. Stress and anxiety.
Even in countries with publicly-funded health care, raising a disabled child often comes with additional financial pressure. Your child will probably require assessments and treatments that aren’t covered by government programs, and the extra time needed to care for a disabled child can impact parents’ earning power. For families with limited means, these additional costs can create a great deal of chronic stress. You may also experience significant anxiety about how your child will cope (financially, physically, and emotionally) when you’re no longer around to help them.
In addition to dealing with these concerns, parents of disabled children worry about how their child’s disability will impact the rest of their family. They sometimes don’t know how they’ll give all of their children enough attention while meeting their disabled child’s special needs, and they may feel like they’re neglecting their relationship and friendships.
5. Guilt.
Many parents of special needs kids blame themselves for their child’s condition or feel like they should have had their child diagnosed earlier in life. Mothers often wonder if they did something “wrong” during pregnancy (or when their child was a baby) that caused their child’s difficulties. Mothers and fathers alike may feel ashamed for “missing” the signs that their child was different when he was an infant or toddler. Both parents usually think they should be doing more, or doing something differently, to better support and care for their child.
How to Manage Difficult Feelings
The first step to dealing with negative emotions is acknowledging them: Don’t minimize your feelings, even if you think you’re overreacting to something small, like your child not being able to attend a party due to his disability. Sometimes, apparently minor events can trigger underlying feelings of guilt, anxiety, grief, or resentment because they remind you of the magnitude of your child’s challenges. When this happens, take a moment to recognize, label, and accept your feelings (without judging yourself).
Once you’ve processed your feelings, remind yourself that you’re not alone, even if you feel isolated at that moment. There are many other parents who share the experience of raising a child with special needs, and their insights can provide you with practical strategies and coping tools. If possible, reach out to other parents who know what you’re going through, either in your local community or online.
Finally, know that working with a therapist who has experience helping families affected by disability can be profoundly beneficial. In therapy, you can voice your innermost feelings without fear of judgement, learn healthy ways to manage them, and find additional resources for you and your child.
