Highly intelligent children are delightful in a great many ways, but they can also be extremely challenging to raise. As a parent to a gifted child, one is on the receiving end of not only intense curiosity, emotions, and occasional defiance, but also the side-effects of an above-average child struggling to fit in at school and within society as a whole.
No matter how intelligent a child is, he or she still needs strong boundaries and a sense of consistency and routine in order to feel secure; indeed, gifted children often need especially clear parameters in which to function.
As a parent to a gifted child, it's your role to both establish these needed boundaries and to ensure the child has the freedom to challenge him or herself—a balance that is not always easy to achieve. The “Dos” and “Don'ts” listed below have been developed with the intention of giving the parents of gifted children a starting point for achieving this balance:
1. Do remember who the child is, and who the adult is.
It's important to always keep in mind that gifted children are still children; bright as they may be, they have not yet developed the emotional maturity or decision-making skills of an adult, as they lack the requisite experience. As such, gifted children should not be granted the power to make all of their own decisions regarding the right kind of schooling or activities for them to engage in; parents should respect and value their input, of course, but not allow parental authority to be undermined. Gifted and talented children already have a tendency to put a lot of pressure on themselves—if they do not have confidence in the adults in their lives, they will feel an even greater burden.
Parental authority should not be viewed as a bad thing, or as a form of punishment; while it may not always be easy to enforce, it keeps children feeling safe, protected, and cared for when enacted properly.
2. Do ensure there is plentiful intellectual challenge in the child's life, starting from an early age.
If gifted children are not adequately challenged when young, they get used to underachieving in the early grades of school, to everything being “easy”. This leaves them ill-equipped to deal with challenges later in childhood, leading to anxiety and perfectionism when they are finally faced with tasks which are not as simple as what they are used to.
To prevent such issues from arising, make sure that the child has the opportunity to overcome real hurdles, to experience some frustration and the need to work hard at assignments in order to complete them. It's ideal if this can occur within a school setting, but if you find it impossible to get the school on board in this endeavour, try to set up meaningful intellectual challenges within the home.
3. Don't over-schedule the child, however.
Challenge is positive, overwhelming a child with obligations is not. Show the child a range of engaging activities and let him or her experiment with them, discovering hidden talents and passions, and then provide guidance in these pursuits, rather than pushing the child so hard that he or she has little time to actually enjoy these experiences. Down time is an essential part of an intellectual individual's life, a respite in which to process information and meditate on new ideas.
As it can prove difficult for a child to engage in meaningful activities after a long, draining day at school, gifted children often benefit a great deal from home schooling, as it provides a more flexible environment wherein they can meld extra-curricular activities with their studies. As gifted children work quickly, this balance is often ideal for them, and it is sometimes more easily achieved via home schooling than by trying to arrange for tutoring on school premises (especially as some areas allow for part-time home schooling; research your particular region online to get a feel for what is permitted).
4. Don’t put too much emphasis on your child’s strengths or weaknesses.
The learning process is one of exploration, not judgement; while it's valuable to tell the gifted student which skills and knowledge will be important for what he or she is trying to achieve (and to instill the skills and knowledge needed for a successful adult life), don't encourage the child to strive for perfection. The idea that grades are not everything, that just trying one's best is good enough, is ultimately more helpful and rewarding to the child. Let him work at his own pace, within reason, and reward him for what he can do, rather than focusing on what he cannot.
5. Do give plentiful praise.
As indicated by the above point, gifted children need just as much affirmation and recognition as other children, particularly from people they respect. Rather than just looking for success, take the time to notice when your child has put a great deal of effort into something, and praise that effort regardless of the outcome.
6. Don't compare your child to other children.
It's natural to be proud of having a gifted and talented child, and to occasionally want to hold him or her up as an example to other children, something to emulate. This is seldom good for the child, however; gifted children already struggle with feeling “different” from their peers. If the child begins to feel like a “freak” or otherwise alienated, he or she may tone down her skills and talents so as to fit in.
7. Do teach the child how to schedule, prioritize, and know when to take a break.
Gifted children have so many interests and passions that even if a parent does not over-schedule them, they can easily overwhelm themselves if left to their own devices—especially as they begin to take pride in their ability to get much more done than other children typically do. Add this phenomenon to a tendency to push for perfection, and the gifted child can easily get in over his or her head, unable to show “imperfection” by dropping commitments and obligations, even when it's necessary for the child's mental health.
It's vital to show the child the difference between when he or she is doing something purely for his or her own fulfilment, and when it's become something done more to compete with others, or maintain a certain image.
8. Do fully inform your child about his or her giftedness.
Don't withhold information about the child's IQ or overall ability level; it will not help the child to feel or be “normal” in any way, it will only deprive the child of self-knowledge. He is going to realize that there is a difference between himself and others, and not knowing why that difference exists is far more troubling and confusing than having information at hand to explain it—the fear of the unknown is one of the most potent fears there is.
Gifted children who know they are gifted will not necessarily become egotistical as a result of this knowledge; it may be a springboard for the child to develop greater compassion for other children who are “different” in some way, or to become motivated to use his or her gifts for the betterment of society.
Begin by giving the child basic information when young, and add more detail as he or she grows up.
9. Do remember to have fun.
Gifted children are naturally focused and intense; try to inject some levity into their lives and make sure they get time to just “be a kid”. Attempt to access the child's sense of humour when she is getting too serious for her own good—gifted children often possess an excellent capacity for humour, and this provides a wonderful way to bond with your child.
Author: Rachel Cohen
This is a guest post by Toronto psychotherapist Rachel Cohen. Rachel is very knowledgeable in giftedness, after completing her Master's Degree in Psychology at the University of Nevada, she worked for 3 years at the Davidson Academy for Gifted Children. You can follow Rachel on Twitter at @RachiieCohen
Article reviewed by Dr. Tali Shenfield on September 25, 2015
Image Credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/mariagraziamontagnari/14395139106/
