As kids grow up, they move from a state of complete dependence to one of independence. Clinginess in young children therefore doesn’t come as a surprise to most parents: Kids rely on their parents for support and safety, so it’s normal for them to become anxious at the prospect of separation. If your child seems significantly more clingy than his siblings or his same-age peers, however, you might find yourself wondering if there’s a deeper problem.
In most cases, separation anxiety isn’t anything to be concerned about (unless it lasts into preadolescence). Still, how you approach and manage your child’s behaviour will shape how he sees himself and his relationships with others. Understanding why kids get clingy and knowing how to help them achieve healthy independence is a key component of successful parenting.
What is Clingy Behaviour?
Children are generally referred to as being “clingy” when they want to be with one or both parents most of the time. Kids with this form of separation anxiety exhibit strong displeasure at the idea of being away from their parents. They might cry, throw tantrums, or physically cling to their preferred caregiver when he or she wants to leave the house alone. In some cases, clingy kids get upset when their parents are in a different room (this behaviour is more common in infants and toddlers).
Clinginess is often a normal part of development: From the age of about seven months to 24 months, most children go through what’s known as an “attachment phase.” As babies start to crawl and walk, they treat their parents like a secure base. They know it’s safe to explore the world around them as long as mom or dad is nearby, so they naturally want to be close to their parents at all times.
Though separation anxiety is more common in toddlers, clingy behaviour is not always limited to the early stages of development. Separation anxiety can also occur in school-aged children, even if they haven’t exhibited clingy behaviour before.
Why Do Kids Become Clingy?
Clingy children often have an especially strong attachment to their parents, which can be a very positive asset. Kids who are deeply bonded to their parents tend to have a higher self-esteem, perform better at school, and experience a lower incidence of risk-taking behaviour. Clinginess can, ironically, also be a sign of strong-willed independence. Toddlers who have a solid sense of self are more likely to assert their likes and dislikes. As such, they have the confidence to express how much they dislike being removed from their parents’ company. These kids aren’t really scared that their parents will abandon them; they’re just vocal about wanting them around.
Though clinginess doesn’t always indicate that a child is insecure, parents should be aware that separation anxiety can be a sign of social anxiety in toddlers (i.e., the child doesn’t feel comfortable around strangers). In older children, clinginess often arises in response to stress. Kids may become clingy when they’re going through a major life change, such as attending school for the first time, experiencing the arrival of a sibling, or moving to a new home. Usually, this separation anxiety abates naturally as the child adjusts to his new situation.
Other factors that may influence a child’s predisposition toward clinginess include:
- Temperament. Introverted kids and sensitive, emotional kids are more likely to react strongly to temporary separation.
- Environment. Children who live in high-conflict homes experience heightened levels of anxiety, which may result in clinginess. Even in homes where conflict isn’t an issue, kids can become anxious about separation when they pick up that their parents are stressed. If you’re going through a challenging period at work, for example, your child might hover by your side more than usual.
How to Help a Clingy Child Become More Independent
Clingy kids, like all children, need parental support. If you’re parenting a clingy child, don’t force him to navigate situations independently when he doesn’t feel safe enough to do so. Instead, help your child get used to new situations slowly. If your child is anxious about starting school, for example, you should start by discussing the situation with him. Let him ask questions about school until he’s satisfied that he understands all of the variables involved. Then, you should come up with a plan: You might start by visiting the school with him regularly in the weeks leading up to his first day. During his first day at school, you could offer to stay somewhere nearby. That way, your child will know you’re not far away if he needs you. Permitting kids to take “baby steps” in this manner can be very helpful if their clingy behaviour is related to anxiety.
Validating your child’s emotions is also vitally important: When your child expresses his feelings of attachment, don’t dismiss them or attempt to talk him out of feeling the way he does. Minimizing your child’s feelings will make him question himself, which will only fuel any insecurities he has. Acknowledging your child’s feelings and letting him know they’re acceptable, on the other hand, will help him process and release his emotions. Once your child gets to the root of why he feels the way he does, he’ll probably slowly gain control over his strong emotions.
As a parent, you’ll also need to serve as your child’s role model for how to handle unfamiliar and intimidating situations. Stay calm when you enter a new environment, such as a new school, with your child. Don’t affirm his anxiety with your own stress or anxiety. You should take a moment to assure your child that you’re confident in his ability to manage the situation, too.
Most clingy children gradually overcome their feelings of separation anxiety when they’re provided with guidance and accommodation. Clinginess is usually only considered a problem when anxiety management techniques fail, or when a child’s clingy behaviour is so extreme that it prevents him from engaging in age-appropriate activities, like attending school. If your child’s separation anxiety interferes with his ability to live a normal life for longer than a few weeks, you should consider talking to a mental health professional. A family therapist can help your child process his difficult emotions and identify any deeper issues that may be present. With the right behaviour modification strategies, most kids can achieve healthy independence by adolescence.
