Most conventional parenting literature is oriented towards parenting extroverted children; it typically highlights the value of spending a great deal of time interacting with one's children and encouraging them to go out into the world, make friends, and explore. But, what if your child doesn't seem particularly interested in these outgoing pursuits? What if she is perfectly content to spend most of her time in her room, reading? What if one or two friends appear to be more than enough for her?
Because introversion can appear similar to the symptoms of childhood depression, it's easy to worry about an introverted child's well-being. However, if your child was born with a tendency to prefer her own company and the need for a lot of "down time," it's likely that she's content the way she is (whereas sudden, uncharacteristic social withdrawal is more typical of depression and anxiety). The secret to helping your introverted child flourish is not trying to change her; instead, it lies in embracing her for who she is and helping her make slow, gradual adjustments to the extrovert-oriented world around her.
The five tips below will help you to effectively and happily parent your introverted child:
1. Destigmatize introversion
While introverts are often portrayed as a minority within the media (the “shy loner” or “odd one out” stereotype), in reality, they are estimated to make up about 30-50% of the population. Likewise, contrary to popular belief, introverts often make effective leaders, entertainers, and business people. Because introverts are generally calmer and have better listening skills than extroverts, they can become excellent communicators and negotiators if their confidence is properly nurtured during childhood. Introversion, in short, will not hold your child back in life.
If you're an introvert and have had bad experiences (such as childhood bullying) that led you to deem introversion a problem, it's a good idea to talk to a therapist about your feelings. Resolving lingering issues with your own introversion will help you to assess your child's situation objectively and lay your fears to rest.
Finally, it's important to realize that introversion does not arise from improper parenting. In all likelihood, you haven't done anything to “make” your child the way she is. Most children's temperaments are innate and parents can only nurture what nature has provided.
2. Don't label your child
All too often, introverted children are given unflattering labels like “shy” or “timid.” These labels can negatively affect how your child sees herself, making her feel as though she is “different” or flawed in some way. It's important to understand that your introverted child may not be shy or timid at all (shyness is often a product of social anxiety, not introversion in itself); her brain just works differently. She doesn't need a lot of quiet time because she inherently fears other people; instead, because she relies heavily on the use of the parasympathetic side of her nervous system (rather than the sympathetic side), her brain needs to rest frequently to digest new information, resulting in an appearance of quietness. Extroverts, on the other hand, are prompted by their brains to react immediately to stimuli around them owing to the “fight, flight, or freeze” reflex of the sympathetic nervous system.
Your introverted child may also have a more highly-developed prefrontal cortex, according to recently published research studies. This gives her a heightened capacity for abstract reasoning and intelligent decision-making, but at the same time, it causes her to think things through thoroughly - giving her the appearance of being cautious or hesitant.
3. Let your child do things at her own pace
Because introverted children need more time to process stimuli and make decisions, they often become overwhelmed if bombarded with too many new people or new environments in succession. Don't push your child to leap into novel situations with both feet; let her get used to people and activities and get comfortable before joining in. Ideally, you should introduce your child to new environments early (such as taking her on a tour of her new school before school starts so she can adjust to it while things are quiet) and allow her to observe social situations for a while before joining in. Don't hesitate to keep your child company while she's adapting to something new; your presence will help her feel safe and likely expedite the adjustment process. (If you can't gradually introduce your child to a new situation, take some time to vividly describe what it will be like; your introverted child's versatile imagination will help to create a kind of “virtual tour.”)
Furthermore, you should teach your child that it's okay to take breaks. If she's feeling overwhelmed in a social situation, tell her that there's no harm in excusing herself and taking a few minutes to recharge somewhere peaceful. (If your child is too young to be aware of her stress level building, be sure to watch her for signs of fatigue and take her aside as need be.)
4. Encourage your child to cultivate her passions
For an introverted child, interests and hobbies are much more than just a way to pass the time. They are, more often than not, uniquely enthralling pursuits that stimulate the mind, build confidence, and give the introverted child a platform on which to connect with others.
Provide your child with opportunities to explore her interests and make sure that you never minimize them as being frivolous or unimportant. Additionally, if your child is comfortable with the idea, help her to find and attend groups, camps, etc. that revolve around her interests and hobbies; this can be a great way for her to find like-minded peers.
5. Learn how to speak your introverted child's "language"
Introverts typically communicate differently than extroverts do; they can, for example, struggle to make themselves heard. Introverts often express their feelings in ways so quiet and subtle that the emotional depth they are feeling remains unnoticed, so it's important to pay close attention to your introverted child's body language. Likewise, you should make the effort to gently draw her out of her shell; ask open-ended questions to encourage her to talk and practice compassionate curiosity regularly. Your introverted child might not always ask for help when she is struggling with something, so it's important to remind her that you're there for her now and then (just make sure not to push her when you do; when introverts feel pressured, they immediately clam up). Finally, remember not to take it personally if your child doesn't open up right away, or if she seems to need to spend a lot of time alone to recharge in general—her brain is just easily overwhelmed by stimuli.
If your child is particularly retiring, you may also wish to teach her how to use assertive language and help her practice it at home. Some introverted children have a difficult time standing up for themselves and setting boundaries, so teaching them how to say "no" to others firmly (and speak up and seek adult aid when need be) early on can be incredibly valuable.
Remember that above all else, you should cherish your child's temperament. While introversion is not exactly glamourized by the media, it too carries many unique gifts, such as inherent thoughtfulness and a penchant for creativity. By helping your child to accept and love herself, you'll give her the confidence and self-esteem she needs to develop a healthy and balanced psyche, enabling her to leverage her innate introversion to its best advantage.
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