Handling sadness, whether it’s normal situational sadness or chronic depression, is especially challenging for teens. Adolescents are mature enough to experience profound and complex emotions, but they struggle to put their experiences into perspective. The areas of the brain associated with reasoning are still actively developing throughout the teen years, so young adults are prone to handling sadness in reactive, impulsive ways. They also have a hard time envisioning a way out of difficult situations. For all of these reasons, teens often require adult guidance when they’re down (even if they don’t always seem receptive to care and advice). If you’re trying to reach your teen and lift her out of sadness, the six strategies below may prove helpful:
1. Don’t inadvertently dismiss your teen’s feelings.
Teens are particularly sensitive to feeling misunderstood, especially by their parents. You should therefore choose your words carefully when you reassure your teen, making sure not to minimize what she’s feeling by accident. For example, it’s important avoid saying things like, “it’s not that bad,” or “you’ll feel better tomorrow.” Instead, put the focus on empathizing with what your teen is going through, letting her know that it’s okay to feel low (and to take some time out for herself if she needs to). Remind your teen that you’re always there to listen, but don’t push the matter if she’s not ready to open up. Providing a calm, comforting presence while your teen works through her emotions can be very helpful, as this approach won’t make her feel pressured to snap out of her sadness.
2. Encourage your teen to stay socially active.
Though it’s normal for teens and adults alike to need a bit of “alone time” when they’re feeling blue, too much isolation can do more harm than good. Remaining withdrawn from friends and loved ones for an extended period of time has been shown to increase a person’s risk of depression. Staying connected and active, on the other hand, has powerful mood-boosting effects.
To help your teen stay socially engaged, try to provide opportunities for her to socialize without getting overwhelmed. If she’s not up to attending parties or extracurricular activities, for instance, consider allowing her to have one or two close friends stay overnight. If she’s quiet during family dinners, encourage her to accompany you while you run errands. Spending time alone with you will give her a chance to open up in a comfortable, confidential setting.
3. Provide your teen with manageable activities.
Sadness and depression tend to rob us of the energy and enthusiasm we need to stay motivated and active. As a result, the idea of doing nothing becomes very tempting; it’s not uncommon for depressed teens to want to stay in bed all day, watch TV for hours, or otherwise relax until their mood passes. Spending a day or two “vegging out” won’t hurt your teen (particularly if she’s just been through a busy, stressful time, like studying for exams), but prolonged inactivity should be avoided if possible. If your teen spends too much time doing nothing, her sadness will be amplified by a sense of purposelessness.
Encouraging your teen to engage in light but meaningful activities will remind her of her value. Getting up and moving around will also keep her brain and body healthy. To facilitate activity without overburdening your teen, set up a weekly schedule of chores that you know she can handle. You can also try inviting her to help you complete tasks when she seems listless (e.g., ask her to help you make dinner or walk the dog). Make sure she still attends school regularly and make her aware of the mood-boosting benefits of exercise, too. If your teen isn’t a big fan of housework, she might find that sports provide a better outlet for her feelings.
4. Don’t lecture your teen; practice active listening instead.
Lecturing your teen is a bad idea, for two reasons: One, she probably won’t listen to you; two, it will rob her of a sense of agency. She’ll ultimately feel more confident and empowered if she plays a role in solving her own problems, rather than just being the recipient of advice.
When your teen is feeling low, start by practicing active listening: Ask her what she’s feeling and why she’s feeling that way. Then, ask her what she thinks could be done to change the situation or lift her spirits. If your teen’s sadness was caused by an unfortunate event, like an argument with a friend, help her work out a plan to resolve the issues at hand. To make sure your teen remembers and uses her good ideas, have her set them down in writing. Just the act of writing down her thoughts will help her feel calmer and more in control of the situation.
5. Let your teen bend the rules, but don’t permit her to completely break them.
Generally, it’s okay to give your teen a bit of extra freedom when she’s feeling down, but disrespectful behaviour should never be tolerated. Don’t permit your teen to treat others badly simply because she’s upset; help her find healthy ways to vent instead.
When you have to enforce a rule or boundary, know that keeping your demeanour calm and compassionate is vital. (Making your teen feel judged or berated will only give her something new to be upset about.) Start by empathizing with your teen when you need to administer discipline, such as by saying, “I’m sorry you’re so upset today, but you know you can’t speak to your brother that way.” Reminding your teen that you understand how she’s feeling and care about her will take the sting out of necessary consequences.
6. Know when to seek professional help.
Periods of sadness are a normal part of growing up, but it’s important to know where developmental hurdles end and serious problems begin. If you think your teen poses a risk to herself or others, of if the sadness is chronic and she’s been consistently sad for longer than a few weeks, seek help from a professional—don’t wait for the situation to get worse. Early intervention is often key to successfully managing mental health issues in adulthood.
With time, patience, and the right guidance, your teen will gradually learn how to cope with sadness. Developing these skills in adolescence will ensure that your teen is properly prepared to deal with the stress of adult life.
