The word “spoiled” has been used so extensively that its meaning seems, for many parents, hopelessly vague and indefinite. The concept is blurred both by generational differences and by the fact that the term “spoiled” can also have positive connotations—it's often associated with being indulged at Christmas and on birthdays, for instance, or with the attention of doting relatives.
What, then, do we really mean when we call a child “spoiled” as a form of reprimand? We're not really decrying how many toys the child has, usually, or his or her access to modern technology and conveniences; rather, we're frustrated that somehow, the child has become so unmanageable that he or she seems to be in control, rather than the parent. However, not being sure of how or why this role reversal has occurred, we resort to blurting out the catch-all term of “spoiled”. This, of course, merely labels the child, and does nothing to address the behaviour.
Understanding the Causes of “Spoiled” Behaviour
While occasionally indulging children is harmless, some parents make a habit of it, and this is invariably destructive. Usually, these parents begin with the best of intentions; they have a hard time saying “no” to their young ones, setting limits and establishing boundaries, because they adore their children so much that doing so is understandably difficult. Likewise, parents are human, too, and may cave in to their child's demands due to sheer exhaustion if they are not taking enough time away from the many stresses of work, housekeeping, and parenting to rejuvenate themselves.
If such leeway is given too often, it becomes the beginning of a slippery slope; children naturally seek to test boundaries (it's part of how they learn), so when a boundary is pushed back, rather than being satisfied, the child is driven to test it again and see if he can push it back a bit more (and more after that, until finally he winds up in control). This is not due to malicious intent on his part, and he usually has no overarching plan; he is simply obeying the natural reflex of his own curiosity.
Parents all too often take this behaviour personally; they mistake indulging their children for loving their children, so the resultant bad behaviour is interpreted as selfish and ungrateful, hence the assignment of the term “spoiled”.
The above mistake is easier to make than many of us realize; even if you are aware that giving a child material things is not love, it's still possible to spoil your child. We live in an era when a great deal of emphasis is placed on making each child feel unique and special, and in which the long-term damage harsh words (or an unstable or angry environment) can do to a child is well known; as such, many concerned parents fall into the practice of emotionally indulging their children rather than doing so materially.
Emotional indulgence should not be confused with unconditional love and acceptance (which, indeed, all children do deserve); emotional indulgence is not the act of loving one's children, but rather the habit of trying to shelter them from negative emotions to such a degree that children are permitted to test boundaries far beyond reasonable limits.
There's no reason to be afraid of punishing your child so long as you know how to do so calmly, firmly, and effectively. Fair and proper reprimands do not damage children; they are a valuable tool for instilling the social skills he or she will need in later life. Yes, your child will experience pain, sadness, anger, and frustration at not getting his or her own way—but it's better that he or she gets used to these emotions within the safety of the home environment at a young age, rather than experiencing them as an adult (one who is completely ill-equipped to deal with the realities around him or her). Too, learning consequence early in life has been shown to engender lifelong attitudes of accountability, responsibility, and compassion.
Dealing With Spoiled Behaviour—Without Harming Your Child
Too frequently, parents who spoil their children wind up swinging wildly on an emotional pendulum: They indulge their children so much that the children become intolerable; parents' resentment then builds until they explode at their children, and of course, guilt follows—resulting in yet another episode of indulgence, this time as a form of apology.
This is far more confusing and harmful to children than simply taking the time to logically and calmly establish limits and boundaries. Indeed, children thrive on stability and consistency, so maintaining said limits and boundaries (most of the time) is one of the healthiest things you can do for your child.
If you're struggling with a child who is growing “spoiled” and do not know how to set them on the right course again without incurring some form of emotional harm, try the approaches outlined below—you will be amazed at how fast order can be re-established:
- If your child is acting out, let him sit with his emotions—but validate them first. While it's important to let your child know that his upset is recognized and cared about, there's no need to let that be the impetus to cave in to his demands. Instead, when a child is throwing a fit due to having to respect a reasonable limit or boundary, simply say, “I understand that you're very upset right now, but I won't talk about this anymore until you're willing to talk to me normally rather than crying and shouting at me,” and then give the child a “time out” so that he can calm down on his own. This acknowledges the child without escalating the situation or breaching any boundaries.
- Remain firm and consistent—even when it's a hassle. When your child acts out frequently, it feels much easier to simply do things for her rather than fight with her to get her to do them. However, taking the path of least resistance ensures that you will be doing these tasks (e.g. picking up toys for her, doing her chores when she refuses) for years on end, while she comfortably sits in front of the television or does whatever else she wishes to do.
In the end, it's actually less work to weather a few tantrums and stand firm, keeping limits, boundaries, and expectations crystal clear and consistent until they become an accepted fact of life. Your child will be happier in the long run, too; limits, boundaries, and stability make children feel safe and protected. An unpredictable world—even an indulgent unpredictable world—is always more frightening than a predictable one. Likewise, rules result in a calmer house overall, one where parents are less likely to lash out in frustration.
- Don't give too much materially. Though material spoiling is not the only form of spoiling a child, it's still an important facet of the equation in many households as we live in a culture which actively pushes the acquisition of “stuff”.
Remember, your child does not “need” the latest toy, gadget, or fashion, no matter how convincing his arguments may seem, and saying “no” where appropriate will help to save him from mindlessly conforming to the materialism that is now so prevalent.
To avoid endless arguments, give your child a set weekly allowance (to be paid only if he does his chores); the child will then be responsible for attaining his own wants through careful budgeting—an excellent habit to start early in life.
While it takes a great deal of discipline and effort to avoid spoiling your children, it's one of the greatest gifts you can give them; through setting clear rules and expectations, you both ensure that they feel secure and prepare them to deal with the adult world in a rational, responsible manner. You will also help to create a home environment that is calm, functional, and loving—an environment wherein your own needs may also be met.
