Raising Confident Girls: When ‘Sorry’ is a Bad Word

Anna Kaminsky | February 21, 2020

“Sorry” isn’t a word we typically think about critically. After all, it’s used as either a harmless courtesy or a heartfelt gesture of penitence by most of us. For young girls, however, the habit of apologizing too often can become harmful. Think, for example, of the young woman who prefaces her opinions with the words “Sorry, but...”  Or the girl who seldom expresses her views without saying, “I could be wrong...” beforehand. In my experience, this form of apologetic behaviour usually indicates a lack of confidence.

 So, how can parents correct this bad habit without discouraging their daughters from being polite or showing compassion for others? It’s a difficult balance to achieve, but it’s possible. For further insights, consult the list of strategies below:

1. Avoid giving your daughter conflicting messages.

 The definition of “good” behaviour becomes more complex for all children as they get older. Girls are, however, often asked to pull off impossible compromises. While boys are usually rewarded in a straightforward manner for achieving goals and expressing their individuality, girls are asked to walk a tightrope of conflicting objectives: On one hand, they are told to embody stereotypically masculine qualities, such as assertiveness and expressiveness. On the other hand, they are asked to balance their aspirations with an ongoing concern for others. They are told to be confident, but never egotistical; to be smart and ambitious, yet humble. They are asked to show a strong will, but to avoid upsetting those around them at all times. All of this makes it harder for them to develop a sense of identity during adolescence.

 These mixed messages occur because, like all of us, parents have been conditioned to expect girls to be acutely empathetic. While empathy is an important quality in both genders, expecting too much of it—while conversely telling girls to be independent achievers—breeds guilt and self-doubt. If a boy wins a race, for example, he can simply enjoy his victory; he may even be allowed to gloat about it a little bit. Conversely, if a girl wins a race, her social training will often lead her to minimize her victory so that her peers aren’t hurt by it. A part of her will, in essence, actually feel bad for winning. Naturally, this mindset tends to limit a young woman’s motivation and capacity for success.

 As a parent, you’ll need to be aware of your preconceived notions of femininity and strive to send your daughter clear messages. Don’t reprimand her if she revels in her achievements, so long as she is not being intentionally malicious toward anyone else. Allow her to be a bit of a “know it all” if she excels academically. As long as you also permit her to make her own mistakes—and deal with the consequences of those mistakes—she is unlikely to become conceited. Instead, she will develop a well-defined sense of self, with full knowledge of her skills and weaknesses.

2. Prepare your daughter for the possibility of being called bossy.

 Raising a confident girl at home is just one part of the equation. Unfortunately, assertive women are often labeled as being “bossy” by both their male and female peers. As such, your daughter needs to be prepared to deal with this kind of harsh social feedback.

 Teach your daughter that sharing her views or disagreeing with others is not being bossy—it’s being an individual. Bossiness is the act of imposing one’s will directly on another (that is, making someone else do something they don’t wish to do). As long as your daughter is not doing this, she’s not being bossy; she’s just being herself, and that’s laudable. Remind your child of this if you notice her apologizing when she has no good reason to do so, hesitating to participate in discussions or ask questions, or devaluing her skills and knowledge.

 Furthermore, you should make an effort to model healthily assertive behaviour yourself, especially if you’re a mother. The more you apologize needlessly and hold back in conversations, the more likely it becomes that your daughter will do the same. Remember, all children learn primarily by observing their parents.

3. Reward your daughter for being direct.

 Being direct doesn’t necessarily mean being rude. Instead, it just means using clear language and saving one’s good manners for those times when they serve a real purpose. It is, for example, entirely appropriate to say “excuse me” if you’re interrupting someone, to say “sorry” if you bump into someone, etc. However, using indirect language like “Excuse me, I could be wrong, but...” or “Sorry, I’m not very good at this, but maybe I can help you...” in established conversations is invariably harmful. It dilutes a woman’s point and causes others take her less seriously.

 If you notice your daughter using indirect language, take her aside and ask her to practice using a more direct alternative. Rather than saying, “Excuse me, I could be wrong, but...” she should say, “I think I know the answer.” Instead of saying, “Sorry, I’m not very good at this, but maybe I can help you...” she should say, “May I help you?” As you can see, these direct alternatives aren’t rude in any way; they simply get to the point without degrading preamble.

 Finally, remind your daughter that it’s okay if her directness sometimes leads to her having disagreements with others. Conflict is not something girls should be afraid of. Like boys, they should be taught to accept it and use healthy conflict resolution skills.

4. Teach your daughter that apologies should be genuine.

 The word “sorry” is ultimately much more meaningful if we don’t use it casually. Rather than using “sorry” as part of everyday conversation, your daughter should be taught to apologize only when it’s truly appropriate.

 Apologizing should be reserved for those times when your child genuinely harms or inconveniences someone else. If, for example, your daughter must interrupt someone else or nudge someone out of the way gently to catch a bus, then she should say, “Excuse me.” If she has hurt someone’s feelings directly (rather than indirectly, such as by achieving something), or if she has injured someone else, then she should say “Sorry.” Otherwise, these words don’t have a great deal of practical purpose.

 Being able to use clear, confident language is essential for success in today’s world. Remember: The average attention span is generally decreasing, so having the ability to communicate in a direct, succinct way is more important than ever before. Teaching your daughter to be unapologetic about who she is will give her the tools she needs to thrive in the workplace and feel comfortable and secure at home.

About Anna Kaminsky

Anna Kaminsky earned her PhD in Developmental Psychology from the University of Toronto and completed a post-doc internship at our centre. She also worked at The Hospital for Sick Children and at The Hincks-Dellcrest Centre. Anna currently works as a medical services manager at the CAMH. "Kaminsky" is Anna's pen name. You can follow her on Twitter at @AnnaKaminsky1.

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