The prospect of becoming a step-parent is an exciting part of starting a new relationship; however, it’s crucial to manage your expectations and understand the challenges that potentially lay ahead. Step-families are inherently more complicated than traditional families because they involve more people and, in some cases, there’s a history of conflict between the child’s biological parents. Some difficulties commonly encountered by step-parents include:
- Having to share parenting duties and decisions with someone other than your partner. In many step-families, the other biological parent still plays an active role in child-rearing. This setup can affect your choice of household rules and complicate weekends, holidays, and family traditions. You will also have to compromise with someone you may not know very well and who may have values very different from yours.
- Having limited authority. Your partner’s children may still feel very attached to their other parent and prefer to receive advice, guidance, and discipline from them. Likewise, if there’s a history of conflict within the biological family, the children may have felt pressured to “take sides” in the past. Often, this pressure increases the alliance a child feels with a particular parent. Alternatively, your partner may prefer to handle most parenting duties on his (or her) own. Depending on the unique nature of your situation, you may sometimes feel “shut out” of big decisions or even day-to-day parenting duties.
- Feeling like an outsider. Even if you become close to your step-children, it can be troubling to know that you’ve missed out on years of shared memories, developmental milestones, and other significant life experiences with them. You may also feel alienated by established family rituals and traditions. Know that it often takes years to integrate into a family; it’s crucial to have patience and let the relationship develop at its own pace.
Of course, not every step-parent will encounter these challenges. If your partner’s children are still very young, for example, they will probably adapt quickly to having a step-parent, and you won’t have to worry about missing out on their early development. Kids who have a strained relationship with their other biological parent may also naturally develop a strong bond with their step-parent and prefer them as an authority figure. And, kids whose parents divorced amicably may be more relaxed and open to accepting a third parental figure.
Every family is different, and so is every step-parent’s experience. Still, it’s helpful to know what potential difficulties exist in these types of arrangements. By putting a plan in place ahead of time to manage problems calmly and productively, you’ll prepare yourself to become the kind of step-parent you aspire to be.
Below, we’ll share five tips for creating a happy, harmonious step-family:
1. Manage expectations early on.
Many step-parents set themselves up for disappointment by holding onto fantasies of what the relationship could be. Maintaining unrealistic expectations places unnecessary pressure on everyone involved and may divert attention away from the positive aspects of your family dynamic.
Step-parents should also be prepared to manage the expectations of their partner and step-children, as it’s normal for every family member to have their own (sometimes conflicting) fantasies about the future. Some typical illusions held by members of step-families are as follows:
- The step-parent believes they will have an “instant family” where everyone connects, bonds, and gets along well. They want to assume the role of parent immediately.
- The biological parent believes that their children will love and appreciate their new step-parent and be happy to accept them as part of the family. They also assume that their partner will love their children as deeply and unconditionally as they do.
- The children believe that their biological parents will get back together eventually and that having a step-parent is only temporary.
Setting aside your unrealistic expectations will allow you to communicate more effectively with your partner and remain open and accepting of what “is.” It will also make it easier to empathize with your step-children (who may be feeling lost, confused, and uncomfortable in their new situation), which will help them realize you have good intentions. You’ll also make space for a dynamic to develop based on mutual understanding, respect, and kindness – one that will probably exceed your original expectations.
2. Be ready to accept rough patches and challenging emotions.
All families experience periods of conflict, and stepfamilies are no different. When you go through a difficult period with your step-children, remember that not all conflict is negative, and it doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a step-parent. When handled productively, conflict can solve problems, create opportunities for greater understanding, and ultimately bring you closer together as a family.
Many step-families initially go through rough patches because they’re in a period of transition: The previous family dynamic is being dismantled and changing shape to make way for a new member (a process that is seldom simple or easy). During this time, you may struggle with feelings of loneliness, rejection, jealousy, and disappointment, so it’s crucial to ensure you’re well-prepared and fully supported by your partner, family, and friends.
In many cases, attending family therapy can prevent unhealthy conflict by improving communication between family members, helping step-children let go of their previous family structure, and dismantling unrealistic expectations. If you aren’t sure how to resolve ongoing issues within your family or create a deeper bond with your step-children, don’t hesitate to reach out for help.
3. Understand and empathize with your step-child’s feelings of conflicted loyalty.
Some children worry that growing to like, accept, or love a step-parent will make their biological parents feel hurt or betrayed. As such, your step-child may reject or avoid you not out of dislike, but out of loyalty to their biological parents. If this happens, don’t take your step-child’s behaviour personally or go out of your way to earn their favour. Instead, remind your step-child that you aren’t trying to take the place of their biological parents. Then, let them know you understand why they feel the way they do and give them space to process their emotions.
When the child is ready, use simple, age-appropriate language to explain that it’s normal – and okay – to care about multiple people at once, and that liking (or loving) a step parent doesn’t take away from the love a child feels for their biological parents. If applicable, you can use examples from your child’s peer relationships to reinforce your point. For instance, if your child has a long-time best friend, you might discuss how they still feel a special connection to that friend regardless of how many new friends they make. You could then review the reasons why your child enjoys each of their friendships and discuss how each relationship is unique. Finally, talk about how your relationship with your step-child differs from their relationship with their biological parents. If your child can understand and accept that making new connections doesn’t negate established bonds, they will have an easier time resolving their feelings of conflicted loyalty.
4. Let the relationship develop naturally – and appreciate small steps forward.
Research shows that, on average, it takes 7-12 years for step-families to fully adjust to their situation and form a functional, healthy family system. As such, you shouldn’t assume something is “wrong” or try to push the relationship forward if you don’t become close to your step-kids within the first year or two of forming a family.
To prevent yourself from becoming discouraged during this lengthy process, recognize and appreciate small signs of progress (and let minor arguments and difficulties slide). Simple actions, like taking a walk with your step-children or helping them work on a school project, are often strong indicators that you’re building a healthy family bond.
5. Be willing to let go, if necessary.
Though most step-families grow together over time, there’s a possibility that you’ll never become close to one or more of your step-children, through no fault of your own. Step-families may remain amicable but distant from one another due to many factors beyond anyone's control, such as: the age of the children (adolescents are less likely to need active step-parenting than young children), personality differences, the family having an unusually busy schedule, etc. Sometimes, it’s better to let go and honour each family member’s individual journey.
Remember that just because the relationship you eventually achieve with your step-children looks different than the one you originally envisioned, it doesn’t mean your role lacks value. For example, a teen might benefit more from seeing you as a nonjudgmental friend than a parent or guardian, especially if they’re experiencing friction with their biological parents. The important thing is to remain emotionally available and committed to your step-children, no matter what form your interaction takes.
The complex background and composition of step-families often sets the stage for challenges, but it also creates the potential to grow together in unique, powerful, and enduring ways. By embracing your new family with an attitude of acceptance, openness, respect, and empathy, you’ll enrich their lives – and yours – no matter what form your dynamic ultimately takes.
