Whether your child is coping with a physical, intellectual, or psychological difference, talking about his (or her) disability is important. Your child will naturally look to you for insight and support as he navigates the world, so you’ll need to be prepared to act as his guide, even if you don’t have a disability yourself. Knowing how to talk about disability in a way that’s knowledgeable, empowering, and empathetic is essential to helping your child form a positive self-image.
7 Strategies to Use When Discussing Your Child’s Disability
1. Don’t avoid the subject of disability.
Sometimes, parents worry that broaching the subject of disability will cause their child to feel bad or assume he can’t succeed. They also don’t want their child to feel alienated from his peers because he’s “different.” Over the long term, however, glossing over your child’s disability will do more harm than good. When a child doesn’t understand why he has the limitations he does, he’s more apt to assume that there’s something wrong with him as a person. Furthermore, your child will probably pick up on your hesitancy when the topic of disability is brought up. This sense of secrecy can lead him to believe that you’re deeply troubled by his disability or ashamed of him.
Take the time to educate your child about his disability while keeping the tone of your conversations positive. For example, if your child has autism, you should explain to him that he might face social challenges, but he’ll probably excel in areas that require logical thinking. If your child understands that he’s capable and has something unique to offer the world, he’ll be much less likely to judge himself negatively.
2. Be factual when talking about your child’s disability.
When parents express anxiety or sadness over their child’s disability, their child is apt to take on those same feelings. This is true even when parents express sadness in a sympathetic way. It’s therefore generally a good idea to stick to the facts when discussing your child’s disability. This will allow him to explore his own feelings about the matter, instead of being influenced by your emotions. Researching the science behind your child’s disability and conveying what you’ve learned can help you keep these conversations objective and informative.
3. Use age-appropriate language when educating your child.
Children tend to get overwhelmed when presented with complex information that they’re not yet old enough to understand. When answering your child’s questions about his condition, you should therefore do your best to be honest while delivering details in bite-sized chunks. Give your child time to process new information before elaborating further, too. When your child is ready to learn more, he’ll ask more questions.
4. As your child gets older, periodically remind him that it’s okay to talk to you.
Young children generally aren’t self-conscious when it comes to asking questions. They’ll happily ask as many as they want to, or ask the same question repeatedly until they understand the answer to their satisfaction. As kids approach adolescence, however, this usually changes. Preteens and teens often second-guess themselves when it comes time to bring up a challenging subject, especially if something intimate is involved (e.g., questions about how their disability might affect their dating life). Adolescents also have a heightened fear of rejection that can cause them to censor themselves. Your teen might become so worried about disappointing you that he avoids asking how his disability might impact his future career plans, for instance.
When your child enters his preteen years, reiterate that you’re always there for him if he needs to talk about how his disability affects his life. Let him know that it’s okay to talk to other people, too, and connect him with outside mentoring and support. Sometimes teens find it easier to open up to people outside the family unit.
5. Make sure your child knows he has a network of people who care about him.
When your child is struggling, don’t minimize his concerns, as doing so will invalidate his feelings. Instead, acknowledge his emotions, then gently remind him of all the people who care about him and want to help him succeed, like his doctor, therapist, teachers, relatives, etc.
You should also make sure your child knows that even strangers, like scientists, are making an effort to help him and others with his condition. Discuss the latest advances in treatment for your child’s condition and tell him what breakthroughs researchers are hoping to make in the near future. This will show your child that society values him and wants to assist him in reaching his full potential.
6. Teach your child how to respond to questions about his disability.
Disabled children, especially those with visible disabilities, often face intrusive questions from their peers. Though you should make sure your child understands that he doesn’t “owe” anyone explanations about his disability, it can be helpful to prepare him to answer such questions in a polite but firm way.
Role playing exercises are often particularly helpful in this area: Write down questions your child is likely to face, then come up with a list of potential answers. Provide your child with a copy of the script you develop. Then, sit down with your child and get his permission to ask the questions on the list. Let him practice answering your questions until responding comes naturally to him.
7. Emphasize your child’s strengths.
Don’t let your child’s disability overshadow his innate aptitudes and positive traits. Make sure you regularly converse about all the things your child is good at in order to balance out any necessary conversations about his limitations. Give your child opportunities to put his strengths into action, too. Using specific activities to teach your child about his capabilities will be more effective than simply talking about them. Some children also respond very well to having a role model, i.e., a successful person they can look up to who shares their condition.
As a final note, remember that parents sometimes need to ask questions, too. Having a network of people you trust—like a support group—is therefore a vital part of learning about your child’s condition. Not only is the knowledge of other parents a valuable source of insight, talking to others about your child’s disability can help you feel more confident when discussing the subject with your child. Having access to emotional support from others in a similar situation will also make it easier for you to stay calm when conversing with your child. The stronger your sense of community is, the less likely it becomes that either you or your child will ever feel isolated.
