Parenting would almost certainly be a simpler job if it came with a standardized book of child-appropriate rules and boundaries. If this were the case, parents would no longer have to hear the familiar outcry of “It's not fair! Everyone else is allowed to...” whenever they tried to establish a curfew, set limits for acceptable media, etc. After all, though parents know that boundaries are essential, both for moral guidance and for a sense of household order and safety, they're still human - and it's easy for them to fall prey to self-doubt when they're accused of being tyrannical and unfair. Many parents therefore frequently question their own judgement when administering rules: When is it right to stand firm, and when does a rule become needlessly harsh or suffocating?
Navigating The Jungle: How To Create Ethical, Effective Rules
There's no perfect system for assessing each and every household rule (as fairness will always be a somewhat subjective and murky area), but there are some general guidelines parents can use to make sure that the limits and boundaries they have set are suitable:
- Your rules should reflect your values. Write down a list of the values that are important to you: What traits and habits do you most wish to instill in your children? A sense of family harmony, empathy, fairness, etc.? Make sure that your rules—and your own behaviours—reflect these values. This will ensure that you have a strong and steadfast moral foundation to fall back on when your child begins to question the merit of your rules or accuse you of being a bad parent.
- Be clear and specific when setting limits. Make sure that you child knows exactly what will happen if he or she violates a rule; if consequences are clear and agreed on from the outset, your child will find them much harder to argue against. Likewise, you should discuss the benefits of adhering to the limits and boundaries you set. Talk about why a rule makes sense (e.g., it will help your child to stay safe) and discuss the privileges your child will be granted if he or she sticks to the rules (for example, continued access to the TV or driving privileges). Be open to revisiting your household rules as your child gets older; setting less strict boundaries as time goes on will be necessary to allow your child to grow into an autonomous adult.
- Monitor the effectiveness of your rules. Consequences only work if they actually matter to your child. If, for instance, your child isn't that attached to using the TV and prefers to read instead, providing television access is likely to be an ineffective incentive to adhere to the rules. After implementing a new rule, you should therefore always follow up on it by watching how your child does (or does not) change his or her behaviour. A lack of behavioural alteration doesn't mean that the situation is hopeless (and it certainly doesn't mean that you need to demonstrate overt anger to get your child to listen); instead, it usually indicates that a more effective disciplinary strategy is needed. Give the matter some time, however, before you adjust your plans; children often need weeks or even months to fully adjust to behaving differently.
- Don't take things personally. Though words can and do hurt, it's important not to internalize what your child says or does. Not only does showing obvious hurt let your child know that he or she is getting somewhere by acting out, it takes the focus off why the rule was set in the first place: To prevent your child from doings things that are counterproductive and therefore hurt him or her as much as anyone else. If you feel that anger or upset is getting the better of you, simply call a “time out” and discuss the matter when you have calmed down.
In the same vein, remember that you should not expect your child to validate your choice of rules; discuss them fairly and get your child's input, but don't expect your child to be grateful when you enforce them. If you need feedback on whether or not your rules are appropriate, talk to another adult.
- Make sure consequences have age-appropriate time limits. Going without a much-loved privilege for a week may feel like an eternity of deprivation to a six-year-old, but it's unlikely to matter that much to a teenager. As your child gets older, consequences often either need to become more meaningful or have longer time-frames attached to them and incentives should be used more freely. For example, if your teen wants to earn a highly-coveted privilege like the use of the family car, he or she should be asked to prove his or her maturity by adhering to various house rules.
- Be calm and consistent. In addition to avoiding overt displays of anger and the urge to “up the ante” by threatening unrealistic consequences, you should make sure to not turn a blind eye to your child's misbehaviour. Though it can be tempting to do so when you're tired and the misbehaviour isn't severe, children who are given an inch are often tempted to take a mile. (Be aware that this isn't intentional; the brains of children are wired to test limits and explore the boundaries of the world around them.)
- Make limits a part of life early on. Rather than accepting the idea that toddlers are inherently unruly, start setting age-appropriate limits as soon as your child is old enough to understand the concept. The older your child gets, the more he or she will have a natural and instinctual desire to push back against rules and seek personal freedom; establishing basic limits is therefore easier to accomplish while a child is still in the “attachment” phase of development.
Though disciplining a child can be challenging and emotionally draining, it's essential to remember that ultimately, your child will be better off as a result of having clear boundaries. No matter how much your child may argue against the concept, at the end of the day, your household rules are keeping your child safe and helping him or her to grow.
