How To Tell Your Child That He Has Autism

Dr. William Chen | January 6, 2018

Parents of children on the autism spectrum often balk at breaking the news of a diagnosis to their son or daughter; after all, while they know that they will always love and accept their autistic child because of, and not in spite of, who he (or she) is, there's no way to be sure that the child will feel the same way. Parents are all too aware of the stigma that comes with being and feeling “different,” and as such, they sometimes mistakenly believe that hiding their child's autism (or Asperger Syndrome) diagnosis may be healthier for him. In reality, however, nothing could be further from the truth: To be comfortable with himself, your child must first learn to know himself.

 

Confronting Misgivings About Revealing Your Child's Diagnosis

Before you talk to your child about his diagnosis, it's imperative that you work through your own fears and misgivings; if you seem anxious or upset when you discuss autism with your child, he's likely to pick up on your emotions and frame the information negatively in his own mind.

Parents frequently fear that their child will not be able to understand his diagnosis (and become angry or depressed as a result). They also worry that their child will shy away from opportunities he would otherwise embrace after learning about his condition, or that he might start to use his condition as an “excuse” to avoid doing things that are challenging for him, but ultimately necessary.

While it's true that one or more of these issues may arise at some point, with patient and compassionate parenting, they can invariably be resolved. Likewise, it's important to remember that most children - autistic and neurotypical alike - will bump into similar hurdles during their developmental years. What child has not worried that he is “different” from time to time, or limited himself in some way, or tried to find excuses to avoid difficult situations? Informing your child of his diagnosis and educating him about what it means will not make him more prone to encountering these natural stumbling blocks; on the contrary, giving him the information he needs to find solutions that work with his unique way of thinking, feeling, and perceiving, will make him more willing and able to move past them.

Even a cursory glance through the stories of those who remained unaware of their autism into adulthood shows that ignorance is anything but bliss: Parents who are unsure as to whether or not they should inform their child of his diagnosis often change their minds immediately upon being confronted with tales of autistic children being bullied for being socially awkward, “stupid,” etc. (all without ever knowing why they couldn't simply “grow out of it” and become like the other children). It is these children - those who are kept in the dark about their diagnosis - who most frequently assume that there is something inherently “wrong” with them and become frustrated and depressed as a result.

There's also the logistics of treatment to consider: Many autistic children benefit from the aid of doctors, mental health professionals, educational coaches, etc. How will you explain to your child why he must work with all of these people without revealing his diagnosis?

If you're worried about how to handle breaking the news, remember that you don't have to tackle the task all by yourself: Talk to your child's therapist, other parents of children on the autism spectrum, adults on the spectrum, and/or friends or relatives you trust and who know your child well. If you truly don't feel comfortable telling your child about his diagnosis, having a trained mental health professional start the conversation on your behalf is probably your best option. (You may also wish to ask your chosen mental health professional to provide a workbook to guide you and your child through the process of revealing, accepting, and understanding an autism diagnosis.)

 

Choosing When To Tell Your Child About His Diagnosis

Today, thanks to advances in our understanding of autism spectrum disorders, many autistic children are diagnosed at a young age, leaving parents with the task of deciding when their child is old enough to be told about his condition. There is no single right answer to this question, however; children on the spectrum develop at different rates and while one child may have the social awareness and maturity needed to process what an autism diagnosis means by age five or six, another might not be “ready” until he is eight or ten. Usually, knowing your child well and monitoring his overall developmental progress will provide you with the insight you need to choose the right time to reveal his diagnosis. (Some signs that your child is ready to hear about his diagnosis include asking why he feels or seems so “different” to his peers, or voicing thoughts about how “different” or strange other people seem to him.)

If your child is not diagnosed until he is older, choosing when to tell him ought to depend on his overall emotional state: If he is struggling with depression and low self-esteem as a result of prior bullying and other bad experiences, you may wish to wait until his emotional state has been improved by professional intervention. If, on the other hand, your child has received a prior diagnosis of some kind (children with autism are often first diagnosed as having an Attention Deficit Disorder, Conduct Disorder, or other mental illness) and is therefore comfortable with the concept, he may be ready to hear about his autism diagnosis right away (and be grateful for the added clarity it provides). Once again, observing your child and understanding his current needs and feelings is key to selecting the right time to reveal his diagnosis.

 

How To Explain the Diagnosis To Your Child

The primary rule to remember when revealing your child's autism diagnosis is to stay positive. There is absolutely no need for the news to come across as ominous, worrying, or disappointing, and to convey it as such may do irreparable damage to your child's self-esteem. Remember that we are living in a society where the concept of neurodiversity is gaining considerable momentum, so introducing your child's diagnosis as a natural variation in the human mind - one that is to be embraced and understood - is often the best way to go forward. You may wish to begin the conversation by highlighting your child's positive traits, e.g., “Have you ever noticed how much more analytical and organized you are than most of your classmates?” Likewise, before you reveal your child's diagnosis, it's a good idea to establish the concept that differences between people are normal, acceptable, and beneficial; for example, you may point out that while you are good at math and your spouse is not, he (or she) is much better at writing or working with people, and when you both work together, these different skill prove to be highly complementary.

Remember not to inundate your child with information about autism immediately after you reveal his diagnosis; give him some time to process his new descriptor and come to terms with it before you go into greater detail. (Generally, it's a good idea to wait for your child to ask for more information; some children may express a keen interest right away, while others will need to adjust very slowly to their diagnoses.) Additionally, you should be sure to emphasize to your child that no two people with autism are exactly the same, so how he experiences autism will be something that is unique and personal to him.

Because many children on the autism spectrum are more comfortable with text-based expression than they are with verbal communication, recommending books written by children or adults with autism may provide an excellent way to continue the conversation about autism without overwhelming your child. Let your child read material that is appropriate for his age and reading level and then either gently prompt him to share his thoughts and opinions or wait for him to voluntarily do so. Even if your child doesn't say a great deal about what he reads, you can rest assured that he will feel less alone with his diagnosis after reading the personal accounts of others with autism.

As your child's comfort level progresses, you may also wish to consider introducing him to others on the autism spectrum. Interacting with others on the autism spectrum can help your child to feel less “different” and gain a better overall understanding of his condition. Your child's school may have a group or club for children on the autism spectrum, but if not, you can look for groups within your local area and/or summer camps aimed at those who have autism. If your child is not comfortable with much face-to-face interaction, the internet may prove to be an invaluable resource for finding and connecting with other autistic young people.

 

Going Forward With An Autism Diagnosis

The process of coming to terms with a diagnosis of autism often takes months, and understanding its effects on a deep individual level may take decades. As a parent, you must therefore remain patient, compassionate, and available for your child. Keep abreast of the latest developments in autism research, proactively steer your child in a positive direction when he's struggling with his condition, and seek out support for not only your child, but for yourself as well. Though autism can be a challenging condition to manage at times, as your child grows and develops, you will be amazed to discover the intensely unique individual that he is.

 

About Dr. William Chen

Dr. William Chen is a psychotherapist working with children and adolescents on Autism Spectrum. Dr. Chen works in private practice and volunteers as a Program Manager at the Durham Region Autism Services.

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