Over the last 50 years, aggressive behaviour has become more prevalent among children and adolescents of both genders. This change has occurred alongside other issues, like increased anxiety and greater problems with attention and organization, that leave many children in a perpetually reactive, high-stress state. Without adequate healthy coping skills, kids dealing with these challenges sometimes use fighting to discharge the tension they feel and regain a sense of personal power.
If your child is often verbally or physically aggressive with others, you probably feel frustrated and concerned about what your child’s behavioural issues mean for his future. Nonetheless, you should resist the urge to punish your child severely in an effort to make him curtail his destructive tendencies. If your child hasn’t responded to your current parenting techniques, he probably won’t change his behaviour if you escalate the threat of consequences. In fact, doing so may increase your child’s need to assert himself. To help your child learn new and better coping mechanisms, you’ll need to understand why he fights and help him gradually modify the way he perceives and responds to challenging situations.
Why are Some Children Prone to Aggression?
Aggression in children is often associated with poor problem-solving skills. For this reason, children with learning disabilities and developmental disorders are especially susceptible to becoming aggressive if they feel frustrated or threatened. These kids should be provided with regular therapy and a supportive learning environment to help them moderate their behaviour and develop the skills they need to thrive.
In children without learning disabilities, aggression issues often stem from poor emotional regulation. Most chronically aggressive kids haven’t learned how to control their impulses, take accountability for their behaviour, or find productive ways to ensure their needs are met. As a result, they lash out to release their negative feelings and to accomplish their objectives. These children can often be guided toward more productive behaviour at home through using the strategies outlined below:
6 Ways to Prevent and Manage Aggressive Behaviour in Children
1. Let your child calm down before you discuss his behaviour.
In the moments after getting into a fight, your child is still experiencing a surge of adrenaline, along with painful emotions like shame and rejection. Before he can work through the situation, he’ll need time to calm down and come to terms with these difficult feelings.
If your child has had a fight at school, a friend’s house, or the playground, don’t bring the matter up as soon as he returns home. Instead, give him at least ten minutes to gradually transition back into the home environment. Allowing your child a bit of space to relax in a safe, familiar setting will prepare him to talk rationally about the issues at hand.
2. Use direct, straightforward language when reviewing the situation.
Though it’s normal to feel angry when your child hurts someone else, you can’t let your frustration affect the way you communicate with him. Don’t begin discussing your child’s actions by blaming him or trying to trick him into admitting he did something wrong (i.e., don’t say something like, “Is there anything you want to talk about?”). Remember: Your child is already very anxious and upset about what he did, and guessing games will only make him more nervous.
When you talk to your child, keep your tone even and direct, and stick to the basic facts of what happened. For example, you might say, “Tom’s parents called and said you had a fight today; I’m sorry to hear that. Would you like to tell me what happened?”
3. Listen attentively and hear your child out.
When your child confides in you about what led to the altercation he was involved in, you should listen to him patiently. Let him tell his side of the story without interrupting him, even if you suspect that his perception of events isn’t entirely accurate. In order to figure out what drives your child’s aggressive behaviour, you’ll need an accurate understanding of his point of view, including his biases. Letting your child vent will also help him discharge some of the frustration that caused him to lash out in the first place.
If your child is having a hard time opening up about what occurred, try asking non-judgmental, open-ended questions to keep the conversation going. Some useful questions include, “Can you tell me more about that?”, “What happened next?” and, “How did that make you feel?”
4. Consider your child’s motivations - not just his feelings.
While validating your child’s emotions is important, if you’re parenting a chronically aggressive child, you’ll need to employ more advanced techniques to correct his behaviour. Simply asking your child what feelings caused him to lash out may allow him to make excuses for his actions, rather than reflecting on them more deeply. For example, if you accept your child’s explanation that he hit his sibling out of anger, you inadvertently affirm the idea that hitting is an acceptable response to anger. If, on the other hand, you ask him what he hoped to achieve by hitting his sibling, you can get to the root of his true motivations.
Once you know what motivated your child to lash out, you can suggest different methods for reaching his goals. Your child might say, “I hit my sister because she took the TV remote and wouldn’t give it back,” for instance, at which point you can suggest asking for help next time instead of using violence. This more structured, practical approach encourages kids to change their behaviour by learning better ways to solve their problems.
5. Use consequences that encourage learning and reflection.
Children who are infrequently aggressive don’t necessarily require punishment to change their behaviour. For these kids, a thorough, thoughtful discussion (one that covers what went wrong, why it went wrong, and how to cope better next time) is often enough to steer them in the right direction.
Kids who get into fights repeatedly, by contrast, often need consequences that are designed to help them slow down and think through their actions. Examples of effective consequences include asking your child to sit down and write out ten examples of ways he could handle his frustration better in the future, or asking him to develop a detailed plan to make amends to the child he hurt. Removing distractions, like electronic devices, can also encourage kids to sit down and reflect on their choices. (Note that if your child is suspended from school for fighting, you should remove his preferred devices from the house each day to make sure he doesn’t have access to them. You can store them in your car’s trunk or another safe place until you return home.)
6. When your children fight with one another, give them equal consequences.
Dealing with quarreling siblings can be especially challenging because it’s often virtually impossible to know which child is telling the truth about what happened. Rather than engaging in unproductive discussions about which child started the fight, it’s better to establish a rule where any child who hits or insults another child in your home will face the same basic consequences.
When your children fight, listen calmly to each child’s take on the situation, then ask both children to go to their rooms for a time out. Have both children complete a learning exercise, like writing out at least three ways to resolve the issue better next time, or writing out a sincere apology.
You should also take some time to sit with your children individually and review what happened, while focusing on each child’s positive attributes and prior successes. E.g., you might say something like, “You’re usually very patient with your brother when he interrupts you. What was different about today that you ended up yelling at him?” By emphasizing your child’s good character, you’ll limit the amount of shame he feels. Reminding him what he’s done well in the past will also give him insight into his strengths, which he can then use to devise better ways to handle his emotions.
Changing aggressive behaviour can be a slow and challenging process, so your children may need to repeat learning exercises multiple times before they learn better coping mechanisms. Over time, however, repeatedly engaging the rational, problem-solving areas of the brain helps kids understand and manage their impulses. With enough patience and practice, even the most high-strung children can find healthy, peaceful ways to solve social problems and express their needs.
