With the best of intentions, many parents get into the habit of repressing what they are feeling - bottling up their annoyance and frustration in an attempt to indulge their children's needs, energy, and enthusiasm, or to handle their bad behaviour with grace. While this practice seems noble at first (we all want to set a good example, after all), it inevitably leads to the parent one day exploding and blurting out things he or she does not really mean.
This is not only hurtful to the child or children, it's also often entirely ineffective, and may actually undermine the parent's image of authority (to convey a sense of being in control of a situation, one must first be in control of one's self, after all).
The key to avoiding these destructive moments lies in surrendering the desire to be a superhuman, and learning how to express yourself - your own needs and emotions - in a way that is not harmful either to your children or to your role as an authority figure. While learning to do so is a dynamic and evolving skill, one that relies on knowing both yourself and your children, you can begin by correcting the following common destructive phrases:
"Leave me alone!"
It is normal, and healthy, to crave some “alone” time, but many parents feel guilty for this desire and humour their children's constant intrusions - no matter how busy the parent may be at the time - until they hit a breaking point and demand to be left in peace. This, of course, further associates the desire to be left alone with guilt and remorse, creating a negative cycle wherein the frustrated parent may snap more easily, ironically demanding to be left alone more often. This message adds up, and children become hesitant to “bother” their parents, and thus, avoid confiding in them as they get older.
It's better to nurture your need for time for yourself as a regular habit starting when your children are small. Set up a routine where you share childcare duties with your partner, enlist the aid of your own parents to help you take nights off, or come to some other arrangement where you get an appropriate amount of rest. Children will become used to you having some time for yourself, without feeling dismissed by you, and you will have more patience with them.
It's also useful to have a protocol to follow when you're busy in the home or getting stressed out; find a quiet activity the children enjoy doing, and if you feel yourself getting worn, ask them to go do it briefly - you can add the incentive of spending some time with you once you have calmed down or completed the task at hand.
"You're so..." and “You're such a...”
Children are extremely literal beings, so it's important to avoid labelling them; what seems harmless to us (lightheartedly exclaiming “You're such a klutz!” or “You're so shy!”, for example) is an absolute statement of fact to them, one they internalize and turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even positive labels, such as calling a child “so smart”, often result in needless pressure if applied too often, as they imply high expectations.
Rather than reacting with a label, if you see a child struggling with something like clumsiness or shyness, take the time to either offer advice (for example, if a child falls off his or her bike, suggest riding it a little slower) or enquire into the nature of the child's problem (such as by asking, “Why are you so hesitant to approach other children at school?”)
Instead of limiting the child by putting him (or her) into a “box”, this approach encourages the child to think about his actions and consider the alternatives, actually expanding what he feels capable of.
"Don't cry,” “Don't be a baby,” “There's nothing to be afraid of,” etc.
Children, especially young children, have a hard time putting words to their feelings, and as such, crying is often their only way of expressing how upset they are. They also do get frightened fairly easily, and one cannot realistically expect them not to - they are small, highly inexperienced people in a big, daunting world.
However, even if your intention is to reassure the child, by saying these things you invalidate his or her emotions - without actually making the youngster feel any better. Children who are frequently shut down in this way grow up to believe it is not okay to be sad or scared and repress these emotions (something which is never healthy).
It's far better to just reassure your child that you are there to provide emotional support and protection; this is what the child is truly looking for, after all, and it invariably proves soothing. Also talk to the child about how he or she is feeling, using words like “sad”, “scared”, or “angry” to describe what the child is going through; this will help the child learn to put words to those feelings, rather than simply crying.
"Why cant you be more like..."
If asking a child to do something proves unsuccessful, it's natural to try to “show” the child an example of the right behaviour via holding up another child as a shining example. Children tend to be somewhat competitive with one another (especially siblings), so this approach seems logical enough.
Comparisons are, however, innately harmful; each child grows and develops at his or her own pace, so they are seldom truly fair, and they also get the child into the habit of comparing his or her own unique self negatively to others.
Not only does this tactic usually harm a child's self-esteem, it often backfires; children grow resentful and defiant, and feeling that they cannot do what is asked of them and receive positive attention, resolve to get negative attention instead through stubbornly refusing to behave like the “good” child they are being compared to. It is far better - for both parent and child - if the child is instead praised for whatever he or she can do; this will encourage improvement, without incurring damage.
"You know better than that!"
Children learn through trial and error at the best of times, and it's important to remember that their senses are not as well developed as an adult's (leading them to try to lift things that are too heavy, touch things are still too hot, etc.) What seems easy or like rudimentary knowledge to you may be difficult or novel to a child. Chances are good that the child didn't enjoy the repercussions of his or her mistake (and may already feel embarrassed about it), so there's no need to rub it in and make the child feel stupid or blamed on top of it all.
"Hurry up!"
Try to remember that children are busy discovering the world around them - often with a sense of wonder about the little things we take for granted, such as putting on our own clothes - and don't share our adult sense of urgency.
Consistently nagging a small child to hurry up is not only ineffective, it makes the child feel guilty for, in essence, being a child: Oblivious to adult cares and pressures, and invested in savouring their favourite experiences as they learn.
It's better to become organized and develop a routine that works for you while also leaving a comfortable margin of extra time for children to dawdle in (making lunches, laying out clothes, etc. the night before is often an excellent strategy).
Avoiding Empty Threats and Vague Praise
In addition to the above “problem phrases”, when you're communicating with your child, it's extremely important to avoid making empty threats. Threats are almost never effective; if you make one in anger that you do not really intend to carry out, you undermine your authority. If you do carry out the severe punishment (i.e. spanking) you often scare the child more than you actually change his or her behaviour. If you use another parent's authority as a warning (e.g. “Wait until your father comes home!”), you make yourself look ineffective and incapable, which doesn't encourage the child to respect you. Likewise, you can easily make your partner feel like he or she must always be the “bad guy” in the household.
Focus the consequences for negative behaviours on things that defuse situations, rather than escalate them; examples include “time outs”, explaining to the child a more constructive way to handle his or her emotions, or removing the child from triggering situations.
One should also be sure to avoid vague praise, such as “Good boy!” or “Good job!” Praise is an excellent tool, but only if it retains some aspect of actual meaning; if you say “Good boy!” every time a child does anything from colour a picture to tidy up his dishes, he will start to tune it out, and ultimately realize you're not really paying attention. Instead, take the time to be specific about praise; “I love the colours you chose for the flowers in your picture,” and “When you take your own dishes up from the table, I get much more time to relax after dinner - I really appreciate you doing that.” Children then know why what they did is good, and thus think properly on why good behaviour is relevant and important, and what makes their creative endeavours and hobbies special and meaningful.
