Understanding Chronic Anger in Children

Dr. Tali Shenfield | November 27, 2020

According to various studies, emotional and behavioural problems among children are far more common than many of us realize. It’s estimated that currently, 17% to 22% of those under 18 struggle with emotional issues severe enough to hinder their development. Out of all of these issues, anger is the most prevalent.

While many children struggle to control their anger at times, kids with anger problems show heightened overall levels of hostility paired with poor problem solving skills. This combination makes it difficult for them to resolve conflicts productively, and as a result, they frequently become alienated from their peers. Moreover, research has shown that young people who lose their temper frequently harbour a great deal of guilt over doing so. This often prompts them to try to justify their anger rather than quell it. It also leads to a state of prolonged upset that may in itself make outbursts more likely. Regardless of how the child or teen handles this cycle, it tends to have a detrimental impact on his (or her) self-esteem.

Why Do Some Children Become Chronically Angry?

There are a number of different factors that can contribute to a child developing anger issues. Some of the most notable of these are as follows:

  • Social skill deficits. Social skill deficits can contribute to aggressive behaviour in a few ways. First and foremost, kids with poor social skills are more likely to be rejected and bullied by their peers. This usually leads to feelings of bitterness and hostility. Secondly, kids with social skill deficits are prone to misinterpreting social situations, which can set off their anger. They are more likely to, for example, misread friendly teasing as an act of aggression and respond accordingly. Finally, kids with inadequate social knowledge may erroneously believe that the way they express anger is justified and healthy because they don’t understand the parameters of acceptable behaviour. (Note that some of these kids, particularly those on the Autism Spectrum, also experience rigid thinking. This can make it difficult for them to adjust their behaviour even when they are told it’s not acceptable.)
  • Social and parental influences. While social skill deficits often result from a secondary condition, such as Autism or ADHD, some kids have poor social skills due to personal or environmental circumstances. Some kids adopt destructive, entitled beliefs because they have been through a traumatic situation, they have been overly indulged or neglected at home, or they have an unusually high or low self-esteem. These children feel like the world “owes” them, and when they don’t get what they want, they become disappointed and therefore angrier. Therapy can help these kids change their harmful belief systems before they become irreversibly entrenched.

Though you should never automatically blame yourself if you have an angry child, it’s important to be aware that parental styles can influence a child’s anger management techniques. Parents who try too hard for their child and give too much—literally trying to meet their child’s every need—give their child a set of unrealistic standards. When that child emerges into the world and discovers that his friends and teachers have certain boundaries, he feels rejected, hurt, and angry. Conversely, parents who give too little (as in, not enough attention and affection) cause their child to feel both unwanted and desperate. Neglected children, like over-indulged children, develop unrealistic needs (in this case, the need for someone or something to fill the void created by a lack of parental care) that the world around them cannot fill. This leads to a deep sense of loss and frustration. These kids vacillate between blaming the world for the unfair treatment they received and blaming themselves, a situation which creates a roller-coaster of unhappy and aggressive feelings.

Children who have to deal with highly critical or abusive parents also develop flawed perceptions: They start to believe that they cannot succeed and are therefore unworthy of having their needs met. Because these kids are usually afraid of their parents, rather than expressing their anger over this situation directly, they project their anger onto their peers and teachers instead. This is both a way of “venting” their anger and a method of dealing with feelings of helplessness (i.e., they assert power over others via aggressive actions). Furthermore, their parents’ aggressive behaviour has shown them that anger is the best tool for getting one’s needs met.

Even in households where child abuse is not present, parental aggression in other forms, such as frequent spousal arguments, can give kids the impression that aggressive behaviour is “normal” and even useful. Furthermore, spousal conflict tends to confuse children, as they identify with both the aggressor and the victim in these situations. Not knowing how to deal with their conflicting feelings of helplessness (which they absorb from the victim) and hostility, they internalize them… Only to later act them out with their peers. This can cause them to engage in bullying and to look down on other children who, in their estimation, are not “tough enough.” They also tend to act out frequently in an attempt to convince themselves they are not in any way weak or vulnerable. This leads to the development of harmful defense mechanisms that further alienate them from their peers.

Inconsistent or overly authoritarian discipline also tends to be present in households where aggression levels are high, and this can further incubate coercive behaviours in children. Children may attempt to bully the less dominant parent into giving them what they want, for instance. They may also deliberately provoke their parents in an attempt to get attention or delay punishment. If this proves to be successful, these kids will use similar tactics when interacting with their friends and teachers. Naturally, doing so makes them appear disruptive and even malicious, even if that isn’t their intent. They’re just trying to get their needs met, but they lack the right vocabulary.

  • Impulse control problems. Children with impulse control problems (another common component of ADHD and Autism) typically have a hard time inhibiting their anger. These kids don’t consciously intend to be cruel to others, they simply lack the self-regulation skills needed to rein in aggressive impulses. Unfortunately, this is difficult for their peers to understand, and these kids frequently end up being socially rejected. This leads to feelings of shame and a poor self-esteem, issues which further hinder the child’s ability to regulate his emotions.

Some children with impulse control problems also experience chronic boredom. This feeling of being under-stimulated can lead to sensation-seeking and risk-taking behaviour. For some kids, this takes the form of engaging in disruptive or even violent actions. (Note that children who exhibit these tendencies should be tested for secondary conditions, such as Oppositional Defiant Disorder.)

Chronic Anger Isn’t Always Obvious

While many children display overt signs of aggression, such as bullying behaviour or acting out in class, this is not always the case. Some chronically angry children internalize their anger instead. (That is, they “bottle up” their negative feelings and refuse to share them with others.) These kids often mean well—they think that by pushing their anger away, they’re doing the right thing. In their minds, they’re doing their best to be good and remain a “nice guy” that their friends and family members can rely on.

Unfortunately, angry feelings don’t just go away; on the contrary, they tend to slowly accumulate. Kids who internalize their anger therefore eventually develop physical or emotional symptoms. They sometimes become bitter, passive-aggressive, and manipulative; alternately, they may become self-destructive. They also frequently manifest their anger as physical complaints, such as headaches or stomach aches, which contributes to higher rates of absenteeism. Over time, these children tend to become more and more withdrawn from their peers, and this compounds their feelings of loneliness and isolation. Internalized anger therefore frequently leads to a state of depression.

How to Help Kids with Chronic Anger

Regardless of what originally caused your child’s chronic anger issues, treatment must begin with helping your child access his core vulnerability. Your child will need to address his feelings of hurt, rejection, and shame in order to let go of the facade of defiance he has been using to protect himself. He will also need to learn how to ask for help from people he trusts, particularly his parents.

Aggressive kids need to be shown that they aren’t “bad” kids. They must be listened to and empathized with and they must be educated about how their underlying issues (whether they’re neurological or emotional in nature) have contributed to their behaviour. They need to realize that what they have done does not make them cruel or weak—that they were just trying to cope with things they could not directly control. Only by getting rid of shame can these children begin to internalize positive messages of love, affirmation, and acceptance.

Defiant children also need to be taught that accepting love will not take away their power. Aggressive children, particularly those who have come from troubled home environments, often believe that being loved will lead to being controlled by others. This misconception can be corrected through the building of trust between the child in question and the adults in his life. Once this core trust has been established, the child will be able to work on accepting kindness from others as well.

Once the core emotional components that drive your child’s outbursts have been addressed, you will need to teach your child better social skills. If he’s struggling to read social situations correctly, he’ll need help in learning to tell the difference between threatening and non-threatening behaviour. If he is prone to lashing out at others or repressing his anger, he will need to be shown effective conflict resolution skills. Kids with impulse control issues also tend to benefit from using deep breathing exercises. Breathing deeply in and out for even a few moments can give these kids enough time to think about how their actions might affect the situation. Finally, don’t forget to give your child a list of ways to get his various needs met without resorting to aggression. It will take time, practice, patience, and encouragement, but most kids can learn new ways to achieve their goals.

Doing all of the above at home is, of course, often difficult—if not outright impossible. As such, it’s strongly recommended that you work with a trained mental health professional when you first begin tackling your child’s aggressive behaviour. A family therapist or child psychologist can give you the tools you need to both guide your child and work on issues like spousal conflict, inconsistent discipline, problematic parenting styles, etc. There’s no need for you and your child to navigate this challenging territory on your own; effective help is available.

About Tali Shenfield

Dr. Tali Shenfield holds a PhD in Psychology from the University of Toronto and is a licensed school and clinical psychologist. She has taught at the University of Toronto and has worked at institutions including the Hospital for Sick Children, Hincks-Dellcrest Centre, TDSB, and YCDSB. Dr. Shenfield is the Founder and Clinical Director of Advanced Psychology Services.

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