As adults, we understand that violence is not permissible under any circumstances. When you see your child hit another child, it’s therefore normal to feel worried, upset, and embarrassed. Many parents are surprised by how strong their emotions become when they witness their child hitting: Even if you know your child is probably just overwhelmed (and unaware of how serious his actions are), you may feel the urge to harshly reprimand him.
Instinctual as this reaction is, it’s one that experts caution against. Though you should intervene and let your child know that hitting is not acceptable, punishing him may actually make the situation worse. Sudden, severe punishments only serve to make kids more fearful, which can fuel their need to lash out at others. Preventing and managing violence in kids requires a calm, thoughtful, and empathetic approach, as outlined below:
6 Ways to Stop Your Child From Hitting
1. Figure out what’s upsetting your child.
Though hitting appears aggressive, most kids who hit are actually afraid. Fear activates the brain’s “fight or flight” response, causing some children to lash out in an attempt to gain control over situations that make them anxious. If you can identify which conditions are causing your child to become fearful, you may be able to prevent hitting before it starts. For example, if you notice that your child becomes aggressive in group situations, you might try staying close to him when he’s interacting with other kids. Your presence may reassure your child and help him stay calm. You can also watch vigilantly for signs that your child is getting scared or frustrated. If your child looks uncomfortable, suggest taking a “time out” before his feelings become uncontrollable.
Employing anxiety reduction strategies throughout your child’s day can also be profoundly helpful. Make sure your child has a predictable, manageable schedule that includes some one-on-one time with you every day. Encourage your child to share his feelings and practice active listening when he does.
Kids who really struggle with strong emotions sometimes benefit from having controlled meltdowns. Allowing your child to vent his frustration via safe physical activity (such as jumping on a bed, hitting a pillow, or kicking a ball) can reduce his need to lash out.
2. When your child does hit, remain calm.
Taking violence seriously is important, but yelling at your child or approaching him aggressively when he hits will only escalate the situation. Instead, remind yourself that your child is acting out because he’s frightened, then calmly position yourself between him and the other child. Take your child’s hand and lead him away from the distressing situation before you discuss his actions. (If no other adult is present, take a moment to comfort the hurt child before stepping back.) Modelling calm behaviour in this manner will help your child relax, too.
3. Help your child make amends.
Once your child has calmed down, ask the hurt child’s caregiver if he may be allowed to apologize. If you’re given permission to do so, kneel down, put your arm around your child, and start the conversation by saying: “We’re both very sorry that John hit you; he got upset and didn’t mean to hurt you. What can we do to help you feel better?”
4. Encourage accountability, but don’t blame your child.
Kids need to know that violence is wrong. However, if your child feels like he’s a “bad” kid, he’ll become wholly preoccupied with anxiety about being bad. He won’t be thinking about how to avoid hitting next time, which increases the likelihood of repeated incidents.
To encourage accountability without blaming your child, explain why hitting isn’t okay without placing any labels on your child (i.e., don’t call him mean, bad, etc.) Keep what you have to say simple and direct; don’t lecture your child. Point out that when we hit, it hurts the other person, and no one likes getting hurt. Then, ask your child what he thinks he could do differently next time. If you make your child a part of the solution, he’ll understand that he can learn from his experiences and overcome problematic habits.
5. Empathize with your child at all times.
Empathizing with someone who’s behaving aggressively is challenging, but doing so will help you stay calm and objective. Take a moment to remember what it’s like to be a young child: Kids are tiny beings navigating a big, intimidating world for the first time, all without the mental or physical capabilities that adults take for granted. Though childhood can be a magical time of life, it can also be terrifying and leave kids feeling overwhelmed, lost, and alone. Sometimes these emotions become too much to handle, causing your child to melt down. It’s not his fault, even if—like all kids—he must gradually learn how to manage his feelings more productively.
Immediately after your child has hit, let him cry or tantrum if he needs to while reassuring him that you’re there for him. Hold your child close (when he’s ready) and offer physical comfort. Your child won’t be able to process a lot of verbal input until he’s calmed down, but he needs to know you still love him.
6. Give your child alternatives.
Kids are less likely to hit if they know there are other ways to manage their anxiety. If your child is having a hard time thinking of alternatives to hitting, suggest other strategies he could use, such as verbally enforcing his boundaries, asking you for help, or walking away from stressful situations.
Most kids naturally grow out of hitting as they learn to use their words instead. However, if your child continues to hit despite your best efforts—or you’re struggling to stay calm when he does hit—know that help is always available. A family therapist can provide valuable counsel and get to the root of your child’s anxiety. Once your child’s fears have been addressed, you’ll both be able to achieve complete peace of mind and put hitting in the past.
