Young women have always struggled with societal pressures where body image is concerned. For girls coming of age in the era of social media, however, this pressure has become substantially more intense and pervasive. Not only are girls today expected to grow up to be powerful, confident career women, they feel they have to compete with the heavily edited physiques of social media celebrities. The expectations placed on young women are, in short, completely unrealistic—but few girls realize this is the case.
Even if your daughter does not appear to be at risk of developing an eating disorder, the aforementioned pressure can take a heavy toll on her self-esteem. Moreover, it tends to create a hyper-competitive climate wherein women cannot properly bond with one another. Instead of sharing their talents, ideas, and aptitudes with their peers, they’re constantly comparing their physical attributes. Eventually, some girls begin to see themselves as a set of body parts, rather than seeing themselves as whole, unique individuals.
As a parent, it can be troubling and frustrating to have a daughter who holds herself to standards that are clearly unrealistic (e.g., being extremely thin and well-endowed at the same time). No matter how much you try to reason with her or encourage her to focus on other aspects of who she is, she persists in her impossible quest for bodily perfection.
While this frustration is understandable, dealing with the situation productively is extremely important. Rather than giving up when faced with an unreceptive child, we suggest trying a more nuanced, multifaceted approach, as outlined below:
1. Empathize with your daughter.
If your child feels like she is being lectured, she almost certainly won’t listen. Why? She will assume that mom and dad just don’t “get it.” Ergo, instead of espousing parental wisdom and advice, it’s important to just listen to what your daughter has to say. Let her share her insecurities without being judged, and tell her about your own. When your daughter sees that your perceived physical imperfections haven’t held you back in life, she’ll be more likely to limit the importance of her own.
2. Model a healthy body image.
While sharing your bodily concerns in the right context can be helpful (as described above), modeling chronic “body anxiety” is not. If you’re constantly pointing out that you need to lose weight, that you hate certain body parts, etc., your daughter is likely to emulate your attitude and become more self-critical. Instead, try to show that you’re comfortable with your body and accept it the way it is, even if you have moments of insecurity. (Do not feel like you must fake flawless confidence all of the time; acceptance is enough. Not only is perfect confidence unbelievable, it may make your daughter feel even more alienated and isolated in her struggles.) If you have a partner, make sure that he also sends positive messages about your appearance rather than being unduly critical. Daughters benefit from having a strong male role model when it comes to defining their image, too.
Finally, avoid pointing out how “fattening” various foods are. Approach food—especially family meals—from the standpoint of nutritional value. Teach your daughter to focus on fueling her body so that it can be more active and functional.
3. Teach your daughter to be critical of sexualization in the media.
There is, of course, nothing wrong with young adults embracing their sexuality; in fact, doing so can be empowering. At the same time, however, issues stemming from media-driven sexualization can negatively impact girls who are still developing. When girls are exposed to a lot of media content wherein women are only being valued based on their sexuality, they can begin to reduce their value in like kind. They may become obsessed with obtaining “sexy” attributes through any means necessary, including getting plastic surgery at a young age.
You cannot, of course, shield your adolescent daughter from the rampant sexualization of women in the media—but you can teach her to think critically about it. Watch the shows your daughter watches, listen to the music she listens to, and point out sexualization where you see it. Once again, don’t lecture or insist your daughter change her media preferences. Instead, make objective statements about what you see and then ask your daughter how those sexualized messages make her feel. Once your daughter becomes aware of how the media she consumes can affect her, she will probably choose more carefully (or at least view said media with a degree of healthy emotional distance).
Teaching your daughter to make wise clothing choices is also important. While it’s appropriate for an older adolescent to select her own clothing (and dress “sexy” if she wishes), girls and preteens often don’t understand sexuality well enough to make informed decisions in this area. Girls may, for example, choose very revealing clothing because they think it’s “cool,” then be surprised when they’re sexualized as a result. A girl being sexualized before she’s ready to embrace sexuality is, of course, more harmful than empowering. As such, you should gently guide your young adolescent to make more modest, appropriate clothing choices whenever necessary.
4. Help your daughter find solutions to perceived problems.
You cannot realistically expect your daughter to love every single thing about her body, no matter how confident she becomes. What you can do is help her see that her perceived imperfections are not insurmountable hurdles. When your daughter mentions something she doesn’t like about her body, after reassuring her, encourage her to find ways to work around the perceived imperfection. Most girls respond better to the idea that they can minimize a flaw (i.e., with clothing or makeup) than the idea that they should simply ignore it.
5. Encourage a healthy activity level.
Research has shown that women who perceive their bodies as being useful (rather than merely decorative) have a healthier body image. Girls therefore often benefit profoundly from getting active, such as by participating in sports teams or taking up an athletic hobby like hiking or indoor rock climbing. Even if your daughter isn’t naturally athletic, there’s probably something physically engaging that she can do: If she loves animals, for instance, she can earn some extra money walking dogs. If she’s passionate about the environment, she can plant trees or pick up litter on the weekend. Anything that gets her to use her body in a functional context will enhance her self-perception.
Above all else, instilling a healthy body image starts with valuing your daughter for who she is and maintaining a strong connection with her. By understanding and empathizing with her concerns about her body, you can arm her with the tools she needs to thrive.
