When bullying happens at school, most parents immediately recognize it as a problem. Bullying that occurs at home between siblings, on the other hand, is often normalized. Many parents aren’t sure where to draw the line between typical, minor sibling conflicts and genuine abuse, while others are unaware of the long-term damage sibling bullying can cause. Due to this lack of recognition, sibling bullying remains one of the most prevalent forms of family violence: Studies show that it affects up to 40% of children and occurs four to five times more often than parent-child abuse.
Like peer bullying, sibling abuse is associated with a range of mental health issues, including reduced self-esteem, impaired academic performance, anxiety, depression, anger issues, and greater susceptibility to other forms of bullying.([1],[2]) In fact, some researchers believe that sibling bullying is more harmful than peer bullying because it deprives children of the ability to feel safe in their own homes. For parents of multiple children, learning how to prevent, identify, and stop sibling bullying is therefore crucial to raising healthy, happy kids.
5 Ways for Parents to Address Sibling Bullying
1. Know how to separate normal conflict from bullying.
Any form of conflict has the potential to become problematic, but bullying is usually more chronic and severe than routine sibling spats. Normal sibling conflicts arise spontaneously over access to shared resources, rivalry, or perceived injustice (e.g., when one child believes he’s being punished more harshly than his sibling). During these conflicts, both children become visibly upset. However, they’re often mutually willing to reconcile when their concerns have been addressed.
Bullying, by contrast, is driven by malicious intent and the aggressor often shows a lack of empathy for the victim or remorse for his actions. (Note that the absence of regret doesn’t necessarily indicate a lack of love for the victim; instead, it shows that the bully views his or her actions as being acceptable.) Unlike arguments, bullying is very difficult to resolve. Over time, it creates significant emotional distance between siblings.
If you notice that one of your children frequently picks on the other without provocation, you should suspect bullying. Watch for behaviours that look deliberately threatening, that cause physical or emotional harm, or that result in damage to the victim’s property. Any of these red flags potentially indicate abuse and require immediate intervention.
2. Never turn a blind eye to bullying.
Acknowledging sibling bullying can be difficult for parents because they have an attachment to both the perpetrator and the victim. This emotional bias can make it easy to write sibling bullying off as “teasing” or “a phase,” especially when the bullying is largely verbal in nature. Likewise, parents who were picked on by their own siblings during childhood often view this dynamic as a normal part of growing up.
Unfortunately, looking the other way when abuse occurs only serves to worsen the psychological toll of bullying. Victims whose concerns are dismissed learn to minimize – and therefore internalize – their pain, which increases their risk of developing depression, anxiety, and self-harming behaviours. By teaching your child to downplay the impact of abuse, you also put him (or her) in danger of accepting peer bullying and abusive relationships later in life.
Whenever one of your children is hurt by a sibling, encourage him to discuss his feelings and let him know that it’s okay to be upset. Avoid labeling or shaming the bully, as this can look like favouritism and fuel further bullying, but do hold him accountable for his actions. Establish clear, consistent consequences for abusive behaviour and enforce them as needed.
3. Treat both of your children equally.
Favouring one child over another has been shown to increase the risk of sibling bullying.[3]While this effect is most pronounced when high levels of favouritism are present, even subtle forms of preferential treatment can create resentment and hostility between siblings.
To prevent rivalry issues, avoid talking to (or about) one of your children more than the other, and don’t tease one child more frequently than his or her sibling. Take the same level of interest in each child’s hobbies and academic pursuits, particularly when one child has been identified as gifted or talented and the other has not. Similarly, don’t overemphasize the value of specific physical traits (e.g., gender, age, or athletic ability) or personality traits. A child who believes he’s inferior due to factors beyond his control may attempt to alleviate his feelings of helplessness by behaving aggressively. Finally, be sure to give each child in your household daily “one on one” time with you in order to limit competition for your attention.
Sometimes, parents find themselves in situations where one child is genuinely easier to guide and discipline than his (or her) sibling. This dynamic is particularly difficult to manage: While it’s normal for some kids to need more correction than others, children with increased behavioural needs often feel inferior to their better-behaved siblings. They may misinterpret necessary discipline as negative attention and wonder why they receive more of this negative attention than other children in the household.
To keep the dynamic between siblings balanced, parents should regularly remind the child who needs more correction that they love him for who he is. They should also remind him that they discipline him because they love him and want him to reach his full potential, not because they see him as bad or flawed. If these strategies don’t work, family therapy can help parents gain a better understanding of their child’s challenging behaviour and resolve it in a calm, objective setting.
4. Model healthy relationship dynamics.
Your actions (and the actions of your partner or co-parent) define what your children consider acceptable behaviour. Sibling bullying is therefore much more likely to occur in households where one parent frequently belittles or overrides the other, or where either parent uses aggressive behaviour (e.g., yelling or throwing things) to deal with difficult emotions. Parenting styles can also influence sibling relationships: Parents who are explosive or overly authoritarian with their children can inadvertently send the message that bullying is the best way to resolve problems.
When you interact with others (especially your partner and children), model respectful communication techniques; don’t belittle others, interrupt them, yell, or act out in anger. Use clear, fair, and assertive language instead, and emphasize the value of negotiation and compromise in resolving conflicts. Similarly, you should never accept abuse from others or minimize the impact of hurtful behaviour that’s directed at you. Show your children how to set boundaries calmly but firmly, and discuss why bullying is both wrong and harmful.
The disciplinary strategies you use with your children should reinforce these values: Correction should focus on maintaining healthy boundaries, changing problem behaviours, and ensuring that everyone in your household is valued and respected. Harsh, punitive, or humiliating punishments should be avoided at all costs.
5. Encourage your children to take accountability for their actions.
In addition to establishing clear consequences for bullying, it’s crucial to teach children how to recognize when (and why) they’re acting inappropriately. Kids bully their siblings for a wide variety of reasons: Though feelings of jealousy and inadequacy are the most common cause, bullying can also be driven by stress arising from a sudden life change, such as switching schools, divorce, or losing a relative. Help your child identify what’s bothering him, then give him alternative ways to cope with his feelings. Reward him with praise when he uses the problem-solving strategies you’ve provided.
Some children also respond favourably to consequences that help them regain a sense of control over themselves and the situation. (In many cases, bullying is a reaction to perceived loss of control.) Asking your child to complete chores whenever he hurts his sibling, for example, can build his confidence by having him contribute to the household. You might also ask your child to help his sibling with specific tasks, like homework, to foster a spirit of collaboration between them. (Make sure you closely supervise these activities until you’re certain the risk of bullying has passed.)
Most cases of sibling bullying can be resolved at home with patience, education, and the use of behaviour modification strategies. Rarely, however, sibling abuse occurs due to factors which are largely outside of parents’ control, such as trauma or the presence of a developmental or personality disorder. Children who exhibit aggressive behaviour as a result of these issues will require treatment to overcome their disruptive tendencies; as such, children who don’t respond to parental intervention should always be assessed by a mental health professional. An evaluation by a child psychologist is the most effective way to identify the root causes of bullying before it can create significant disharmony in the home.
[1] Association of Sibling Aggression With Child and Adolescent Mental Health, Tucker et al, 2015
[2] The Independent and Cumulative Effects of Sibling and Peer Bullying in Childhood on Depression, Anxiety, Suicidal Ideation, and Self-Harm in Adulthood, Dantchev et al, 2019
[3] Young adult sibling relations: the effects of perceived parental favoritism and narcissism, Ricky Finzi-Dottan, Orna Cohen, 2011
